Wonderwoman Linda (me). Original Art by my dear friend, Yuli Neira Charbonneau
Save Myself - The True Art of Aloneness
“I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe. I gave away my money and now we don't even speak. I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me? Oh, honestly? Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon. Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm. They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song. It goes on and on… So, before I save someone else, I've got to save myself. But if don't, Then I'll go back To where I'm rescuing a stranger Just because they needed saving just like that. Oh, I'm here again Between the devil and the danger. But I guess it's just my nature – “Save Myself”, Ed Sheeran
It’s coming up on nine years since my last husband, J asked for a divorce. Since the beginning of the end, for us; and the beginning of the healing journey, for me. I often wonder how different my life would have been had J and I had not divorced. Had I still been married throughout the past several years; almost decade. What would my life look like? If I hadn’t taken this time to be alone, and to heal. What I would look like, had I not taken the time to, as Ed Sheeran calls it, “save myself”. How different life would be; how different I would be. I was pretty damaged before I met J. As was he. There was a lot of damage done throughout our relationship, by both of us; to one another and ourselves, as well. Despite the fact that I didn’t want it to end when it did, I’m happy now, that it did. Because every time I look back and reflect on our relationship, and it’s inevitable end, I do so with gratitude. Gratitude, that we overcame what we did when we were together; that our relationship served the purpose it was meant to serve for both us, and the kids, at the time. And gratitude that he ended it when he did; because I would have stayed with him indefinitely, had he not. And, I would be a completely different person today, had I done so.
I know it’s not good to look back too often, or to stay too long there, when we do. But sometimes, looking back at our history, gives us perspective on where we are now. And, where we are going, in the future. My future is unclear right now. But that’s okay. It’s unclear but it’s definitely better than what it would have been, had we still been together all this time. We would be coming up on nearly twenty years as a couple, had we not divorced. Twenty years together. Twenty years as a couple changes people; for better and for worse. Makes them more a part of a couple; part of another’s story, then two individuals, together. Two people, with their own stories. Only relationships consisting of two whole people can last that long – and longer – without stripping each party of their identity and autonomy. We were not whole, ourselves. Neither one of us were. Because of that, neither one of us was in it for the long haul; had we been, it would have destroyed us both. Ten years is a long time to be two halves of a whole story; without it corrupting the story. Twenty years would have done irreparable damage to both of us.
It’s coming up on nine years since we parted, and (at least I, anyway) started the healing journey. Healing, not only from our journey together, and everything that happened along that journey, but also from all of the damage done to us by other relationships. Damage done because we were both ‘saviour’ types; the kind of people who were looking for a project, not a partner. Both, trying to help others heal but not considering that we needed to first, heal ourselves before trying to help and heal others. Both, the kind of person who felt like we could heal ourselves through healing others, and so were always taking on these ‘projects’. We never took time to ‘save ourselves’ before trying to save someone else. And, that did some damage. Instead of healing one another, all we succeeded in doing was draining both, ourselves and each other. Which is why I’m so glad that we divorced. Neither one of us was in a place, in life or in our hearts to have a healthy relationship. Neither one of us were healthy. Until we parted, anyway.
It’s also coming up on nearly two years since my last, albeit short, ‘relationship’; two years since I even dated anyone. Two years, completely free of another human being’s energy. Two years of reveling in my own energy, and healing myself without distraction or pollution, of sorts. Two years, of ‘saving myself’; metaphorically, and literally. Saving myself; for a healthy and whole partner who I may one day have in my life, yes. But, more importantly, saving myself from what an unhealthy partner does to me and my life; how they shift my focus from myself, to them. Saving myself from myself; working on fixing me, by changing my own unhealthy and destructive thoughts, actions and behaviours. Saving myself from cognitive distortions and irrational thinking that cause me to self-sabotage. Saving myself, by pulling myself out of the darkness that often surrounds me when I do so. Saving myself from drowning in another person’s energy before I, myself, learn to swim in my own. Saving myself, from trying to ‘save someone else’; before I’ve saved myself.
Two years of absolute autonomy and the resulting peace that has brought to my life. A life, that to be fair, does get lonely, at times but is far less complicated and emotionally bloody then the alternative. Two years of giving myself room and the oxygen I need to breathe. Two years of finally taking my own advice, and putting into practice, the true art of aloneness. As Katie Figuerres, counsellor at “The Village”, says, “Anyone who's flown has heard the saying. ‘In the event of a sudden drop in pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from above. Secure your own mask first before assisting others.’ This idea of ensuring our own wellbeing is at the center of self-care”. Just as putting on our mask first, allows us to save ourselves before we can save another, taking time, and caring for ourselves first, allows us heal ourselves, before being with or trying to help others heal. Taking time to heal, replenish, restore what we’ve lost or had damaged over time; over the course of our lives. This is what I’ve been doing these past (almost) two years, myself.
Thinking of me. Taking care of me. Healing me. Saving me. After years and years of giving so much of my time, money, energy, and even oxygen to and for others. After years of barely being able to breathe, let alone grow within those circumstances. After years and years of giving a piece of myself to each person who needed it; who needed me. Until, piece by piece, I lost myself, as a result. Because I forgot myself. I forgot who I was. I forgot which part of me was me, and which part was someone else. Someone else I’d lived with and loved. Someone else I had helped. Someone else who had hurt me. Someone else who had been a huge impact on me; whether positive or negative and had an adverse or beneficial effect on my life. Years of losing myself, while trying to save everyone else. After all of these years, I was finally focused on me.
A dear friend of mine posted a quote by American author and storyteller, Michael Meade this morning. The quote read, “We have to be separated from everyone else in order to learn who we actually are”. Her [my friend’s] take on this was this;
"I will never stop standing by this. In separating from so much of the world around me, I have been able to decipher which things I have been actually carrying from myself, and what I've been carrying from others. The things that define me, that come from me and myself alone. The inward journey is a magical, tragic, mind-blowing, and humbling experience. When we can look inside ourselves for the answers, the reasons why things have been happening, the accountability for good and bad in our lives start coming to light and that's when we are truly awakened to a level in life that is hard to leave. Being alone used to be something difficult for me, but I am so grateful for this journey. I take great solace in being alone now because we never truly are [alone] when we are well rooted within ourselves" - Julie Steeves
This resonated with me deeply. This described my journey over the past eight and a half years; over the past two, especially. Years of finally deciding to be completely and wholly me. Years of discovering who I was, in order to do so. Years of separating my own values, beliefs, desires, and core being, from the influences of others. Living for me, through me and as me; authentically. Years of learning to be myself, and accept myself; to like myself, and to love myself for who I was. Learning the art of truly being alone, and happy and well, alone. Not just paying lip service to the benefits of time spent alone. And realizing that, as Julie put it, “the inward journey is magical, tragic, mind-blowing and humbling experience”. This journey has been just that for me. Magical. Tragic. Mind-blowing and humbling, all at the same time. And, it’s been healing.
It’s coming up on nearly a decade of being alone, for me. A journey that began, after my last divorce, unintentionally at first. One that I didn’t want to take but, was forced to. One that I fought, at first. But one that eventually evolved into something better; something intentional. Something healthy, for once. A way of taking some time to figure out who I was, without other influences in my life. To find out who I was, outside of a relationship; after having been in one or another relationship my entire adult life, without a break in between. A journey that saw me trying on my own oxygen mask for once. And that saw me finally stop always thinking of others, first. A journey, that resulted in my finally working towards saving myself, instead. And, what a journey it’s been.
I’m not saying that I will be alone forever; I don’t know if that’s either realistic, or healthy. We weren’t meant to live our lives alone. As the old cliché states, “No man is an island”. No one can live completely alone, forever. We need each other; to survive and to thrive. We need each other to enrich our lives. We need others, to experience the fullness of life and all that these relationships have to offer; whether family, friends or intimate relationships. But before we can feel the full effect of healthy relationships, we ourselves, need to be healthy, first. Before we can save someone else, we have to save ourselves (as Ed Sheeran puts it).
No, I don’t think I’ll be alone forever. But when I do find and begin a new relationship now, after all of the healing I have done on myself throughout the years, I can guarantee that it will be a healthy one. Healthy, or not at all. I can guarantee that, the next intimate relationship I am a part of, will be one of mutual respect, honesty, openness, freedom and autonomy with and for both parties. A relationship where, each partner has full autonomy; of body, mind and spirit. Where two whole human beings can be together, and still be independent in their own right; independent of thought and otherwise. Where, they are able to be together and be apart, and still be happy and healthy. Where they have time alone, and time together in equal measure. Where they nurture their own needs and desires, as much as they nurture one another’s. Not as a selfish act, but because it is truly necessary for them to put on their own oxygen mask, first. Just as I’ve practiced the art of doing over the past several years, now. If and when I begin a new relationship, I will have a partner, not a project, this time. And, they will be able to save themselves, as will I. Otherwise, I’ll stay where I am, at the present moment; a place I've penned about in previous blogs like the one titled after this blog, itself; "The Art of Aloneness". I'll stay in that place of autonomy, and of peace; happy and healthy, alone. And, I'll continue to love myself, appreciate myself and, in the words Ed Sheeran, "save myself".