You Found Me
Have you ever watched an actor’s performance and had it give you shivers? Ever have their performance elicit emotional responses so intense that you can feel their pain, as well as your own? Ever empathized so much with the character, because not only had you gone through similar things, in life, yourself but you could feel by their performance, that they had been, as well? Where you thought you were empathizing with the character, but were in reality, feeling the deep pain that both you, yourself had been through, that their performance brought to the surface. And, their deep pain, that manifested itself in their performance? I’ve had many experiences like this in my life. Many performances that affected me in this way; songs, on screen and stage performances, alike. But there is one in particular, that I keep returning to. One that I keep re-watching because of the intensity; not only of the performance, but the pain in the actor’s eyes. Because of the believability of his acting in this particular performance.
Season 3, episode six of One Tree Hill; where Jimmy Edwards, played by Colin Fickes, unalive’s himself, after having brought a gun to school and attempting to shoot the people who have been bullying him. You can see some of this pain in the previous episode, when a video time capsule is released by another student, and exposes his and other student’s recordings. In his recording; where he rants about the other students in the school, you can tell how much pain he is in, because of his anger in this video. Then later, when he meets up with his old friends who’ve seemingly abandoned him over the past year, since they have become more popular, you can feel how hurt he is by them having let their friendship fade away over time. You can feel how alone, lost and damaged he is feeling from this abandonment, and from all of the bullying he’s been subjected to. Later in the episode, he talks about how he’d been bullied, and how invisible he felt. That it felt better to be invisible, however, then it did to be bullied. Basically, the only time anyone saw him over the past year, was when they were bullying him. He also talks about his previous attempt at un-aliving himself, and how no one noticed he’d been away from school for a time. How alone he felt. And, I can feel it in my bones; the pain of rejection and just wanting to be seen and accepted for who you really are.
I don’t know if it’s because, after having acted in community theater, I know what’s involved in such a performance. That you have to pull things out of your heart and mind, that you would otherwise bury deep inside of you. How you dredge up things; memories and their subsequent emotional responses to use as fuel for each performance. Especially the darker ones, like this one. I don’t know if it’s that I can relate to digging deep and drawing out my own monsters to help me with these performances, myself. Or, if it’s because I’ve felt the same pain.
I’ve had similar experiences. I’ve been bullied. I’ve felt alone and rejected; unseen. I’ve been subjected to high school drama and trauma; both in high school and in my adult life (because some, never truly leave their high school mentality behind, but I digress). I’ve been victimized and violated, and have psychological injuries and emotional scars to prove it. And, I’ve been in a place, similarly dark to this character, where I’ve both wanted and attempted to unalive myself, as well. I know the pain, frustration and desperation of sitting in the darkness too long. And, although I’ve never been, and never would be dark enough or desperate enough to hurt others, I can see the believability of this particular performance. Because, when pushed into a corner, people often scratch and claw and fight their way out. Some people do dark, damaging and violent things; I’ve seen this in both of my careers, and in my personal life. And, they do these things when they feel there is no other way out. When there is seemingly no one listening or no one who cares. No one to help them out of that place. No one to ‘find them’, and pull them out of that darkness.
I’ve seen this happen. I’ve seen people harm themselves or others because of that dark place. And, I’ve seen the pain that I saw in this actor’s face, in theirs and in those who were left behind. The pain that can only be emulated by someone if they, themselves have gone through something equally as dark and painful. Pain, that can only show up in performances like this, if they are courageous enough to dig that deep and use that pain to help others. Like Colin Fickes did in this performance; this episode of this particular TV show.
I posted a kudos to him on social media yesterday, after having re-watched that episode. Letting him know that his performance was heart wrenching and powerful. He thanked me for watching, and for my kind words; telling him what an incredible actor he is. What he didn’t say, and what I’d never ask, was where that performance came from. Where his other performances have come from. But I could tell; from a place of overcoming darkness like that. Because, he had to have experienced the kind of darkness that manifested itself in that performance, in order to perform like that. In order to access that pain. But the simple fact that he’s still around to do so, means that, if he did sit in that darkness, he fought through it and overcame it. That’s what I saw, when I watched it this time.
I saw the darkness and pain. I saw the desperation. But I also saw him standing there; living to talk about it, or in his case, to use it as fuel for his performance. And, I could empathize. I too, have overcome this level of pain and desperation. I too have fought myself out of corners that others put me in; literally and metaphorically, alike. I too, have resided in that darkness; a little too long, sometimes. And, I too, have lived to talk about it. For me, it’s here, within the pages of this blog. For him, it’s on screen, in his method acting. I know what those experiences look like for me, but not for him. I know my traumas and the resulting pain. But I don’t know what he’s experienced. What I do know, is that he’s lived it, and survived it. And, that he’s successfully used it to help others in his way; through his performances.
We’ve all experienced some kind of pain, like this. We can all relate to one another, in that way, in some way. Because, we’ve all been through something that took us into that darkness, at one point in our lives. The difference between those of us who made it and those of us who didn’t is that we had someone, like this actor, to reach us. Someone or something that pulled us out of that darkness we were in. Someone, who found us before it was too late. In my case, there were a few people in my life that ‘found me’, before I disappeared forever. There were actors’ performances, and throughout my most ‘almost successful’ attempt at un-aliving myself, a singer/songwriter (Kate Voegle), who’s music ‘found me’. Just in time; at that critical moment when, had it not, I wouldn’t be here to write about it. And, in most recent years, I’ve had the one person who had the biggest impact on me, and my life that ‘found me’; me.
The past few years, I’ve been my own hero. I’ve been the one pulling myself out of that darkness; sometimes, over and over again. Even if that meant, reaching out to someone else for help, when I couldn’t otherwise find the strength needed to pull myself out. I ‘found me’; and found out that I had more strength and conviction than I ever knew I had. Strength that came from having gone through all of these things and survived. And, conviction to live and express and relay messages like this one, to those who might need someone to ‘find’ them, at a similarly dark and critical point in their lives. To reach out from within the void and let them know they are not alone. That it hurts like hell right now, but it gets better.
Art like this exists to tell whoever is struggling like this, that their art matters. That they matter. That one day, they could be the one; standing on that stage/set, recording an album in that studio, or writing a message of hope to others, who needed their help. Who needed their voice, or their performance to pull them up out of that darkness. That one day, they could be the one to tell someone else that they needed to survive, not only for themselves, but for others. That one day, someone else might be sitting writing a blog post about how they survived because of someone who ‘found them’ at a critical point; with their performance, or their song, or their book/screenplay/blog. And, that because of that, they needed to survive. That their art mattered. That they mattered. And that’s all that mattered. That the pain would one day be a distant memory, that if used correctly, could help ‘find’ others, and pull them out of similarly dark places, as well.
To Colin Fickes - I don't know what you've been through but I can tell there has been something or some things that fuelled that performance. I don't know what it is, but I am glad you survived. I'm glad you're still here. And, I'm grateful that you had the courage to use that in your performance. You have probably saved lives because of it. I know it certainly 'found' and affected me. You're worthy and meaningful, and have so much to give. Thank you for sharing a piece of your soul with the world. It matters. Your art matters. You matter.
TRIGGER WARNING - This video deals with dark topics
Scene from One Tree Hill, involving school shooting, and teen suicide.