Little Lion Man
"Weep for yourself, my man, You'll never be what is in your heart. Weep, little lion man, You're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself. Take all the courage you have left. And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I...?" – “Little Lion Man”, Mumford and Sons
I penned an earlier post including these same song lyrics, called, “Not Your Fault but Mine”; a post about how I had reacted to someone else’s cruelty, with further cruelty. How, that wasn’t in my nature to do, anymore. That, I’d done so much work on myself, learning to take responsibility for my own life, words and actions in relation to myself and others. And, how I had practiced the art of loving kindness for so long, that I’d learned to respond to cruelty through love and compassion; versus reacting cruelly, as I had in that particular instance. But, that sometimes, I slipped up. In that case, I slipped up because the person who was cruel to me was someone that I loved, and who I had once thought, loved me, as well. That the cut this person made in me was as deep as it was, because of how I felt about them, and what they meant to me. That, I had a knee-jerk reaction to their cruelty, and instead of responding kindly, I reacted/responded in kind. And that hurt me.
My reaction, hurt me more than their actions; because I knew I could do better. Because I knew I had learned how to respond differently. How to regulate my emotions, and how to reframe what they said to me; to try to see things from their perspective, and get to the bottom of why they said or felt what they did. And, to understand that sometimes, people say things out of cruelty and unkindness because they don’t know how to respond differently. Because they haven’t learned the lessons that I have. Or because they haven’t taken responsibility for their own lives; hence, still blame others for their lot in life. And until they do take that responsibility, themselves, will continue to be, from their perspective, at least, perpetually victimized. And henceforth, will continually victimize others, as a result. I know this to be so, because I was there once, myself.
The perpetual victim; angry, bitter, and resentful. Feeling abandoned and discarded. Feeling like I was always being passed over; that I’d never have what I wanted, or be wanted by someone else who wouldn’t eventually leave me when they realized how broken I was. That I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough; that I wasn’t enough. Period. Because I’d been told these things my entire life. And, as I’ve said in previous posts, here as well, words have the power to harm or heal. Words have the power of life or death. Love or hate. They can tear us down, or build us up. And words, have caused enormous suffering throughout the ages, as a result. The words that I’d heard, over and over again; from various sources, throughout my life, had done some serious damage to me, as well.
Words; spoken, written, typed by friends, family, husbands, loved ones, even. Words, that inevitably, broke me down to the shell of the human that I used to be; the perpetual victim, myself for a time. But the harshest and most damaging words, like what I relayed in the, “Not Your Fault”, blog post, were always mine. The words that hurt me the most, and that prevented me from being happy, loved, successful for so long, were my own. My own words; the ongoing toxic inner narrative that had been established by everyone else’s words throughout my life, up to that point. They were the most harmful of all, because they came from inside of me. Because they were a part of me. Because I had been subjected to so many damaging narratives about myself, that a lie had been created within me; that I wasn’t enough. And, because I had kept the lie going; through these words. Because I believed the lie. I believed that what they had all said about me was true, because I didn’t believe in myself. And I would never believe in myself, until I stopped blaming them for creating this lie within me, and start taking responsibility for my own life. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine.
I recently watched a video, featuring Will Smith (attached at the end of this blog post), talking about fault versus responsibility. Where he says, “it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is that something’s broken. It’s your responsibility to fix it”, for example, as he says, “it’s not someone’s fault that their father was an abusive alcoholic, but it’s their responsibility to figure out how they’re going to live with those traumas, and try to make a life out of it”. He goes on to say that it’s our responsibility to learn to “take that pain, and overcome and figure out how to build a happy life for yourself”. Then he suggests that, “Your heart, your life, and your happiness is your responsibility, and your responsibility, alone”. And, I couldn’t agree more!
In regards to the argument that I blogged about in the aforementioned post, and my reaction to this person’s words, I take full responsibility for my reaction. It was not their fault that I reacted in the way that I did. Yes, they elicited this kind of reaction from me, through their cruelty but my reaction was my own responsibility. And I am at fault for the ensuing cruelty that I directed at them, in return. I am also at fault for believing so little in myself, that I believed what they said about me, to be true. Believing the lie, because despite all of the work I had done on myself up to that point, I obviously still needed to do more work; I needed to believe in myself, love myself and like myself more than I did at that moment. Had I done, I wouldn’t have believed what they said about me. I would have taken full responsibility for my own life, and response, and would have responded with love and kindness. Or, at the very least, compassion and understanding. The reason that I reacted unkindly, is because what they said hurt.
What they said, hurt because I believed it to be true. And, instead of seeing this in myself; understanding that no one could hurt me like that, if I didn’t believe the lies I’d been told about myself, it hurt. It hurt, because I believed them. It hurt, because I allowed it to. It hurt, because what they thought of me, mattered more to me, than what I thought of myself. And, because of that, I blamed my reaction on them, for having said it, and having caused my reaction. But the truth of the matter is that it was not their fault, but mine.
Eleanor Roosevelt once stated that, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”; meaning that, in order for you to be hurt by someone’s words or actions, or for you to feel inferior to them, you have to view them as superior to yourself. You have to believe this lie that’s been told about you, like I had for so many years. If they hurt you; with their words, actions, or inaction, then it’s not their fault. It’s yours. Because you let it hurt you. Because you’ve not taken responsibility for your own heart, life and happiness, in the way that Will Smith suggests we need to do. If it hurts, it’s because you’ve allowed them to infiltrate this happiness and peace you’ve created within your life and yourself, and you’ve allowed them add to the big lie that you obviously still believe about yourself. Like I did; and have perfectly illustrated with my earlier reaction to the person with whom I argued, and met cruelty with more cruelty.
Easier said than done though, right? What if you’ve been violated, abused, traumatized, assaulted? Cheated on? What if you’ve been subjected to bullying? What if you’ve experienced compound, complex trauma and been met with little more than cruelty throughout your life? That’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility; to take back your life, work through the traumas, and create something better out of the rubble. It’s my responsibility to take charge of my life. I have been violated, abused, traumatized, cheated on, bullied, subjected to compound, complex trauma and been met with little more than cruelty throughout my life, as well. I have complex PTSD, Persistent Depressive Disorder and chronic anxiety attacks, as a result. These are not only diagnoses that I have to live with but disorders and their ensuing symptoms that I have to manage on a daily basis. But it’s my responsibility to manage them, effectively. It’s my responsibility not to be a perpetual victim, and to find a way of changing that inner narrative. To choose; not to let the pain and suffering and traumas that I have experienced, define me or my life. To choose, not to believe the lies that I’ve been told about myself; either by others, or more importantly, by myself. And, to choose to respond with loving kindness, or at the very least, compassion and understanding, when met with cruelty and unkindness; by others, and more importantly, by myself.
If I choose to send out the same kind of hurt and cruelty into the world, as I was subjected to, that's also my fault. It's my responsibility to choose wisely. It's my responsibility to choose what my response will be, and how I want my life to be. Do I choose to be take responsibility of my own life and happiness? Or, do I choose to be the perpetual victim, like the, "Little Lion Man"? Who, perpetually weeps for themselves instead of using all of the "courage [they] have left"... to fix "all the problems [they've] created in [their] own head"? I choose courage and responsibility. I choose love and happiness. I choose life.
Yes, it may be their fault for having said or done these things to me, throughout my life. It may be their fault that they created this hurt and sent it out into the world. But, it’s my fault; for believing it, for accepting it, or for choosing to keep living with it every day. It may be their fault, but my response, is my responsibility. And, even though I was victimized, if I choose to victimize others with cruelty because of what I've been through; or, if I choose to be a perpetual victim, myself, that’s my fault.