Paradise or Utter Madness?
When she was just a girl She expected the world But it flew away from her reach And the bullets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy The wheel breaks the butterfly Every tear, a waterfall In the night, the stormy night, she'd close her eyes In the night, the stormy night, away she'd fly And dream of para-para-paradise – Coldplay, “Paradise”
When I was a little girl, I expected the world. But it flew away from me and since then, I've had little more than bullets in my teeth, myself. Some days, the only reprieve is found during sleep, and in dreams. Sometimes, those dreams are like a paradise; full of all of the existential outcomes I'd always desired. Sometimes, like last night's, they're sheer and utter madness.
I’ve been starting my morning, every morning since my Petawawa trip last month, listening to Coldplay while I eat my breakfast and check my emails/news/social media. This started because, music is a huge part of my life; I have a playlist to read to, to write to, to work out to, and to cycle to. A playlist for yoga, and even a playlist to sleep to. I always start my day with music. And, while staying in the hotel in Petawawa, I was looking for music to start my day with and wanted it to be a mix of slow, relaxing and upbeat and uplifting music; and who better than Coldplay to be just that. Since that trip, I’ve just continued with the same habits that I started forming while on holiday there.
I have always been a fan of Coldplay, and as such, have used their songs for a variety of different activities, including a few of my blogs. So, I’ve a ton of memories associated with them. And, beginning my day in this way, has brought to the surface many of these memories, along with all of the feelings and emotions that they elicit within me. This new practice of Coldplay mindfulness in the mornings; and having added some of their songs to my most recent cycling playlist, has me tripping down memory lane pretty hard. And, when I say ‘tripping’, I don’t mean falling over my own feet; I mean taking a ‘trip’ that would only be possible in the waking world with some kind of hallucinogenic substance. Which was seemingly pretty well the underlying theme of last night’s ridiculous dream; or at least how it would have played out were I awake, at the time. A bizarre dream sequence, I can only liken to that of Coldplay’s “Paradise” video; featuring people, places and things from my life, with characters played by different actors, all playing a role that didn’t make any sense – for them, or for my memories – all to a Coldplay soundtrack. Which is even more bizarre, since I fell asleep listening to Enya.
Have you ever had that happen? A dream featuring a series of memories that have been skewed and altered just enough to make you realize that they are all wrong? Like, something in your subconscious is trying to make you remember this particular dream for a reason. In my case, it was all completely wrong and skewed. Things like, that my ex-husband and I were still together. But he was played by Sam Heughan, who plays Jamie Fraser on Outlander; obviously wishful thinking on my part. And, we had a baby together; in reality, we never had kids of our own, together. And, we were the age we are now, with this baby; in our 50’s.
My daughter was in my dream, and she had brought the dogs into town (taking them away from their country paradise without all of the stimuli that stresses them out, like when they're in town) to meet me a local shop to pick up bag tags. A shop I never go to unless I’m getting bag tags but that for some reason, she was meeting me at that night. Even though I was out by myself earlier in the night, having dinner and drinks at a local pub (in my dream). But apparently, we had to meet at this shop to get bag tags at zero dark early, and she needed to bring the dogs to town, with her? A shop, who’s owner was played by Sophia Bush, who played Brook, in One Tree Hill. And, Sophia/Brook/shop owner was yelling at me in a thick Scottish accent, something negative about my husband; some kind of warning to me. I wish I could remember what she said.
The dogs were tied to the post in front of the store, and I was worried that they would bark so, I told my daughter to go out to check on them; my daughter who, incidentally was playing herself in this particular dream sequence. When she went out to check, my husband/J/Sam/Jamie and our baby were gone. I panicked, but my daughter told me that they had gone to the hospital because she/the baby had a fever. I couldn’t understand why he would have taken her without me so, I tried calling him but he wouldn’t answer. So, I called a cab; which was apparently the number for the local RCMP detachment – RCMP doesn’t have local, municipal jurisdiction where I live. But also, the number was my old number from when I was married to husband number 2; not Jamie Fraser. Needless to say, the whole thing was slightly vexing, to say the least. And, this morning, while listening to Coldplay again, I’m trying to sort it all out in my head.
Obviously, Scotland has a big role in the theme of the dream; there were other signs and oddities within the dream that lead me to believe that is so. And, the baby; in pretty well all dream analyses I’ve ever read about, means ‘new life’ and ‘new beginnings’. So, that could be a good thing, were it not for the fact that in the dream, the baby was sick. So, my new beginning is/has the possibility of being, as well? And, the warning – that for some reason escapes me – by my minds Scottish rendition of Sophia Bush? What was it? Obviously, something big has been on my mind. Something about; new beginnings, relationships and Scotland. The latter part is always on my mind, though; Scotland, good looking Scottish actors like Mr. Heughan, himself. Why not, right? But something is on my mind, and for some reason, something in my unconscious mind; or a Scottish ancestor who reminds me of Sophia Bush is in my very DNA, screaming a warning about this ‘new beginning’ I’m somehow and in some way considering. Either that, or I’m watching too many strange and whimsical Coldplay videos lately. Especially videos like “Paradise”.
Is this paradise I’m trying to create? Or complete and utter madness? Something’s obviously heavy on my heart and mind right now. I know that I’ve been considering a big move; out of country once this pandemic has finally abated. Or, at the very least, an extended holiday abroad. I’ve also been thinking a lot about X lately; who, incidentally, is on holiday in Scotland, at the moment. Could he be at the center of this? Either him, or what he represents to me? Could it simply be that it’s approaching that time of year again, when we spent a fortnight together two years ago (next month). A time, when I could finally see a future with a partner? Another human fellow traveler taking up residence in my heart, mind and possibly life? Or, could it simply be that I’m just done with this country because of the past year and a half’s worth of shitty decision making, division, hatred and ineffective and corrupt governing? I don’t know what it is but something in my subconscious is screaming at me, at the minute, and I need to listen.
Either way, I think I need some deep introspection. That, or a strong glass of whisky and a new morning playlist. And, maybe I’ll re-watch Outlander while I sip that whisky; for dramatic effect. After all, isn’t that what the creative mind seeks to find? Not so much answers, but more so, the dramatic effect associated with the seeking. That’s precisely how art is born, isn’t it? A little bit of creativity, a lot of madness, and a wee dram of whisky. Where’s my whisky? Is it five o’clock yet?