Art by Tavares Strachan
Art by Tavares Strachan https://www.mariangoodman.com/artists/tavares-strachan/
Authentically You - Belonging vs Fitting in
I’ve been feeling very lonely these days; which is a strange feeling for me. Me, who spends the bulk of my days alone. Me, who is never at a loss for something to fill my time. Me, who finds solace and comfort in solitude. Me, who has lived alone for well over eight years, now; and has been content to do so. And yet, I’ve been finding myself lonely these days, and have been unable to pinpoint why that is. I know much of this feeling is likely associated with the lengthy periods of isolation, resulting from multiple consecutive lockdowns here, in Ontario. But considering the amount of time I spent alone, even before the lockdowns began; years of lengthy periods of independence and solitude, one would think I was more than accustomed to this kind of social isolation. So, I’ve been searching, trying to discover the reason for this sudden feeling of loneliness, and after my sister came to visit and stay with me for ten days, I realized why I was feeling this way. I realized, that it was less about being isolated and alone, and more about missing a sense of belonging. That I thought I was living my life authentically; by being independent. Independent of thought and living a life of true autonomy; which to me, meant truly authentically. But that, to truly live life authentically, we need to feel a sense of true belonging.
Carl Gustav Jung once wrote that, “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible”.
This quote resonates deeply with me. And, after spending the past week and a half with my sister, I finally truly understand the difference between ‘isolation’ and ‘solitude’; the difference lies between ‘belonging’ and ‘fitting in’. Like, Jung theorized, the feeling of isolation and loneliness doesn’t come from spending time alone, it comes from not having an outlet with which to express one’s thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideologies. It isn’t born from being socially isolated, but from being surrounded by people with whom you cannot truly be yourself. For me, that is my sister, my children, a few other family members and a handful of friends with whom I share a deep connection. Outside these relationships, I feel alone and lonely.
People, who expect your ideologies to fit with theirs, in order for you to be a part of their friend group. Or, people who you feel you need to agree with, in order for you to fit in with them are people who create that sense of loneliness within you. People and groups of people with whom you share a common interest, ideology or values; who either believe or make you believe you need to agree on everything in order for you to ‘belong’ within whatever community or demographic that they belong to. People who minimize your contribution, and theirs to said community or demographic by reducing your own and one another’s full personality – or who don’t allow for full, personal autonomy - to what will fit into a box; “ideological bunkers”, as Brenee Brown calls them. Those people are not your people. Those communities are not promoting ‘belonging’; they’re promoting ‘fitting in’. As Brenee Brown explains, these are communities with, “people who are politically and ideologically likeminded”, and where we work to, “fit in" as opposed to "belong,", where we “acclimate to the situation instead of standing for our authentic self”. And, as Brown has said, and I have said, myself many times, if we’re not true to ourselves, we are not truly living our lives authentically. And, if we’re not living authentically, are we truly living? Brown goes deeper into this, by suggesting that not living authentically, and not having the courage to stand alone, to be authentic, we are choosing, “fitting in, over belonging”. And, goes on to say that, “When you choose fitting in, over belonging to yourself, it’s painful”. I agree. And, I’ve experienced this much more throughout my life than I’d care to admit.
This past week and a half with my sister here however, I’ve been able to find and exercise the idea of ‘belonging’ over ‘fitting in’. Not because we’re sisters, and as such, are supposed to love and accept one another unconditionally, but because my sister and I have made an agreement to listen to, learn from and unconditionally accept one another and our opinions. We have consciously made an agreement to, “agree to disagree”, when we don’t share certain ideologies or opinions. And, to be open to learning from one another, in order to grow and evolve as human beings. And, where we disagree, to not allow that to adversely affect our relationship. When we disagree, we debate without arguing; we don’t allow it to get personal or ugly. And we fully and completely, unconditionally love and accept one another, despite our differences. That is true belonging.
This is not the case within and not true of all families. In fact, in my experience, it’s not true of most. It’s certainly not true in my family; at least my origin family, anyway. Outside of this particular sibling relationship, that is. In my origin family, we have varying ideologies and we still love one another. But that doesn’t mean we all experience the deep sense of belonging that is supposed to accompany family. We don’t express ourselves freely, as people should feel comfortable to do, in a family or community where we feel or should feel that we truly belong. We have differing ideals. We know we have differing ideals. And, instead of providing a safe space for one another, where we love unconditionally and make each other feel like they belong, we simply don’t discuss our differences. It’s safer that way. When we’ve tried to have discussions, or one of us expresses our differing view; politically, socially, or otherwise, it inevitably ends in conflict. That conflict, sometimes ends in long periods of communication blackouts between some of us. Versus demonstrating the unconditional love and acceptance that is supposed to accompany true ‘belonging’. That is not ‘belonging’. It is ‘fitting in’. Tow the company line or shut up about it; if you want the love, support and acceptance that family is supposed to provide. The same goes for some of my friend circles.
That has been highlighted throughout this past year and a half. I’ve watched friends who I thought were very closely connected, in circles who claimed to love and accept one another unconditionally, as well, fight amongst themselves so badly that the community became irreconcilably divided. The community, broken as a result of these differences of opinions; their differing ideologies. The friends who, have been able to disagree, patiently and lovingly, and still remain friends are those with whom I now know I truly belong. The remainder; the ones who walked away from one another over these differences, never truly belonged with one another. And, if I want to feel a true sense of belonging, while maintaining personal autonomy and living truly authentically, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I never truly belonged with them, either.
“… we’re not connected we just hate the same people” – Brenee Brown.
This particular community always prided itself on the fact that we were a diverse community of artists and creatives who were connected by their art. That we were a community of unconditional love and acceptance. That we were diverse and that we celebrated this diversity. The actions of a few this past year though only served to prove the opposite. Only served to prove that we were not all truly connected, that some just, as Brown suggests, “hated the same people” … hated the same things. Liked similar things. Had similar ideologies or assumed that others within the community shared the same ideologies based on the appearance of these ‘ideological bunkers’; ‘bunkers’, or boxes that, in their minds, people ‘like them’ should fit into.
However, just because we feel we share similar interests or have the similar ideologies with regard to politics, social values or faith, doesn’t mean we belong with the communities who share our ideals, values and ideologies. Not if we cannot be free to be our authentic selves, and express ourselves, authentically. That is simply ‘fitting in’. And, there is a difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’. As Brenee Brown explains in her research on belonging, “belonging is not something we negotiate with the external world, it’s something we carry in our hearts. Having the courage to stand alone, allows us to find groups we are a part of but stand firm in our own ideologies”. The ‘safe spaces’ that people talk about; and some disregard as a 'snowflake' term, where we can be ourselves without discrimination or conflict, are necessary for us to be truly authentic without fear of reprisal.
It’s funny how we’re sold the idea of living ‘authentically’ but suffer so much of this reprisal when we do. On social media, within our communities, and within our families. How can we live authentically if we aren’t allowed the autonomy to do so? Human beings have a deep need for love and belonging. It’s near the top of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for a reason. Without that sense of love and belonging, we never reach self-actualization. And, it is self-actualization, which is responsible for our ability to live truly authentically.
Living authentically should not have to be lonely. So, if you’re feeling lonely and misunderstood. If you’re not feeling that you’re living your life authentically, like I’ve been feeling this past while, perhaps it’s time to take stock of your relationships like I’m doing. Perhaps, you’re experiencing something similar to what I’ve been feeling, a lack of personal autonomy. Like you’re ‘fitting in’, versus that you ‘belong’; within your community, demographic, family or circle of friends. And, maybe it’s time to take a good look at where you feel that deep sense of belonging; like I did this past week. And, what that looks like for you.
For me, it’s within relationships like that of mine and this particular sibling of mine; where I am free to be my true and authentic self. Where I can express my opinions, freely. Where I can speak my mind. Where I can take a stand without having to stand alone. Where I can teach and learn, at the same time. Where there is true, unconditional love and acceptance for me, for who I truly am, and how I really feel about existential questions and concerns. And, where my ideologies don’t have to match the person with whom, I want to be in a relationship; regardless of what form that relationship takes, in order to feel a true sense of belonging within that, or other relationship(s).
For me, living truly authentically; without feeling lonely, means full personal autonomy for all parties within each and every one of the relationships we have in our lives. And, as long as the person or persons ideologies are not harming you or others, everyone should hold the same attitudes. Unconditional love and acceptance, personal autonomy, acceptance of differing opinions and ideologies. And, an 'agree to disagree' attitude that nurtures all of these things. that, to me, is true belonging. And, belonging while living authentically, in my humble opinion is the very road to self-acutalization.
And, self-actualization to me, in part, is knowing that belonging means feeling and being authentically you, no matter where you are, or who you are with.