All of My Days - 18,710 - Don't Want to Waste a Single One
"Well I have been searching all of my days All of my days Many a road, you know I've been walking on All of my days And I've been trying to find What's been in my mind As the days keep turning into night" - Alexi Murdoch, "All of My Days"
It’s been a weird month for me. Alternating between an overwhelming sense of calm and peace, and melancholy, rage and nostalgia. There is nothing new in my life that I can attribute to these crazy feelings and experiences. Other than, that everything that could go wrong, seemingly has, and I have been taking hit after hit this past month. Despite that, I keep standing and keep fighting. But it’s been exhausting. Other than that, there is nothing new or different that has changed within my circumstances, and yet my circumstances seem to be in a constant state of change, themselves. The only thing I can attribute to some of the melancholic episodes, is spending time with my Granddaughter and my kids, and re-experiencing things I did, as a young Mum, but through the eyes of a Grandparent. Versus, as a parent, myself. It’s a daily nostalgic trip down memory lane for me. That, and living in the town where I raised my kids. Everywhere I go is a reminder of that season of my life. And, as beautiful as most of those memories are, they are also a constant reminder that that season has long since passed. And, that I’m in the autumn of my life now. And, that this means, I’m running out of time.
Time, to live, love and experience life. Time, to spend with my kids and my Granddaughter. Time with my sisters. Time to get to know my aunts and cousins that I recently found, via a DNA test. Time to travel back to Scotland and experience the feeling of ‘home’ I get when I am there. Time, to rack up the miles on this journey we call life. Time. Time, that I’ve taken for granted all my life; as Alexi Murdoch would say, “all of my days”.
Days, that seem to be becoming fewer and fewer as each day passes, and as ‘the days keep turning into night’ “I’ve been trying to find, what’s been in my mind, as the days keep turning into night” - Alexi Murdoch, “All of my Days”. Something’s been in my mind. Something’s been heavy on my heart. Something’s been pressing on me. Some big change seems to be looming. And, this week has been one of those weeks where I feel the burden and freedom of this, simultaneously. But can’t put my finger on what that change is, or what it looks like. I have hope; for what that will look like when it comes to pass… and that it will, eventually, come to pass. But, at the same time, I am overwhelmed by confusion, frustration and trepidation, at the idea of any change. Especially change, the size of what I feel is coming.
Life is change. It’s ever changing. We’re ever changing, growing and evolving. Each experience creates a whole new world within us. As Anaïs Nin once wrote, about the friends in our lives, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”; and like friends, our experiences and what we fill our days with, also represent a world in us, “possibly not born”, until we experience these things. A whole new and different world, outside of ourselves and yet, within our lives and minds that wouldn’t have been born, had we not; taken that course, travelled to that place, worked in that job, dated or married that person, raised those kids, etc. World’s only dreamed of until we added these things to our days; all of our days. Each world, like their own different lifetime, within our lifetime. If that’s the case, I’ve lived thousands of lifetimes within the past 51 years; 18,710 days.
I’ve lived 18,710 of these days. 18, 710 days of happiness, joy, pleasure, pain. Struggle, success, brokenness and defeat. Of triumph and tenacity. Of adversity and defeat. Of defeating adversity, myself. Of love. Of loss. Of change; constant, never ending change. Days where I lived in poverty. Days of richness and plenty. Days of peace. Days of chaos. Days of trauma and drama. Days where I healed from all of these things. Days where, the healing stopped and the trauma resurface. Days where I was kicked in the face and fell down. Days where I got back up, dusted myself off and fought another one of these days. 18,710 days. And not one wasted. Not when you look at how I lived.
I don’t know how many more of those days I have left. And, I don’t’ know what these days are going to look like for me. If major change is coming my way, I hope it’s change that will fill my remaining days with laughter, love, peace, joy and contentment. I hope that the remaining days will be as full and will create new worlds within me that make these days, worth living in and fighting for. I hope that these worlds will be as beautiful as the other ones I’ve had born within me throughout my 18,710 days; whether difficult and challenging, or filled with peace and gratitude like some of my other days. Some of my other worlds.
Mostly, I hope that I will have at least as many or more days left, in which I can find the same kind of fullness of life that I’ve felt thus far, throughout my 18,710 days. Another 18,710 days would be great but even one more in that place of joy and contentment I’ve felt throughout some of my days would be plenty. So, I hope, that whatever this impending change is that I feel coming, will bring me to that place. then, I can Honestly say, not a single one of my 18,000-36,000 days was wasted.
In the meantime, I’m going to go spend one of those days; this one, trying to figure out what it is that’s on my heart and mind, before this day turns into night.