Don't Try So Hard... You're Already F**k'in Perfect
I saw a post on social media today, suggesting it was time to discard things that no longer fit us; “pants that don’t fit, lopsided friendships, lukewarm relationships, comparing yourself to others, old definitions of love, things that feel forced, judging yourself, chasing people, routines that no longer serve you, etc.”. The post, by a very wise Therapist that I follow on IG, who goes by the moniker, ‘The Angry Therapist’ hit me right in the core of my being. Him, ‘Angry’, because when he started this social media presence, he’d seemingly been there, done that, seen enough and had enough of the things that we do to ourselves. Things, from what I can gather,that he had also done to himself, that hold us back from true happiness and contentment in our lives. And, knowing what I have recently discovered; that most often, what holds us back, is ourselves.
When I read that post, I immediately thought of the pair of size 3 jeans I have hanging in my bedroom window. Jeans, that I hung there last summer, when I had just started riding my bike daily; and was first doing between 20 and 50 km rides almost every day, and thought I would one day fit into again because of this. Jeans, from a period of my life where I was the smallest I’d been since I was a teenager, but wasn’t really fit; wasn’t whole. Jeans, I bought right after I finished basic military training. Jeans, that represented competing, striving, forcing and sacrificing. Jeans, that represented living to serve and please others; both because of that time period in my life, and because of my vanity and lack of life balance at the time. Jeans, that now represent everything that I’ve aspired not to be anymore.
Jeans, that represent the battle I’ve had with myself these past several months, actually. A battle between, holding on and letting go. Striving and letting things flow. Between trying and just being. One that has seen me join challenges to motivate me, that ultimately turned into me to me competing against myself and being harder on myself while trying than I am when I don’t. Joining challenges, starting programs and trying to ‘schedule’ wellness. Versus, simply engaging in an equal amount of movement and stillness every day. One, that has had me looking for outward changes, versus allowed me to ‘see’ inward changes. One that, I’m all too familiar with; because that is the one I’ve been fighting my entire life.
I’ve spent my life ‘trying’; to be better, stronger, skinnier, prettier, more successful than so many thought I could be (including myself, at certain points in my journey). Trying to ‘look the part’, often more so than to be just that. And, it’s been exhausting. All that happens when I do the ‘right things’ for the ‘wrong reasons’ – aka – when I do what’s right for others, versus what ‘fits’ me, is that I ultimately just quit. Which is what I normally do in situations I’ve seen this month.
I joined a challenge, on the fitness tracking app I use to track my rides, this month. A 400 km ride challenge for the month of June. I also joined a core and full body strength program on Peloton. Neither of which, I've been able to complete. My bike has been on and off the road because of tubes and tires ever since. So, I’ve barely seen any progress toward that goal. But, unlike the old me, I’ve shifted my perspective, and have decided to do something equally as physically challenging - and just as cathartic. I’ve been taking advantage of the nice days to do work outside, instead of riding, or completing the daily workouts for the Peloton programs I started. Instead of quitting, I shifted. Now, I have beautiful gardens and a deck to do outdoor yoga on.
The old me would have just given up and quit. This new version of me, however, has been allowing myself the leeway to change and alter plans. To listen to my body, mind and spirit and honour them; equally. To do things in my own time, for my own reasons and in ways that allow for balance. And, most importantly, to do things that ‘fit’ me. And, discard the things that don’t. One of these things, is to discard the picture of what I should look like; the desire for acceptance by others, based solely on my ‘gains’. A toxic narrative that keeps me striving and trying; that keeps me unwell.
There is a song by Colbie Callait, called, “Try”. The video is a beautiful montage of women taking off their makeup and letting down their hair; or in one instance, of a bald woman taking off her wig. All, smiling and looking relieved as they let go. And, it resonates with me; deeply. We’ve seen things like this thousands of times. Like the series of Dove commercials, promoting being our natural selves and believing that we are beautiful just as we are. Ad campaigns meant to smash the unrealistic beauty standards within our society. Created to empower and uplift. And yet, so many of us still find ourselves comparing ourselves; competing against, or bashing ourselves for not looking as good as those Dove models. And, we do it for the same reasons that we compete and strive in other ways in our lives; for others, not for ourselves.
We stay in lopsided friendships; where one is giving, while the other takes and takes. We are reluctant to leave lukewarm relationships, for fear of being alone; of not being loved, wanted and accepted for who we are. We change ourselves; makeup, hair, nails, clothing, homes, cars, tanning, education, compromises, work; for the looks. For; the attractiveness to others, the acceptance by others, the money to keep us able to keep striving and trying. All, so that we don’t have to look at our true, raw and real faces in the mirror. All, so that we don’t have to get to know and accept ourselves as we are. We judge ourselves, yet put others on a pedestal and compare ourselves to them. We chase people and force things that don’t fit us. And, like me, many of us keep things that no longer fit us, so that we have something to ‘aspire to’. Like those stupid jeans.
Jeans, that only serve to remind us every day of what we are NOT. What we have not accomplished. What we do not look like. What we cannot wear. Who we do not look like. How others see us now, versus how they viewed us when those stupid jeans fit us.
What we don’t see though, is how, when these things fit us, we were not the people we are now. What I failed to see, was that when those jeans fit, I was only accepted by some, because of how small my jeans were. And, how unhealthy the body, mind and soul was inside of those jeans, when they fit me. What I wasn’t seeing, when I first hung up those jeans – as a ‘goal’ – was how much fitter, healthier, happier and more attractive I was to myself, when I wasn’t able to fit into those jeans. That the person that those jeans fit, wasn’t the person I ever wanted to be again. And, that even if I was ever small enough to wear those jeans again, that those jeans would NEVER fit me rightly, again. I’d outgrown the jeans in so many ways; other than just the size.
After having read ‘Angry’s’ post, and after some meditation, introspection and consideration, I think it’s time for me to stop trying. To embrace the life of simplicity and authenticity that I’ve recently landed in. One, where I’ve stopped striving. Stopped ‘completing and competing’. One of balance and wholeness, and of self-love and acceptance. Where I have begun the process of discarding things that don’t fit me; people, places, things and experiences, that don’t bring peace, joy or happiness to my life. One that has given me a true sense of overall, holistic wellness, and a deep sense of gratitude for who I am, what I have in my life and what I can do today, that I couldn’t yesterday. Not because of trying, but by simply doing.
So, I’ve stopped trying. It’s that time of life. It’s time; to let my grey come in, to untame my curls, to loose my mom belly, to leave my face alone, to embrace all of my scars and flaws, and to just be me. For me. Not for anyone else. To accept me, wholly and completely, just as I am. Scars and all.
And, most importantly, it’s time to get rid of those stupid jeans.
