Dis-Ease and Bad Decision-Making
After the new lockdown order, here in Ontario; the third since the pandemic started. After our provincial government put the latest restrictions in place to, “prevent overburdening our health care system”; another knee-jerk reaction to the climbing numbers. A day later, I went to find an exacto knife, to help me with the project. A project I knew would help take some of the stress of the world and everything going on around me, off my mind for brief moment. I went to two different shops in attempt to accomplish this. After having ordered one through click and pay at Canadian tire, and not being able to pick it up until the following day. And, after having been told by the staff member in their service department that they weren’t answering the phones or expediting ANY orders so, there was little chance I would get the knife that day. I went to another shop, and I could see items I needed sitting on the shelf but that they couldn’t sell it to me because that shelf was taped off. Because apparently, it wasn’t considered an essential product; despite the fact it was sold in the same shop that other items deemed essentials were sold in. I went to two shops looking for the same product; the same thing happened at each shop. At one shop, I was told by one of the staff members that if I ordered it online they would pick it and hand it to me while I was in the shop. So, I did just that. But it didn’t happen. In fact, all that happened was that the whole experience turned into a giant cluster fuck. Where I dealt with one person and then another person and then finally the manager of the shop.
The manager was great, he was clearly just as frustrated as I was, myself. Frustrated that he couldn’t sell things that were sitting on shelves next to what he was allowed to sell, and that he had to deal with angry, frustrated and stressed out customers and staff all day, every day since this order was put in place. An order that, for some reason the Ontario government thought would help reduce the risk of spreading the virus? Does that make sense? That I had to go to a variety of different shops to purchase the same products? Two of whom had the product in stock but couldn’t sell it to me. A variety of different shops during a pandemic; potentially increasing the risk of spreading the virus by doing so. All because I couldn’t buy something that was deemed non-essential, in a shop that was considered essential? Does that make any sense whatsoever?
And before you jump on me for going to the different shops, and for being out to purchase “non-essentials”, first of all, I was already out buying groceries. As well as non-essentials in a place that was deemed essential. All of the places I went looking for this item, were deemed essential. Secondly what is considered essential to you may not be considered essential to me and vice versa. Underwear is deemed non-essential. But it might be essential to somebody who only has one pair. Like an exacto knife was essential to my mental health that day.
One of the shop owners told me about the fire victims who they couldn’t help because of the taping off of some of these items in their own shop that was considered essential. Fire victims th at they couldn’t help because pillows and blankets and underwear and socks were not considered essential. They were sure as hell essential to the person who just lost everything they owned in a fire.
At the end of that day I sat in a shop parking lot having a mental breakdown; an anxiety attack filled with tears, and snot bubbles and deep breathing. Breathing in and out and trying not to completely lose it. Just so I could drive home. Only to arrive home, to a text from Canadian tire saying my order was ready; the day before they said it would be, and after my clusterfuck of an afternoon. I live over 10 minutes outside of town so, I abandoned the project and had a glass of wine instead. Sounds healthy, doesn’t it?
The project never got done. My mental health never improved. My physical health is suffering now as a result. There are millions of people in the same situation as me. I am a Veteran. There are thousands of Veterans, like me in the same situation as me, as well.
I served in the Canadian military. I broke my back and my brain serving in the military. Not during combat. No, I never saw combat. But during in -Garrison service. I broke my body serving and protecting others. I broke my brain witnessing, intervening in and helping others throughout human suffering. I broke my brain helping others throughout the worst 15 minutes of their lives. I broke my brain by witnessing injustice. I broke my brain because of power imbalance and abuse of authority. I witnessed others suffer and my empathy drained the very essence of my being from me, for a time. I myself, suffered as well. I suffered a lot, actually. I still suffer to this day. But I had supports in place and, healthy coping mechanisms and healthy self-care routines in place. At least I did; until the pandemic hit us.
I’ve had to adapt in order to overcome throughout all of this. I get through every day by hoping for better. I get through by adapting. I get through by seeing human beings do the same; rise above their circumstances and fight for themselves and others. I get through when I witness other people finally see the justice they deserve or get the help that they need; like fire victims getting new pillows, socks, underwear and other things they now deem essential for themselves. And rightly so; they are essential if they are essential to someone’s well-being.
I am a helper by nature and have a deep empathy for other human beings. That is what drove my passion and desire to serve my country and my community. But it’s draining for me to see human suffering. It broke my brain, and it endangers my progress and healing to see others suffer like this every day. I have a tendency to self-isolate; which isn’t healthy but was necessary for me to heal after my service. It was already hard for me to ‘people’ before all of this. I had to force myself out to events and social gatherings in order to get the human contact and connection that I needed to heal. Now I live in isolation the majority of my time. And, now I have social anxiety and panic attacks when I go out in public; which are exacerbated by mask-wearing and nonsensical rules and protocols that stress me out further. Not only has my stress level increased tenfold throughout this but I’ve lost all of my regular supports, as well. So, I need to find alternative ways of coping. And, I need some kind of routine, some level of certainty and, things need to make sense to me.
I’m no stranger to hardship and sacrifice, but there needs to be a reason for this kind of hardship and sacrifice; like the hardship and sacrifice I endured while serving my country. For the greater good; to serve and protect others. I don’t mind sacrificing for others; I’ve given up more than I can ever tell you, just to see others safe, happy and whole. I’ve adopted that attitude for most of this past year, as well. I was a soldier. I am used to taking orders. I am used to following lawful commands. And, I’m used to sacrificing; my rights and freedoms, my time and my own body, mind, spirit for the greater good of others. I have already done so in so many ways. But in order for me to be okay with that, it needs to make sense.
All I need to get through is; a few healthcare practitioners, a little bit of human contact and kindness and to have things makes sense. There needs to be a reason. There needs to be justice. I need to witness less suffering resulting from whatever sacrifice I make, or others make for the greater good. And, it needs to make sense. The end needs to justify means and vice versa.
Like most people, for it to make sense, and for me to get through, I need a purpose. I need a plan. I need a routine. I need consistency. I need to witness less suffering. And, as I said, I need things to make sense. I need not to have to witness abuse of authority, or power imbalance. And yet, that seems to be all that I have sacrificed, as so many have And, all that I have witnessed; also, as many of us have witnessed.
All these things have become our “new normal”. I loathe the term “new normal” now. I loathe this “new normal” in which we are living. I loathe the government’s response to everything. I loathe the knee-jerk reactions, the idle threats when people don’t comply, the power imbalance, the rights that were stripped away for the ‘greater good’; but that are not truly doing the greater good. Things don’t make sense right now. And, there doesn’t seem to be any kind of real ‘plan’ at all.
I cannot abide by the abuse of authority that is occurring while we’re all locked inside our homes. Or decision-making that is happening by those responsible for our well-being. I cannot abide by the after-shock of all of these decisions that don’t make sense; like sectioning off a piece of one store, as the new lockdown measure. Literally punishing people for selling non-essentials in a shop that is deemed essential, otherwise? What does it do to tape off one shelf in the store that’s considered essential? It doesn’t limit the spread of the virus. All it does is cause undue stress and frustration. Or like me, cause people to go to multiple shops to find the item they need.
The pandemic itself, is bad enough without exacerbating the stress that exists in our lives, because of it. Most people aren’t used to living under these extreme circumstances. Many have never experienced real crises; let alone one of this magnitude. I’m used to living during crises; that was the nature of my job and jobs before it. I’m okay with crisis; and responding to crises. What I’m not okay with and, what breaks my brain further; what broke my brain in the first place, is the unjust, unrealistic and useless responses and reactions by the people in positions of authority, throughout these crises.
After I left the military, I had supports put in place to help me cope with all of this brokenness; physiotherapy, massage therapy, counseling neuro-feedback, to name a few. I don’t have any access to any of these things anymore. And haven’t for over a year now. I have had to figure out ways to adjust and cope because of this pandemic. I no longer have access to any of my normal support systems; neither physical, psychological, or spiritual. So, I adapted my self-care and coping strategies. My adapted self-care routine included many of the things that I no longer have access to anymore because of stricter measures being put in place. My coping strategies are limited. I have very little access or no access to the things that I used to use to cope. My mental health has deteriorated substantially. Were it not for my granddaughter and my kids; being able to have at least limited access to them, on and off throughout the pandemic I would not have made it through. Were it not for cycling, yoga, and summer spent in my own personal pool, I would not have made it through the last year of this pandemic. I figured out a way to adapt an adjust to move forward. Repeatedly. That doesn’t mean I’m okay. I’m not okay.
Especially when, every time I find a new way of coping, it’s stripped away from me and others once again. And, again and again and again.
I’m certainly not okay; with our leaders not understanding how to adapt and overcome, themselves. I’m certainly not okay with them not understanding how to protect us, appropriately and holistically. I’m not okay with them not seeing the big picture; if they don’t want to over-burden of the healthcare system then maybe they should look at alternatives to stripping us of every single right we have. Maybe they should look at how losing things that allow us to cope, and things that are a part of our normal, self-care routine effects our mental health. And how mental health effects physical health. Maybe they should find alternatives to locking us down further and further until we all give up or break down, entirely. Until the result of this pandemic ends up being more lives lost as a result of their decision-making, than that of the virus, itself. They need to look at alternatives that work. That make sense.
Alternatives like, having our Military personnel set up field hospitals for alternative health care. Use the military in the right way, and for the right reasons instead of threatening our citizens with them; threats of enforcement by them vs, suggesting using their trades to help throughout all of this. We have all kinds of highly trained and skilled healthcare personnel in the military. Use them. That way people could still get their life-saving surgeries that have nothing to do with the virus. People could still get a mental health support that they require in order to survive the virus. People could still get the assistance that they need in order to survive this pandemic. Our physical health and mental health have suffered drastically, resulting from this pandemic and half of it has nothing to do with the virus, itself. But, with our federal and provincial governments’ responses to this pandemic and, their apparent inability to control the spread of the virus without trying to ‘control’ its people.
Start involving your people instead of trying to control them. Start asking them what they need. When you deem a shop essential for whatever reason, allow them to sell all of their wares. One stop shopping; preventing people from attending multiple locations. Allow small businesses to sell other wares, as well. And, as health care professionals said in an interview yesterday, look at where the cases are coming from, and deal with those hot spots, instead. If they’re coming from the schools and workplaces, find alternatives in these areas versus in areas where it’s not coming out of, maybe?
Start responding instead of reacting. Reacting, by tightening restrictions that don’t make any sense. Things like enacting and enforcing a curfew. How would a curfew help stop the spread of virus? To be perfectly frank, it wouldn’t. Just as taping off one shelf in one shop, to prevent the sale of items that you do not deem necessary; despite the fact they’re already sold in the shop that you consider essential, doesn’t help. All it serves to do is increase frustration and people’s stress level; hence put bigger burdens on people’s mental health. And we know that mental health and physical health affect one another; the more stress on the mind, the more stress is caused to the body and vice versa.
Emotional and psychological stressors exacerbate people’s physical ailments, and increases the risk of acquiring the virus. So, in what way would these measures assist in saving lives? They’re wouldn’t. They would only serve to exacerbate the problem further. I spent years enforcing laws. Because I believed in the laws I enforced. But these laws; I barely want to abide by them, let alone enforce them. They are ridiculous, and don’t make any sense. These protocols make no sense.
As I said earlier, I was a soldier. I am used to taking orders. I am used to following lawful commands. And, I’m used to sacrificing; my rights and freedoms, my time and my own body, mind, spirit for the greater good of others. I have already done so in so many ways. But in order for me to be okay with that, it needs to make sense.
To the government officials: you’re not getting in front of it because you're reacting to it versus, responding. You lock us down, and yet, the numbers go up; what does this say about your response? Make this shit makes sense. Give us a response that makes sense, and that actually saves lives and the majority of us will be more than willing to comply with restrictions – if they make sense. Give us a timeline – even if it has to have a little wiggle room; so, we can have some semblance of certainty. Or at least have some faith in you. Because right now all you’re doing is reacting instead of responding. And all it’s doing is making us not want to comply anymore. Right now, all you’re doing is stripping us of everything that helps us cope and keeps us healthy and well; which only increases the risk of a more serious effects, resulting from the virus if we come into contact with it. And, more bodies in ICU’s – precisely what you’re supposed to be trying to prevent by these measures, in the first place.