Hey Brother
“Hey, brother, there’s an endless road to re-discover. Hey, sister, do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh, if the sky comes falling down, on you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn't do”. - Avicii - Hey Brother
So, I’ve been supporting and advocating for a friend of mine who is being punished for speaking up about bias and prejudice, and other toxic narratives within the organization in which they serve. They are part of the ‘brother/sisterhood’ of which I was once a part, myself. And, because of this, I’ve been forced to recall much of what I went through when I spoke up about my experiences within a similar institution to their own. On similar issues, about which they are attempting to start a conversation, as well. And, like I was, are being punished for speaking out. This is not only triggering for me but has me reliving some of these incredibly toxic experiences in my head, and has re-ignited the full range of emotions that I felt and sometimes, continue to feel, as a result of it all.
I’m remembering a time when I cried out for help, and it was met with disbelief. A time when, I was being abused, harassed, sexualized and demoralized. When I reported everything, and was interrogated and investigated, instead of allowed to be treated with the dignity and respect I’d always shown victims of similar crimes, myself. As we were all supposed to show ALL victims; unless it was us, and our abuser was one of us. It has me recalling the rumours that were spread around about me. Not only within the detachment but the community in which I served. Rumours that I was charged, stripped of my badge and fired. Rumours that saw me having to request my personnel file to prove that I'd not only, never been charged or had any remedial measures or administrative actions taken against me, but that I'd received a commendation for all of my hard work. All because I reported this abuse of authority and inappropriate behaviour and misconduct.
It has me recalling how I was treated by members of my chain of command, as well as, by far too many of my ‘brothers and sisters’, throughout the entire traumatic experience; when the sky was falling around me and only a choice few of these brothers and sisters came to my aid. And, how many of those who refused to come to my aid, not only didn’t help but actually abandoned me in my time of need, as well. And, it feels like a punch in the stomach, to be completely honest. But I don't blame you anymore. I don't blame you because I know why you went running. And, although I want to be angry with you for leaving me all alone in my pain and suffering, I know why you did what you did. It was self-preservation. And, although I have forgiven you for this abandoment, I will never feel the same about this 'brotherhood' again.
In his book, “Tribe”, Sebastian Junger explains the significance of brotherhood within a military environment. He says, “The only thing that makes battle psychologically tolerable is the brotherhood among soldiers. You need each other to get by.” And, he’s right. Whether we experience those ‘battles’ on the frontlines, or in our own live or heads, we need one another. Throughout our service, and long after. We need one another because we are conditioned to. We are conditioned to believe that we are the only ones who understand one another, and that we need to have each other’s backs at all costs. That, regardless of what happens to us, our brothers and sisters will always be there for us. Which is why it's so devastatingly soul crushing when they abandon us in our time of need. Why it’s even more soul crushing to have them be the ones who harmed us, in the first place. And heart breaking and life altering when we’re no longer a part of that brotherhood; even after all of the damage it has done to us and our lives. Especially when that is the result of us speaking up about the harm; done to ourselves and others within the brotherhood – especially when it's by the brotherhood.
We know that both, military environments and police agencies are ripe with sexism, misogyny and patriarchy. Ripe with racism and other prejudice and bias, as well. We know this and yet we do so little to change this narrative. We see it, and we sometimes even acknowledge it, yet we do so little to start real and effective conversations about it. When we do, we do so reactively, versus proactively. Like the CAF's response to sexual misconduct in their ranks; Op Honour. We do so, as a result of someone shedding a light on the problems and brokenness within these institutions. We do so, simply to save face and cover our asses. As a way of paying lip service to much needed change within the institution, but not actually doing anything real or lasting to solve the underlying issues or the getting to the root of the problem. Not doing anything to to create lasting change. Certainly, not to promote healthy and supportive environments for our members; and definitely not within the brother/sisterhood in which we exist. Upon which we build our community and support systems. On the contrary, when one of us speaks out about these issues, we divide and conquer. (Like "Op Honour", itself served to do - instead of promoting a healthy environment by dealing with sexual misconduct in the forces, as was intended - caused a rift and further divide between the genders within the ranks. And, ended up just another inappropriate joke).
Instead of standing with our brothers or sisters in their time of great need, we punish those who try to have this conversation. Those of whom have been adversely affected by this poisoned work environment. Those who have been abused by their brothers and sisters, and/or broken by the very system that is supposed to protect them from harm. Protect them so, they can serve and protect their community and country, and their brothers and sisters in arms, at the same time. Instead of coming together as brothers and sisters to support them, we oust them and discard them as though we are throwing out the trash. And, we divide them from their ‘family’ to disempower them. Forcing them to take sides, like the act of parental alienation in a conflict-filled divorce and breakdown of a family.
And, as we continue the divide them, by telling them that if we don't support them and what they stand for, then we support the polar opposite of what their organization and institution is supposed to stand for. It’s a power play. To keep us in our ‘place’. Worried about our careers being adversely affected, about losing that same brotherhood, or being charged or fired; for speaking out about injustice. So, despite the fact that the institution, itself is supposed to stand for law and order. They use each member who speaks out as an, "example", of what happens when you make waves. Subverting justice and diminishing service and protection of its people and the greater good of the community, as a whole, we are punished for doing the right thing. And so, we stand alone. And, in many cases, it’s not only soul crushing but can be fatal. I almost took my own life more than once, for this and other similarly life-altering reasons.
If only you knew how many times your members wanted to take their own lives, and why. It’s not just because of the pressures of the job, or the trauma or vicarious trauma that they experience on the job, itself. But also because of shit like this. Because we fail them, we harm them, or fail to protect them from that harm. We know that the environment is harmful and toxic, and yet we allow it to continue as such. Until someone sheds light on its brokenness again. And, even when we try to promote a healthier environment, it doesn’t get taken seriously by all of those in positions to affect this change. Our members still suffer; mostly in silence. Because they know what happens to those who speak up. Like what happened to me, and countless others who shed light on the unhealthy, unjust and toxic work environments in which we not only worked, but had our lives fully immersed in. Until we were swallowed whole by it all.
We immerse them in an environment full of toxic masculinity, patriarchy, misogyny, sexism and bias, and the sexualization and demoralization of its members. In an authoritarian environment that, by its very nature is already reductive, dehumanizing and demoralizing to its members. And, although there is a purpose for this authoritarianism; the need to create a uniformity, and an environment of submission so, as to meet its mandate more efficiently. It’s very nature serves as a tool for the arrogant and narcissistic, the power hungry, the abusers and predators. To abuse their subordinates and create an environment of all-consuming subservience for their members. This subservience overflows into their lives; and is disempowering and spirit-breaking. And yet, the members within these institutions, continue to buy into the idea of family and brotherhood. Sure, it’s a family of sorts; a toxic and dysfunctional family but family, all the same. Which is why I said that I understand why many of my 'brothers' and 'sisters' abandoned me throughout my difficulties. They were protecting their place within this 'family'. But as Sebastian Junger suggests, we need each other to get by.
There is a reason that these subcultures and their environments are often likened to cults. And, why the re-socialization process of that from, uniform to civilian life, uses deprogramming techniques with which to treat the mental wellness of its veterans. And you wonder why so many veterans take their lives.
As I said, it’s not just the first hand and vicarious trauma, or other pressures of the job, itself that contribute to their emotional and psychological un-wellness. It’s also the toxic environment; the spirit of ‘family’ but one of dysfunction. An environment in which they are ‘brought up’ as ‘brothers and sisters’ but then played, one against the other. Forced to take sides when one speaks up. Take sides or suffer the same.
As I said, I needed my brothers and sisters when I was going through hell. But they were not there. Because they were conditioned not to be, if it threatened the status quo; or the underlying toxic 'family' narrative of this institution. One of submission and subservience by its 'children'. One that adversely affected my own mental wellness, and nearly proved fatal, as a result.
This is why you cannot have a conversation about mental health, soldier suicide or officer suicide without having a conversation about the toxic culture in which they are, for all intents and purpose, ‘born’ and ‘raised’. You cannot have a conversation about these things without including the narratives of misogyny, patriarchy, racism, ageism, ableism, prejudice, homophobia, xenophobia and other biases. You cannot have the conversation about mental health of the institution's members without discussing the sexualization of its members and abuse of authority by its 'leaders/parents'. You cannot have the conversation about mental health of this institution's members without admitting to the very toxic nature of the institution, itself. And, its refusal to affect real and lasting change. You cannot have this conversation without talking about these things, first. Because that is the reality of the environment in which we live, serve and suffer. And, the narrative of, if you’re going to suffer, don't wake your brother's and sisters; do so in silence, please.
You can't have a conversation at all, if the people who are in positions to affect change, not only aren't listening but are contributing to the problem. And, we cannot affect change until we start having these tough conversations. Openly, honestly, and healthily. Until we do, nothing is going to change. And, until things change, members are going to continue to suffer; especially those who speak up as I did, as this person did and many others who (for the most part) no longer serve within these organizations did. And until we affect change, and focus on the health of the institution and its members, peoples lives will continue to be adversely affected, and some will continue to take their lives. All because we refused to have a conversation, and refuse to allow others to speak up without repercussions.
**Note: As I write this a notification has popped up in my internet browser, with the article about General Jonathan Vance, Canadian Armed Forces Former Chief of Defence Staff – the big boss – and the man behind, “Op Honour”, that was to rid the Miltary of Sexual Misconduct. He is being investigated for the same kind of behaviour that I was, myself subjected to. Behaviour that my abuser was promoted for, and I was ‘retired’ for reporting. The irony is too loud for me. I need to go scream/cry/meditate now!