The Art of Communication
In November of 2019, I posted an, ‘unpopular opinion’ post on my personal Facebook page. I didn’t say whose opinion, or if I shared this opinion. All I said was that it was an ‘unpopular opinion’. There were a variety of reactions to this post; one person said they weren’t even going to read the post, they’d seen all they needed to see and immediately, not only unfriended me but blocked me, as well. The next person, informed me that they disagreed, after having read the whole post, and then unfriended me. The next, berated me and argued about how wrong I was, and why; thrusting their own opinion upon me, without first knowing what mine actually was. Due to the toxic nature of their behaviour, I unfriended them; both on social media and in real life. Another person, disagreed but did so respectfully. And, yet another disagreed but did so with respect and loving kindness; while, educating me (also in a respectful and compassionate manner), at the same time. This was obviously the most preferred method of interaction and communication out of the lot; initially. Until the final person to comment – before I privatized the post – actually asked me; if I supported this opinion, and if so, why I did. This was what I was looking for, when I posted it.
Not as a social experiment, or other such baiting tactics. But, I suppose, unconsciously as a way of weeding out those within my ‘friends’ list who were prone to misunderstanding, miscommunication and misinterpretation. Were that the case, they certainly did not disappoint.
Obviously, the latter commenter was the most valuable contributor; because they actually stopped to ask the question. To enquire what my perspective was and, how that affected my thinking and reasoning on the matter. And, they did so with a great amount of both, respect and kindness. They were logical and yet loving, at the same time. At no time did they engage in toxic communication tactics or behavioural narratives like that of; assumption, pre-judgement, self-righteousness, arrogance or bias. On the contrary, they instead demonstrated many of the characteristics of emotional and psychological intelligence; open-mindedness, empathy, self-awareness and self-regulation. They were socially adept and it showed in their interactions with me, and others on the post in question. This is rare; as has been highlighted over the past year. In fact, something similiar; another misunderstanding and broken, toxic communication exchange happened to me this year. And, it led to yet, another disconnection.
Far too many people were already lacking in self-awareness and self-regulation, empathy and compassion well before 2020. And, this past year has only served to both, highlight and magnify this fact. And, to exacerbate certain personality traits, both negative and positive. The pandemic, the US election, the lockdowns, racial tensions and political divides have only served to breakdown communication even further. And, to isolate us all even more, from one another.
I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll say it one hundred more; this year has shown the very best and the very worst that exists within humanity. And, has exacerbated both the good and bad traits in individuals. It has also, broken down communication among us on such a large scale, that is eroding our relationships and sense of community. Even those full of compassion and empathy seem to be having difficulty communicating their thoughts, feelings and viewpoints; even to family and friends, let alone on social media. Social media is a challenging enough platform on which to communicate, as it is. Unless you’re doing videos, where you can express your ideas through other forms of communication and languages; tone, body language, facial expressions and micro expressions. Even then, there is still a void within that communication because it’s not a face to face form of communication. There is no back and forth or reading of one another’s ‘languages’, such as these. The sender and receiver are separated, and not in direct contact. Without such, contributes further to the eroding of communication. And, as I mentioned, when communication erodes on this grand a scale, so does community.
com•mu•ni•ca•tion /kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/ noun 1. the imparting or exchanging of information or news. 2. means of sending or receiving information
An article by Westgate Tech breaks down the process of communication in the following manner, “Communication occurs when a sender expresses an emotion or a feeling, creates an idea, or senses the need to communicate. The communication process is triggered when the sender makes a conscious or an unconscious decision to share the message with another person—the receiver”.
I learned about the process of communication throughout my various studies, as well. How, the sender – you – develops an idea, encodes the message and transmits it to the receiver – the intended target of your communication. Throughout the process of idea development, the sender is working through the process of forming their thoughts and ideas, based on their own perspective, perceptions and beliefs. Perspectives, perceptions and beliefs that are based on their own biological make-up, their psychology, socialization, culture and spiritual beliefs. All of the things that make them who they are, and form the thought processes that they communicate to others.
When encoding the message, they go through the process of translating this message into verbal and non-verbal ‘languages’ that they understand and, attempting to translate the message into a language that the receiver will understand. And, by language, I mean a form of communication that will speak to the receiver’s perceptions, perspectives and beliefs so, as to effectively communicate the message to said receiver. Then the message is transmitted.
Upon receipt of the message, the receiver then goes through the process of decoding that message, in their own language. Through their own perspective, perceptions and beliefs. They either understand the sender’s intent and truth behind the message, through their own understanding of the sender and their language, and through the process of decoding it through their own filter, or they don’t. That leads to either accepting or rejecting the message that the sender attempted to communicate to them. What effects this, is their own psychology, biology, socialization and spirituality, as well. As well as, how well they know the sender, and their language.
A person who is adept at communication, will take longer to decode and process the communicated message. If they are uncertain of the full meaning behind the message, they will ask questions in attempt to clarify the message that was communicated to them. And, will try to see things from the sender’s perspective, as well before giving feedback; which is referred to as, “using the information”. Then they give feedback. At the center of all communication is ‘noise’.
Noise is anything that disturbs or disrupts the message. Either at the sender or receiver’s end. As I said, this can include both, the sender and receiver’s perceptions and how they were formed. The psychological, sociological, biological, cultural/sub-cultural and spiritual facets of both sender and receiver. The best way to ensure effective communication is to attempt to quiet some of that noise. The only truly effective way to do that, is to learn one another’s ‘language’, and try empathizing with the sender enough to understand how to decode that language. Literally, trying to see things through their eyes while decoding the message sent, and before giving feedback.
An inept communicator will; receive the message, decode it solely based on their own language and understanding of the message, and then immediately give feedback. This is where communication breaks down. Some of the elements of inept communication include; inattention (listening or reading to respond, versus to understand), inflexibility (close-mindedness and unwillingness to see other’s perspective), prejudice and bias (pre-judging someone or their views based on their own belief about the issue or the person communicating their view on the issue), and cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions include but are not limited to; ineffective filtering, or inability to filter the idea or message through a common sense or realistic viewpoint. Aka - seeing only negative, versus positives. Polarized thinking or black-and-white thinking. The ‘all or nothing’ way of thinking or ‘reasoning’ that leaves no room for complexity or nuance. Overgeneralization. Jumping to conclusions. Catastrophizing - magnifying or minimizing; in communication, this means minimizing someone else’s basis for their viewpoint, or being reductive – about their education, experience, or knowledge base on the subject. And/ or catastrophizing the potential outcome of their line of thinking. Personalization; or, believing that everything you do, or believe has an impact on external events or other people, whether rational or irrational. Control – the lack of, the need for, or the desire for others to let go of. Blaming – blaming; others, society, the government, a virus, as we have seen throughout this pandemic, etc. Emotional reasoning, versus the utilization of critical thinking. And, of course, the ‘shoulds’ – the implicit or explicit rules we hold with regard to how we or others should behave, believe or reason, etc.
I am not suggesting that I am the most effective communicator, myself. Or, that I have not held any of these cognitive distortions in the past or even now; with a greater self-awareness than I’ve ever had before. In fact, I have been known to react versus respond, myself. I have also had periods in my life where I was prone to misunderstanding. Because of my own perspectives, perceptions, beliefs and cognitive distortions such as these. I have also been known to over-react to certain situations or narratives based on negative past experiences, traumas and irrational thinking. This is to be expected. Everyone has failings. Everyone has trauma or some form of difficulty they have experienced that contributed to shaping the person they are now. No one is entirely adept at communication. The key is to be open to growth and understanding; of yourself and of others.
It takes a lot of work, a great deal of self-awareness, open-mindedness and empathy (empathy, for both, others and yourself). A highly adept communicator can translate and encode their messages specifically tailored to the receiver. They quickly assess and learn the language of the receiver, and are able to translate their message so, as to promote better understanding between them and the receiver. And, to transmit a clearer message. To quiet the noise, if you will. They can put themselves in another’s shoes, and see things from their perspective. Often, they do this by asking questions of the sender, prior to even forming the idea, and encoding the message, let alone, sending the message. In addition, after having sent the message, they will continue to try to understand the receiver’s language so, as to understand and decode their feedback. And, when they receive that feedback, they will ask questions. Like those of the aforementioned commenter, who had the most empathetic and understanding response to my original social media post. They will ask questions to clarify and attentively listen/decode written messages, to understand the sender’s intent and meaning behind the message they sent.
As I mentioned earlier, however, no one is entirely adept at communication. Or anything else for that matter. The key is, to know this. To know yourself; your strengths and weaknesses, and your shortcomings; within your communication skills, your perspective, perceptions, beliefs, and how they were formed, and most importantly, your own language. Then, to ask questions; to clarify. To effectively decode the messages, you receive.
This is how you become adept at communication and promote better understanding. And, can prevent a great number of arguments and disconnections. Through ineffective and toxic communication, a community is divided. Through effective communication and promoting understanding, a strong community is born, raised up and nurtured. And, community is precisely what we all need right now. Without community, we aren’t going to make it through all of this so, we should nurture the ones we have; through effective communication, empathy and loving kindness. We all need more connection, more than ever. Not disconnection and noise.