Big Shot - To all of the Narcissists and Bullies out there
"You had to have the last word, last night
So much fun to be around
You had to have a white hot spot light
You had to be a big shot last night
Well, it's no big sin to stick your two cents in
If you know when to leave it alone
But you went over the line
You couldn't see it was time to go home
You sure did put on a show" – Big Shot, Billy Joel
Big Shot - To all of the Narcissists and Bullies out there,
In a toxic back and forth narrative on social media the other day, someone mentioned ‘self-actualization’, while acting like a ‘big shot’. And, I’m still giggling to myself about the irony of it all. Self-actualization isn’t the result of being, ‘better’, ‘smarter’, or more deep thinking than others. It occurs when you maximize your potential, by doing the best that you are capable of doing, and being the best version of yourself, that a human being can be.
According to, “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs”, self-actualized people;
Embrace the unknown and the ambiguous, accept themselves, together with all their flaws, prioritize and enjoy the journey, not just the destination. While they are inherently unconventional, they do not seek to shock or disturb. They are motivated by growth, not by the satisfaction of needs. Self-actualized people have purpose. They are not troubled by the small things. Self-actualized people are grateful. They share deep relationships with a few, but also feel identification and affection towards the entire human race. Self-actualized people are humble. Self-actualized people resist enculturation - make up their own minds, come to their own decisions and don’t allow themselves to be bullied or subjected to gas lighting by others. Nor do they feel the need to bully, harass or berate others. Self-actualized people are not perfect, and they know and embrace that fact, with humility; while showing love, kindness and compassion towards others. In a nut shell, self-actualized people don’t act like narcissists or ‘big shots’.
This pandemic has seen both, the best and the worst of humanity. All varieties of human behaviour have been exposed, and all kinds of toxic narratives have come out of the woodwork. People have shown their true colours throughout the past several months, and some of them are very dark. The narcissists and bullies, especially; either bullying us into complying with suggested ‘regulations’, or insisting that we hear them about how our freedoms and liberties are being stripped away from us. Many, have some valid points but few express themselves through loving and healthy interactions with others. So, their opining is either ignored, or met with further confrontation and conflict. Neither ‘side’ is completely right, or completely wrong. But far too many, are going about ‘informing us’ from an ineffective perspective. Many, don’t see the irony of their actions; demanding that we agree with them, and comply, or agree with their way of thinking. All the while, screaming about our rights and liberties being taken away.
One side, calling us 'sheep', for trying to protect ourselves and one another. And, for wanting an end to all of this. And the other side, having a different perspective but still, berating others for having a differing opinion to theirs, as well. Demanding we see their perspective and adhere to their reasoning; both sides talking about civil liberties in one way or another. This isn’t your garden variety, Alanis Morrissett style irony. It’s true, in your face irony. And, they don’t see it.
Now, I’m not saying that all people, and their narratives about this pandemic, are toxic. On the contrary, I’ve had dealings with numerous people, with contradictory viewpoints to my own, throughout this thing. Many of whom, expressed their opinions and beliefs in a respectful and loving manner. Some, have made some very valid points, and even shed light on some things for me. I’m a critical thinker, and open-minded. But far too many, have called me closed-minded and put me in the category with all of the other, either “sheeple”, or “disobedients”, when I didn’t immediately bow down to their line of thinking. Also, quite ironic. As are those who preach open-mindedness, while shoving their opinions down your throat and not allowing you to see things from a different perspective; without berating you for doing so. Are you open-minded? Or is that just a different flavour of closed-mindedness? I’ll let you stew on that for a while.
In the meantime, like far too many others, I’ve been sitting over here, in isolation, cut off from my mental and physical health supports throughout this. In fact, I haven’t seen any of my service providers since last February/March because of this thing. So, I’ve had to find alternative ways of coping, in a healthy manner. Some days, just to survive. Some of which has entailed, exercise, meditation, yoga, healthy eating, cyling and other self-care routines and healthy coping strategies (except for the odd pint of ice cream, and on the days that I eat an entire wheel of Brie, to myself – it’s about balance). One of the greatest of these strategies I’ve engaged in, has been setting stricter boundaries. And, adhering to them. Something that I had to enforce with an iron fist yesterday. Another of my self-care/healthy coping mechanisms and strategies has been not engaging in useless back and forth banter anymore.
I did that, at the onset of the pandemic and it had an extremely toxic effect on my health, wellness, and overall quality of life. So, I stopped engaging; especially with those of who I considered ‘friends’. I’ve come to the conclusion that, the idea that there is a season for everything, is not only quite valid but also very poignant. Especially right now. Sometimes, it’s important to speak out about issues; I do that via other means, myself. Other times, it’s best to remain silent. In my humble opinion, if you’re going to speak out, you should do so through love. As much as is humanly possible, anyway. If you can’t, you should gracefully exit, stage left. I’ve been doing very well, thus far for the most part. Until yesterday. Until I was publicly berated, abused and subjected to gas lighting, at the hands of one such, ‘friend’ (with whom, I am not longer associated because of my newly impenetrable boundaries. And, their tendency for narcissism).
I won’t get into the details of this interaction, as it’s just one of many I’ve either been subjected to or been witness to this year. Nor, will I shed any more light on this person, as I don’t want to feed their ego, or its narcissistic behaviour any more than necessary. It will only serve to fuel the fire. I will however, say this; social media is not a healthy platform, on which to debate important issues. It is so full of gas lighting, people’s hate-filled diatribes and condescension. And, the communication is so broken down, and missing the key elements of effective communication; tone, body language and expressions, and micro expressions, that it’s not only not an efficient way of expressing oneself, but can be incredibly harmful and toxic, as well. Especially when you’re dealing with bullies and narcissists.
Those who are so committed to their narratives, that they are willing to wage war on all of those who don’t immediately bow down to their reasoning; or to them. The ‘big shots’. The bullies. They’re no better than the school yard bullies or abusive partners that I’ve dealt with, myself or supported others in dealing with, in the past. Those who feel as though they are smarter, wiser, and more deep-thinking than the average person. As one such person who suggested, more “self-actualized” than everyone else. Funny thing is, by quoting Maslow’s theory of self-actualization, they actually made a point, contrary to their own bullshit narrative. While unintentionally proving that they were not actually at the level of ‘self-actualization’, themselves.
I’ve written about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs on here before; at the onset of the pandemic, and to explain the seemingly irrational need for people to hoard things like toilet paper before our first lockdown. Within his theory, Maslow states that no one can reach self-actualization without first, meeting their other lower level/basic needs. Needs such as; physiological needs, like food and shelter. Needs that have been threatened for far too many throughout this pandemic. And, as we go into lockdown number two, here in Ontario, continues to be a cause for concern for many.
Next is, safety and security, needs that are being threatened by the virus, and by the violence and division within North America, these past several months. In some cases, within our own circles of friends and family, as well. In far too many cases, people’s own safety and security has been threatened even by themselves, through their unhealthy coping and toxic behaviours throughout this pandemic. Resulting in mental health and addictions issues either caused or exacerbated by the continued lockdowns.
Next on the hierarchy, we have, love and belonging; needs that we have been hard pressed to meet, due to the extended periods of isolation and social distancing. As well as, all of the division and hatred that has been spread; seemingly quicker and more insidiously than the virus, itself this past year. Finally, right before self-actualization, our esteem needs have to be met to ‘level up’, as it were, to self-actualization. These needs include things like positive feedback, encouragement and being shown/showing compassion and empathy. Out of all of these needs, I would say that our esteem needs were hit the hardest throughout all of this; and that is saying a lot. And, a self-actualized person would understand that, and spread love and compassion. Narcissists are not self-actualized people. And, their behaviour is contrary to that of even a level 2-3 needs person.
We’re all struggling. And yet, we’ve spent the past ten months berating and gas lighting each other. Mostly, because our other needs were either not being met, or were being in some way, threatened. Which has only served to both hurt others, and ourselves, in the process. Knowing that, and feeling its effect on ourselves, you would think that an actual, “self-actualized” person would stop spreading hate and division. That they would desire unity and oneness. That they would see others needs and safety as a priority, as well as their own. That they would be less concerned with being the ‘big shot’, and having the last word; less concerned with being ‘right’ and more concerned with being loving, supportive, compassionate and kind. And by, “kind”, I don’t mean sugar-coating shit for the sake of saving face. I mean, ‘loaning someone their strength, instead of pointing out their weakness’ (a quote I found in an internet meme somewhere but very well-described).
The very definition of kindness is, “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate”. Oxford dictionary defines being friendly, or showing friendliness as, “denoting something that is adapted for or is not harmful to a specified thing”, aka, to be kind, simply means to do no harm. To be generous with your compassion and empathy, and considerate of others. One of the traits of ‘self-actualization’, actually. To quote Maslow, himself.
Is it better to be right, or kind? As, I penned in an earlier paragraph, and something that I think is worth repeating, "The very definition of kindness is, “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate”. Oxford dictionary defines being friendly, or showing friendliness as, “denoting something that is adapted for or is not harmful to a specified thing”, aka, to be kind, simply means to do no harm. To be generous with your compassion and empathy, and considerate of others."
When we scream at others, they cover their ears. When we speak softly; through love, and kindness, they listen. IMHO ♥
And, to the person who publicly berated me for refusing to berate others, You’re so vain, you probably think this post is all about you… It's not!
And, to the narcissist I recently discarded
And, to the person who publicly berated me for refusing to berate others... you’re so vain, you probably think this post is all about you… it’s not. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.