The Stranger - Give a Man a Mask
"Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever . And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone . Some are satin, some are steel . Some are silk and some are leather. They're the faces of a stranger but we'd love to try them on." - Billy Joel, The Stranger
I said something unkind the other day. Not cruel or malicious. Not something hateful but, not loving; and generally unkind. And, despite that this kind of behaviour is very out of the ordinary for me, I said it anyway. I said it while I was talking to a couple of girls in the shop I was in; about high school bullies. I said something unkind, without thinking. I said it, in response to the feelings that this kind of scenario and its associated memories elicited within me. My unkindness wasn't directed at them; it was directed at bullies I'd been hurt by while I was in school. And, about how people behave in high school; how they treat each other. It wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but it was unkind and now it's eating me up inside. Now, I regret what I said.
And, even after some deep reflection, I was struggling to figure it out. But not to figure out why I said it. But, why I regretted it so much. I knew that I regretted it the moment I said it. In fact I regretted it before I was finished saying it and, wanted to stop it from coming out of my mouth as I said it. But it was like muscle memory word vomit. Muscle memory, inspired within me because of these memories. Memories of the treatment I was subjected to by bullies, while growing up; because I was poor. I said it, because of the feelings elicited within me by these memories; of the bullying that I endured, all through elementary school, and well into secondary. But it came out and I found myself wanting to immediately take it back. But the damage was done.
This is how I see the world right now. The state of the world and the seeming lack of empathy surrounding us at the moment, has me pondering alot of things. One of these things being, my last divorce. The largest contributing factor in my divorce with J being, lack of intimacy nearing the end. Our marriage was built on intimacy; most are, but ours was also heavily reliant on our physical closeness. We were rarely apart, in the beginning. And when we were, we struggled as a couple and, our connection inevitably weakened, as a result.
J relied heavily on physical touch and closeness. From what I’ve learned since, this was because his love languages were; quality time and physical touch. The absence of which, made him pull away. With me away all of the time; for weeks and months at a time, over a period of two years, we lost the connection and closeness that we once shared because of this. I know now that this wasn’t necessarily healthy but I also understand how, limited intimacy can adversely affect someone’s connection with others. And, when connections are broken, empathy can break down, as well.
I feel like this is part of what is happening in society right now; what happened to me the other day, and what is happening on a global scale. A lack of connection, closeness and intimacy that has been brought on by the pandemic and its ensuing lockdowns and social isolation. Add to this, the rise of the use of social media to 'connect' with others while in isolation. And, the anonymity and false sense of security that (anti)-social media provides us. And, because of this anonymity and false sense of security, the bad habit people seem to have picked up, of saying whatever is on their minds without consequence or, consideration of others. As well as, the enormous amount of social isolation the world has recently experienced, and its effects on our mental health and overall well-being.
Not to mention, our ability to now literally hide behind a mask when dealing with others; which only serves to disconnect us further, and allow people to show their true faces from behind that mask. As, Oscar Wilde once wrote, “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth”. This is our new society. One of disconnection, mask wearing and brutally honest truth telling; without remorse or empathy. Because we have lost our intimacy with one another, just like J and I did, in the end.
Humanity’s intimacy has seemingly deteriorated in the same way that mine and J’s did; and for some of the same reasons. Physical and geographical distance. Lack of appropriate communication; through love. Lack of empathy because of the emotional turmoil experienced by us, while separated. Picking on one another, instead of showing love and kindness to one another. Humankind has become like two partners in a bad marriage. We have lost something between us, while hiding behind our keyboards and masks.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating against mask wearing and social distancing. On the contrary; I know the importance of us taking these measures to protect one another, and ourselves. I'm just pointing out the damage that these things can and are doing to us as a society. If we continue to be brutal and harsh, like I was the other day, and as many seem to be these days, we will inevitably end up divorced, like J and I did. I am also warning that if we continue to behave in a way that promotes hate and intolerance; versus doing all things through love and showing empathy for one another, the intimacy within humanity will deteriorate and we will inevitably end up in deeper isolation. We will do irreparable damage to one another, and humanity as a whole.
As Billy Joel says in his song, "The Stranger", "we all have a face that we hide away forever . And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone ." Before COVID, most of us had that face that we didn't show others; because it was too harsh, or too cold and contemptuous. A face, forged out of all of our childhood traumas, losses and grief that we've experienced throughout our lives. A face that illustrates to others, where we have been, what we have been through, and what it has done to us, in the process. We all have that darkness in us, that accompanies our fleshly lives. We all had the potential of being able to show this to others, and do harm to them, as a result. But for the most part, we hide it away, because we have no desire to do that level of harm to others. Or, we didn't; until COVID happened.
Before COVID, we had to show up and be present within society. We had to be kind and show the world our best selves. We had real and lasting consequences for our actions. We couldn't hide behind our invisible masks. But now, with our lack of intimacy, and our tangible and very real masks that we wear everywhere we go. And, with every interaction with others now, we reveal our true faces while hiding behind these masks. And, these true faces aren't always pleasant and attractive.
In his song, singer Billy Joel goes on to describe such masks; "Some are satin, some are steel . Some are silk and some are leather. They're the faces of a stranger but we'd love to try them on". This is where we are at now. Some are showing their true face from behind those masks. Some are satin and silk; beautiful, loving, empathetic, graceful, kind and merciful 'faces'. Others, are steel and leather; cold, callous, uncaring, lacking empathy, unkind, unfeeling and selfish. Some have the potential to heal. Others, to do harm. All, are representations of our true faces, and what it looks like when we are forced into a corner. When we are forced to be alone, and unmask like we've been doing for the better part of this year. All, because we have lost our intimacy with one another throughout our isolation. And, in having done so, many have lost their empathy.
The things that kept us from behaving the way some are behaving now, were our fears; of being unmasked and having to show our true faces to the world around us. But our newly necessitated, and in some cases, mandated masks (both tangible and intangible, alike) have ironically unmasked us. And, proven some of our true faces to elicit responses of horror and fear.
The world has become like J did with me at the end; lashing out in anger because of his lack of empathy for me. Lack of empathy resulting from his loneliness, isolation and lack of intimacy with me. Anger and contempt that ended with him finding intimacy elsewhere and giving up on us; versus trying to work through this lack of intimacy and it’s ensuing problems. And, it has forced us out of our hiding places; our places of safety and security. Despite all of the work that many of us have done on ourselves throughout our lives, it has caused us to default back to our gut reactions to far too many situations. It has unmasked us. Shown our ugliness and, the flaws in our character. And it has divided us so much that we’re on the brink of a divorce of sorts, as well.
How do we fix this? By trying on new faces and unmasking the goodness underneath those other masks. By treating one another as though we are partners in a marriage, like J and I were. Or, like a family of some kind. Fighting to keep those relationships healthy and alive. Fighting for love, instead of conceding. Instead of conceding and giving into all of the hate that we see in the world right now.
We are all in the fight of our lives right now. And, the only way that we're going to win, is by showing the right faces underneath these masks of ours. Faces built out of kindness, grace, mercy, non-judgment, peace and gentle humilty. We need to stop being strangers; both to ourselves and one another. We need to rebuild our intimacy; with one another, and with humankind, as a whole. And the only way to do that, is through love.