A Million Dreams
“I close my eyes and I can see. The world that's waiting up for me. That I call my own. Through the dark, through the door. Through where no one's been before. But it feels like home. They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy. They can say, they can say I've lost my mind. I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy. We can live in a world that we design. 'Cause every night I lie in bed. The brightest colors fill my head. A million dreams are keeping me awake. I think of what the world could be. A vision of the one I see. A million dreams is all it's gonna take. A million dreams for the world we're gonna make. There's a house we can build. Every room inside is filled. With things from far away. The special things I compile. Each one there to make you smile. On a rainy day.” – "A million Dreams", Lyrics by Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, and Ziv Zaifman. Performed by P!nk and [daughter] Willow Sage Hart
I’ve been in deep retrospection these past few weeks. Partly because of this time of year is a time of reflection for me; this time, every year. And, in part, because it’s that time of year when I begin to reminisce about my childhood, and think about my brother. My brother, who passed away on October 16, 2004; and who I will always miss, as though it was yesterday. My brother, who unknowingly has changed my life for the better; both while we were kids, growing up, and strange as it sounds, after his death, as well. I’ve been reminiscing about our childhood together; experiences, laughter, tears, and all of the memories we made together that I still hold dear to this day. And, I’ve been feeling nostalgic; not to experience my childhood again, because for the most part, it was fairly traumatic and not something anyone would want to live through even once. Let alone, twice. But nostalgic for the chance to see him just one more time. For one more opportunity to just sit with him; still and quiet, and soak it all in. To feel what it is like to have him there, by my side again. To not take a single second of it for granted, this time around.
ret·ro·spec·tion /ˌretrəˈspekSHən/ noun • 1.the action of looking back on or reviewing past events or situations, especially those in one's own life:
rem·i·nis·cence /ˌreməˈnisəns/ noun • 1.a story told about a past event remembered by the narrator:
noa·tal·gia /ˌ no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh/ noun • pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again.
Throughout this retrospection, I see and acknowledge the many reasons why I wouldn’t want to re-live these experiences. The trauma, the abuse, neglect, poverty and bullying I experienced; we both experienced. I recognize how it’s good to recollect and review the past, and even remember and relay the stories from those days and memories of those days. But it’s not necessarily good or healthy to want to go back to a place where things were so unhealthy. I acknowledge that these things were a huge part in shaping who I am. A huge part in making me as compassionate and empathetic as I am. A huge part of why I am so strong and resilient. And, are partly responsible for allowing me to find gratitude within adverse situations; calm within the storm and light within the darkness. Had I not adapted, and learned to live within all circumstances; the good, bad and the ugly, alike, I wouldn’t have survived my childhood, or the years following. Had I not had my brother throughout all of these things, I wouldn’t have learned how to let others in. I wouldn’t have been able to see the good things that still existed when all seemed lost, otherwise. And, had we not had such a trying and difficult childhood experience; together and individually, I wouldn’t have had reason for such wild dreams and ambitions like I had. Had I not had these dreams, I wouldn’t have been able to design the life I wanted for myself, either.
Throughout this retrospection, I’ve also found myself reminiscing about these dreams. How I would lie awake at night dreaming of better days; designing that better life for myself and my brother. A life filled with love and adventure; for both of us. A real family for me, and wild adventures for both of us. I would imagine what life would be like; and that imagined life would help me get through my daily darker reality. I’d write stories about one day being a wife and mother, and a police officer. Write plays, and make him act them out with me. Him, being the world travelling uncle that would visit my kids and I and regale us with stories of his travels and adventures. And, I would be the stable and sturdy one who loved, nurtured and protected my family, while leading a life of service to others; others who had been through the same kind of horrible things that I had been through, myself. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that I wasn’t just imagining this life, I was inventing and designing it. I was imagining and writing it into existence.
My brother did go on to be the wandering adventurer, as I had imagined him to be. Moving to BC and then to the Yukon, travelling to places like Cuba, and learning to make drums. Then, building a cabin in the woods, along the Yukon River, and living off the land. He did regale me, at least with stories of these adventures, and promising to come visit and share the same stories with my kids but he died before he ever got that opportunity. But I’ve relayed these stories, and spoken about his adventures so often, to not only my kids, but to anyone who would listen, that his memory is so alive in my life that it’s almost as if he’s still alive somedays. Still up there, in that cabin; living off the land, making drums, drumming, running dogs and living with wolves. At least he is in my imagination; in my dreams. That’s the power of dreams, I suppose.
I’ve felt that same dream power before. When I dreamed a life for myself into existence. Over, and over, and over again. Thinking of what could be, imagining something better, and making it happen. Like when I went to college, for the first time, at 38. When I graduated top of my class, school council president and Valedictorian of the entire graduating class of 2010; at age 40. The ironic part of that, is that the slogan of the college that I graduated from was, “Dream it, Live it”. Obviously, I didn’t pass up the opportunity to address the power of this slogan; the power of dreams, themselves, in my valedictory address. I stood on the stage and explained to that audience something similar to what I’m explaining to you right now; not the trauma and the loss, or about my brother and his adventures, but about the dreams I had for a better life. How I envisioned my life would be, and how I made it happen just by dreaming it and then living it. As anyone who’s read some of my earlier posts know, I did; have children, did become a police officer, did travel and go on some pretty amazing adventures, and did make a better life for my children and I. Life didn’t turn out precisely as I planned it. The important parts did but some things went awry, and some lessons were learned the hard way. But because of that, I kept dreaming; a million dreams for a better life, every time I got hurt, or stuck in a dark place. I dreamed it, invented it, and designed it; then lived it.
I don’t like to live in the past. In fact, the past is only good for three things; retrospection, reminiscence, and nostalgia. Re-visiting long enough to remember some good things, or reflect back on experiences to learn lessons. Not to sit there and dwell. And, although I’m a dreamer, I know it’s not healthy to dwell too long on the future, either. Dream it, invent it, design it, and then figure out how to get there. Then focus on getting there. Living in the moment, and working on making these dreams a reality. Taking steps to get there. One moment at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time. While keeping these dreams at the forefront of your mind so you don’t lose sight of what you want and are trying to accomplish; to live in a world that we design. To rise above our circumstances and make the life that we dreamed and envisioned, a reality. To create a better world; whether for ourselves, or for others, or both. A world that is of our own making. A world that begins with a million dreams.