Recover
"Been torn apart, Got so many scratches and scars, Maybe they wont all go away, But they'll fade, Maybe time can mend us together.. again. Its not what we've done but, how far we've come. We will recover The worst is over, now. All those fires we've been walking through, And still we survive, somehow. We will recover The worst is behind And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover." - "Recover", Natasha Bedingfield
Someone very dear to me just returned from a residential treatment facility for addictions and mental health. When they left, we were both in a very dark place; a place of physical, psychological and spiritual chaos and crises. They knew that they were in that dark place. I didn’t realize I was, as well. I had been working on my own physical rehabilitation and mental health recovery from the result of my time in the military and all that it cost me; body, mind and spirit. I had re-ignited my faith and had taken the first step on my spiritual journey, that would also see me begin anew, in a healthier and happier manner. But I didn’t see or even attempt the body aspect of my ‘recovery’. The missing piece that kept me in that low place; that prevented me from even seeing that I was still in the dark, and needed to be pulled out of the pit before my recovery really began. But, the combination of my giant leap of faith, and them leaving to begin their own journey; in their case, addictions and mental health recovery, sparked something in me. Made me see that I was in a similarly dark and all-consuming place, despite all of the work I had done to recover from the hurts and pain of my past.
That, everything I had been through; through my military journey and in my life, both before, during and after service, had left so many things that I hadn’t healed from. I had, like Natasha Bedingfield says in her song, “Recover”, “been torn apart” and had “scratches and scars” that I couldn’t even see for myself. I’d worked hard on the mental and the spiritual aspects of myself and my recovery from all of these experiences; years of life, love, loss and trauma, but hadn’t recovered enough physically.
I had gone from fit to fat. From fighting fit, to forfeiting fat. I’d tried physio and massage. It was helping, but then COVID happened. All of my supports were gone. And, even though I can normally think outside the box and troubleshoot problems, this last hit was the one that was almost fatal; almost a total knock out. Almost saw me give up the fight, altogether. Until this person took the first step in their recovery and made me take a deeper look at myself and my own illness, injury and issues that I needed to recover from.
I prayed; asking to be healed, asking for help to feel better. Asking for some guidance as to how to keep going, asking for the pain to stop. I prayed and meditated, and prayed some more, until I was given a word. A word that repeated itself over and over again; in dreams, in books, in songs, in TV shows. A word, that was the first step in my full and holistic recovery journey. The word was, “Move”.
Although I don’t subscribe to Chinese philosophy, itself, there is a proverb that reads, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step”. The key there is that you have to take the step. In order to take that step, you have to move. No matter how hard it is, or how much work it takes to do so. You have to move, as much as your body will allow you to.
So, I started moving; one single step at a time.
It’s been a couple of months now; of walking and cycling daily. Barely missing a day; and feeling it in my soul when I do. Realizing that recovery must be holistic; body, mind and spirit. And, that, even in my faith, we are taught to feed all of these the right way and the right things and, care for ourselves, holistically in order to live, rightly. So, that is what I’ve been doing. I have really taken to cycling. It’s become more than just a form of physical exercise for me; it’s become a place of prayer and meditation, as well as a place to clear my head. In addition to the physical workout, I am working out my mental and emotional garbage and leaving it there, on the road. The road holds a lot of my secrets; as it does for many others, as well. I love cycling because I can work really hard, or let the bike do the work for me; climb hills and descend them, equally; which feels like I’m fighting the battles and then recovering from them before I have to fight another one. I can stop and breathe and drink water; meditate and hyrdrate. I take pictures of the scenery and just enjoy the entire experience of it all. I started with a few kilometers a day, and now, I’m up to between 25 and 35, most days. Rain or shine; because it’s good for my body; it keeps me moving. It’s good for my mind; it allows me to release all of the stressors in my life for the day. And, it’s good for my soul; it’s my new prayer closet, and I can commune with my God, in His environment, and in a way, that releases all of life’s clutter and allows a quiet place of communion. It’s become that secret place; a place of peace, joy, calm, quiet, and stillness.
I began my ‘recovery’ journey three years ago; dealing with the first and most pressing aspects of recovery first by putting out fires. Physio and massage. Rehabbing, physically from all my injuries. Counselling, sleep hygiene, neurofeedback. I returned to my faith, to work on my spirit. Each one; body, mind and spirit, being taken care of, individually. But not, simultaneously.
Through this new journey; with my new movement and, this hard and honest look at my ‘recovery’, I’ve realized where I had failed before. I was working on one facet of my healing, at a time. One facet of my body, mind and spirit, holistic healing. So, I made a change. I added the combination of each facet, in everything; eating right, to fuel my body, mind and spirit to feel holistically well, sleeping enough to be rested and recover; also body, mind and spirit. Exercise and movement; to be physcially fitter, as emotional and pscyhological stress release and as a place of prayer and meditation. And, so on. Each thing, had to in some way enhance and heal all three; body, mind and spirit, simultaneously, or it was no longer allowed in my life.
This new addition to my approach to recovery, has given me a new perspective; that they all work together. And, how they work together. That each one is equally as important as the other; none more than the other, and we have to work all three at the same time. We have to feed all three, at the same time. Body, mind and spirit, have to work flawlessly together.
We need to feed our bodies, our minds and our spirits in a healthy manner, all at once. There are ways of feeding all three, at once, with the same 'food'. Letting light in to all areas of our lives, simultaneously.
Through this revelation; like someone switched on a light for me, and through moving in the way that it was revealed I should, I am just now now beginning to recover. In large part, thanks to the movement of my loved one who also, moved when they were told to move.
And, I’m finally, after three years, on my way to healing; holistically. I still have scars and scratches. I don’t think they will ever fully go away. But maybe, like in the way that, a scar fades, as the sunlight hits our skin, letting this light in will help them fade, as well.
