Who Knew - A Letter to his First Wife
There is grave danger associated with believing everything someone says to you. Particularly when you believe the wrong person. Especially when that person, is the one who vowed to protect you but does you harm, instead.
You took my hand. You showed me how. You promised me you'd be around. I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me - "Who Knew", P!nk
Dear First Wife,
I remember you saying something similar to 'himself', after he and I were married; finally, despite your unending attempts to derail us and put a stop to our wedding. I also remember you asking, "How foolish does that make me?" (with respect to how you trusted him and believed him when he said he would love and protect you forever). At the time, I had no idea how much that question would ring true to me, today. A question that we have all asked, at some point in our lives; at the end of a relationship, the end of a season in our lives where we tried desperately to hold onto something no longer meant for us. Or, when we were betrayed in some way; especially when betrayed by someone we thought, had our back. Especially when we were hurt by someone who vowed to always protect us. But after watching a TV series, where the lead character gas-lights his wife and his ex-wife, simultaneously; plays them against one another, and drives his ex-wife crazy, I finally saw the whole picture. I finally saw the truth of it all, and realized what he did to you. What he did to me. What he did to us. And it's terrible.
It’s terrible because of the parallels I see; with this story, and with ours. With yours, with him; and with yours with me. With all of ours. How, it could have just as easily turned out the same way it did for the real family behind this TV series; deadly. It’s terrible because he created so much more drama and chaos than necessary, by pitting us against one another. Terrible, because he caused so much more hurt, pain and grief than a balanced and even-tempered person normally would. It’s terrible because of how he hurt both of us, in the process. But mostly, it’s terrible because of how the children suffered as a result of it all. And, how despite all of the work we (all) did to raise them well, this experience affected them in ways we might never know. It changed them, in a lot of ways, not for the better. And, when he was done with both of us, and wanted to move on to a newer, younger model, he just left and started anew with someone else. Leaving devastation, and chaos in his wake.
I have moved on. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and have healed from this, in the best way that a person can. The scars remain, but scars are proof that I survived. And, I know that you’ve moved on, as well. You have a new life, the kids are grown now, and you are re-married. I hope that he is good to you. I hope that he treats you better than how you were treated by 'himself'; by both of us, really. I hope that this one lasts. And, if for some awful reason, if it doesn’t, that he treats you with compassion and respect at the end; unlike 'himself'. I was only able to move on because, unlike you and he, we didn’t have kids together. I was lucky enough to be able to cut ties, completely. He didn’t let me see the kids after his new wife moved in with him, officially so, I had no reason to stay in contact anymore. Initially, that was difficult for me; not seeing him or the kids anymore. And, knowing that the kids were no longer going to be a part of my life. After having been a huge part of their life for a decade, I had a bond with them, and was missing them terribly. But I wasn’t their mother; you are. I had no rights and no way of fighting for them, even if I did. And, as unfortunate and heartbreaking as this was, I was the lucky one in the end. I was missing out on being a part of their lives, but I was also able to make a clean break; to get away from the chaos and drama before it broke me, completely.
He tried. He tried to play games with me afterward, as well. The same kinds of games that he played with you; gas-lighting and controlling, abusive remarks and, harassing phone calls and messages. Games involving my children. Games involving my character. Accusations of infidelity and betrayals, that I had allegedly committed against him. Name-calling. Undermining my relationship with his kids, his family and our friends. Telling me that his brother, who was in the same military trade as I was, had told him that I was the joke of the trade; trying to take away the only thing I had remaining, outside of the relationships I had with my children. Accusing me of doing things I hadn’t done and saying things I hadn’t said. Gas-lighting. Trying to make me feel worthless, useless, and somehow guilty for all that he had done to me; but the guilty blame. And, I was not the guilty party. He was. I wasn’t completely blameless. None of us were. None of us ever are; but I wasn’t guilty.
He played these games until I shut him down. Until I cut him off and cut him out of my life, for good. Games that were his only way of justifying in his own mind, what he had done to me. The same way, and for the same twisted reasons, that he played these games with you. Games that he played while you were together, and that he played with you, at the end of your relationship, as well. Ones where he had me ‘fight’ alongside him; against you. Where he pitted us against each other so that he could be the good guy. Where he was seen as the victim; all the while, he was victimizing both of us. Neither of us saw it. We both wanted him, despite his games, and we both fought over him because of his games; which is exactly what he wanted.
Gas·light /ˈɡaslīt/
1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
As I watched the man in this TV series, gas-light both his wife, and ex-wife, I saw intense parallels between their situation, and ours. I saw the same games that he played; with and between them, and the deterioration of her mental health, as a result. I saw a woman; like you, trying desperately to hold onto her family after her husband was unfaithful and left her for another woman. And, as he did with you, I saw a man gas-light his former wife; and pit his new partner against her – like he did with me. Making her look unstable, at first, and playing games until she actually was unstable.
In both cases, there was a lot of unnecessary conflict and drama; both inside and outside of the courtroom. In their case, there was both the drama and conflict, and violence. Like us, no one was blameless in the marital conflict, or the demise of the marriage, itself. And, like us, no one was blameless in the ensuing conflict and drama, resulting from the breakdown of the marriage and family. But, also like us, there was one party that was ‘guilty’; of creating unnecessary drama and causing unnecessary conflict, and of pitting two people against one another. When, the only thing these two women were guilty of, was loving a man who played these games. Of having their hearts deceived, and believing his lies.
In the case of the real family behind this TV series, that not only destroyed the lives of all involved parties but also took two lives, as a result. Luckily for us, it never went that far. Lucky for us, we’re both okay; or we both survived, anyway. The kids are mostly okay; other than some emotional scars remaining, as a result. And, we have all moved on. Things could have been better, but they also could have been worse; much, much worse. In our case, there was gas-lighting, broken families, broken promises, and broken lives; but not broken people. Not completely broken, anyway.
As I said earlier, there is often grave danger associated with believing everything someone says to you. Particularly when you believe the wrong person. In this case, when you believe that person that you’ve entrusted your well-being to. When it’s your partner; someone you have fallen in love with, and built a life with. Someone who’s promises you believed and vows you wanted to believe were serious and everlasting. Someone who you have entrusted your mental, emotional and physical health and well-being to because you love them and want to build a life with them. And, the hurt and pain is multiplied when this someone, is the one who you’ve trusted to protect you from the hurt and pain.
"Ever wonder 'bout what he's doing? How it's all turned to lies. Sometimes I think that it's better, to never ask why. Funny how the heart can be deceiving. More than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it's not right." - "Try", P!nk
There was a time, not so long ago, that I tried to figure it all out; I tried to make sense of it all. A time, where through deep introspection, I examined where it all went wrong. What I had done; to him, to you, to our relationship(s). Where I tried to take some of the blame, myself. Where I believed that I was part of the reason for the chaos and drama, and tried to make amends for it; at least in my own head and heart, anyway. I tried to understand why he did what he did. To come to terms with how someone would hurt the people they love, in this way. I’d seen the worst of humanity, throughout my career and my volunteer work, and yet, was still trying to justify what he had done to you, to me and to us. But there’s no justification. There’s no real reason. There’s just chaos. In this case, the chaos existed within he, himself. Who knew? Not me; not at the time, anyway.
It was never us; never me against you or you against me. It was abuse. It was a gas-lighting. He was the guilty party. He was the broken one; not us. I could explain this all to you now; I could, now (through my education, training and experience with mental health and addictions), explain ‘reasons’ for his behaviour. I could explain; attachment disorders, narcissistic behaviours, Oedipus complexes surrounding someone's early childhood and dysfunctional upbringing, or their sociopathy. But why bother? I’ve forgiven him. Not because he deserves this forgiveness. On the contrary, he’s not done anything to show that he is sorry for what he did; to either one of us. But, because I deserve the peace of mind that goes along with forgiving someone, and because it is now one of the greatest aspects of my character; compassion, empathy, grace, mercy and forgiveness.
That said, I don’t know whether or not you have forgiven him, the same. And, I don’t know how you are coping with the result of all that he did; or had me do, to you. I hope you have. I hope you have found peace in your heart and mind, like I have. Not because you’ve been apologized to; I'm certain you haven't been. But because you can forgive, in the same way that I am now able to. I hope that you have had the opportunity to heal from all of this, the way that I have. And, for what it’s worth; regardless of everything that happened, I forgive you for all that you said and did to me. And, I apologize for all that I said and did to you. I hope you can forgive me. Not so that I can find peace; I already have that peace. But, so that you can find the same peace, yourself; or at least try.