A Life with Love, is a Life Well-Lived Letters to my Children and their Grandparents
“Loving can hurt. Loving can hurt sometimes. But it's the only thing that I know” – “Photograph” – Ed Sheeran
There is so much pain that accompanies the love we feel for our children. So much hurt and suffering that walks alongside the joy and healing that we experience by being a parent. Loving, as Ed Sheeran says, in his song, “Photograph”, can hurt. But as he also says, and as I know, it can bring healing as well. I haven’t always known this; not until I was a parent, myself. Not until I experienced the joy that comes with giving life to another human being. Not until what started out as a ‘little bump’ (sorry, I’m on an Ed Sheeran kick today), became a little human being. Not until they were outside of me, myself and I I held their little bodies in my hands, and soothed them, and rocked them to sleep. Not until I experienced motherhood and put my future in the tiny hands of someone else.
I knew the pain of love; the pain of not having the same nurturing given me, as I was giving my own children. But I didn’t understand the depth of love that I would be able to feel once I became a mother, myself. Nothing could have prepared me for the kind of love that I would feel for my own children. The immensity of caring, concern, protectiveness and nurturing that would come from me; someone that had never had that, herself.
“Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul. And it's the only thing that I know” (Ed Sheeran, "Photograph")
Nothing could illustrate better, how much hurt and suffering could be healed through this kind of love. How, simply loving my children, could heal some of the wounds of my past. How I could feel alive, and see the world and its beauty, so exaggeratedly; just because I was a mother. And, that I could feel again, when I became a grandmother. Just by simply feeling that kind of pure and unconditional love that also accompanies parent/grandparenthood.
After looking after my granddaughter, this past weekend; overnight, while my son and his wife went away for the first time since her birth, I felt it all again. The immensity of love. The beauty of life. The deep desire to protect her, at all costs. The sense of nurturing and overwhelming need to be there for her, through all of life’s experiences; challenges, pain, love and joy, alike. The same way that I felt the first time I saw her and held her, after she was first born. And again, and again each time I saw and spent time with her. But this time, being entrusted with her care for a night, and allowed to care for her, on my own, it got me really thinking of my new role. How different it is from parenting, but at the same time, how similar it is.
How, I have no ‘rights’ to be a part of her life or upbringing but I have all of the feelings and desires associated with parenting, when it comes to her life. How, even though, I didn’t bring her into this world, myself, I still love her like she is my own; she is my own flesh and blood, after all. And, I still feel fiercely protective of her. How, I want to be there for all of her ups and downs; her triumphs and failures. Her happiness and her suffering. To be someone that she turns to; when she needs help or is in pain, or when she is overflowing with joy and wants to share that joy.
“We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing Hearts were never broken. Times forever frozen still” - (Ed Sheeran, "Photograph")
Grandparents:
This got me thinking of all of you. It got me thinking of my life, and your lives. My roles and your roles. My children, and their grandparents. The way I felt about my children, and about how I raised them. And, about the people in their lives, that felt/feel the same about them, as I do about my granddaughter; their grandparents. My life and their lives flashed before my eyes, like a series of photographs, reminding me of each and every moment of their lives. Reminding me, like a photograph does, of the fragility of it all. And, of how quickly it all passes. How much life we live, in such a short amount of time. And, what it all means to us. What you all mean to me, and what you all mean to one another.
My Children:
There is so much pain associated with parenthood. So much pain and suffering and hurt that can accompany all of the beauty, joy and love, that you feel as a parent. That is the same for grandparents. I have felt this kind of hurt and pain the most, as a parent of grown children; when they no longer need you and are off, and on their own. Their lives are theirs and they are making a life for themselves, that doesn’t necessarily include you. And, that is often even more difficult when they marry, or have a serious relationship; because they have someone else that is the center of their universe now. Someone that has replaced a role that you used to fill for them. It’s human nature. And, it’s the circle of life. It’s completely normal, and children need to move out and move on and forward. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they do.
Grandparents:
It made me think about my life. How I behaved as a mother. How I played the role of wife. And, how I behaved as a daughter-in-law. It made me think of all of the times that you; my children’s grandparents, tried to help. The ways in which you tried to play a role in my children’s lives. It made me realize, that in some ways, I succeeded at giving my children the experience of having grandparents who loved them as much as I did, myself. How important that role was to them; is to all human beings. How important it is both to have, and to be grandparents in the cycle of life, itself. And, how we need to respect and nurture these relationships because of how great an impact they have on people’s lives. And, it got me thinking about ways in which, I failed to nurture these relationships.
How, I was stubborn, at times. How I didn’t do well at sharing them with others who loved them as much as I did. How my stubbornness and my overwhelming sense of… well, ownership, I suppose, is the only way of describing it, got in the way of your relationships sometimes. How it was my way or the highway because, ‘mother knows best’, right? How I could have been a little less controlling and a little more open to your ideas. How, even if I wasn’t open to your ideas, I could have heard you out and not been confrontational about it. How I should have just seen that you were just trying to be loving, nurturing and protective as well. Just like I was. And, that you all had the same good intentions for my children; your grandchildren, as I did. And, I realized how hard I made it for you all.
I shared; the kids but not the ‘rights’ to their lives. I made you feel as though you were ‘borrowing’ them. Borrowing time with them. Like I was doing you a favour; instead of realizing that you were the ones doing me a favour. You were doing the kids a favour, as well. Sharing your time. Sharing your lives. Sharing your love and wisdom. Showing them a different side of life. Giving them more than I could give them, alone, on my own with them. That, even though you didn’t give them life, you loved them like you loved their father; your own child. Like I do, my granddaughter. And, you were just as fiercely protective of them, loved them just as much, and wanted all of the same things with and for them, that I wanted for them, and that I want for my granddaughter; because you were all, also their flesh and blood. And, that in the end, we are all simply ‘borrowing’ them, aren’t’ we? Throughout our lives, we are all simply borrowing; people and relationships, love and intimacy, experiences, and even time, itself.
I think we all need to recognize this, in our lives. We need to see family for what it truly is. Each role, being critical to each child’s development. We need to allow each person in each child’s life to play the role that they are meant to play; especially when they play their role well. We need to allow our children and their children and their children’s children to experience the fullness of love, life and relationships. Because there is so much to give, receive, experience and gain from them all.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that we need to protect them, at all costs. And, I know that, like in my case, if someone isn’t playing their role well, or is putting their children or grandchildren, or nieces or nephews at risk, then their role needs to be supervised or even, terminated. But, when you have good people, doing their best; from a place of love and concern, they should be allowed the freedom to play the role that they are cast in, in each person’s life, as they develop.
“Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know. A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved”
“I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know A life with love is a life that's been lived” - (Supermarket Flowers – Ed Sheeran)
All:
As I said, there is a great deal of pain and suffering that accompanies parent/grandparenthood. Sometimes the pain is so great, that it breaks your heart. Sometimes, the love you feel is so enormous that it breaks your heart, in the same way. But to quote another of his songs; as Ed Sheeran says, in “Supermarket Flowers” (written about the death of his mother), “a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved”, and “A life with love is a life that’s been lived”.
Personally, I’d rather take the pain and suffering. Give me the hurt and let me make the mistakes. Let me feel remorse for things I did wrong, and let me see the error of my ways. Give me reasons to cry, reasons to laugh and reasons to apologize, over a life with love; with my children and their fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Because despite the fact that it’s all over now; that this part of my life has been lived, and now exists only as a photograph, like time frozen still, it’s been lived. I’ve lived. I loved and been loved. And, even though I’ve made many mistakes and probably hurt a few people, in the process, my children also know love. They know love, because I played my role and did my best to love them well. They’ve lived, and been loved well; by both me and the other people in their lives, who also did their best to play their roles.
To my children’s grandparents,
I wish I could share this with all of you; with everyone who played this kind of role in my children’s lives. But I can’t now, because some of you are already gone. Just know that you played it well, and I appreciate every single bit of every single moment that you played these roles in their lives. I appreciate you. I am eternally grateful for having had you both, in my life, and in their lives. You gave so much to all of us. You made our lives better and brighter, and fuller than you will ever know. By sharing your wisdom, you taught them important lessons about life and love. By sharing your time, you gave them the most precious gift one can give a child; the gift of themselves. You gave them a life, well lived; because you gave them love.
To my children,
Never take any relationship in your life for granted. Realize the importance of each role, each person plays in your life, and the lives of your children. Life is precious and fleeting. Live well and love deeply. And, know that, a life with love is a life well lived. So, despite everything, you have been loved and lived well, already. Share that with your children, as they grow. And, allow them to both give, and receive the same love from everyone who gives and receives it as purely and unconditionally as you do to them. And, when you look back on your lives later on, when you are grandparents, yourself, see things as they are; not as you wish to see them. If you’ve made mistakes, fix them. If you’ve hurt someone, apologize. If someone offers a piece of wisdom, listen. If someone offers you their time, allow them to give it to you.
We all make mistakes. We all do our best. Life is hard, and the pain associated with all of life’s hardships is unbearable, at times. But people are put in our paths for a reason. We aren’t meant to take this journey alone. We have family there for us, and our children, for a reason. To walk alongside us and them, on our journeys. Appreciate these people and the relationships in your life. Allow them to be what they are meant to be there for; to help us, to guide us and to love us. There is nothing greater than pure and unconditional love; when you’re blessed enough to receive it, don’t waste a drop of it. Love, like life, is precious and fragile. Don’t ever take it for granted like I did.