Because of You - Letter to my Mother
“I will not make the same mistakes that you did. I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery. I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard. I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far. Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you I am afraid” – Kelly Clarkson, “Because of You”
Dear Mom,
I’ve always had this emptiness inside my heart and soul. I grew up feeling unloved, unwanted and like I wasn’t valued. I saw you make mistakes. I saw you abuse myself and my siblings. I watched you take my father’s side when he made life-altering and criminal mistakes, himself. I never felt like my life mattered to you. I never felt special to you. I never felt close to you. I searched my whole life to find something or someone to fill the giant hole that you left in my heart and in my life. I was always searching for a mother-figure. I found many, but none were ever what I truly needed; because I needed my own mother. I needed you.
I needed you to love me. I needed you to want me in your life. I needed you to make me feel valued. I needed you to be there when I fell; to pick me up and to comfort me. I needed you there; to teach me how to be whatever roles I needed to be in my life; a daughter, a friend, a mother, a woman. I wanted you there for all of my life’s accomplishments; to watch my achievements, to see me graduate, get married, have kids. To help me through my pregnancies. To see me rise above my circumstances and make a success out of my life, despite everything.
I needed you to; dry my tears, ease my suffering, take away my pain.
So, I dried my childrens' tears, eased their suffering and took away their pain.
But you were never there. So, I was there for my children.
You weren’t that role to me. So, I was that role to my children.
It wasn’t your lot in life. My lot in life was Motherhood; and I did it well.
But, despite that it wasn’t your lot. Despite that you weren’t there, and you didn’t play that role for me; that you were never truly my mother, you taught me a lot! Because of you, I was able to become that role to my children. Because of you, I was able to be a loving, nurturing and present mother to my children. Because of you, I knew exactly how to do just that. Because of how you failed me, I made it my life's ambition not to fail my children.
The polar opposite of what you did/didn’t do for me. The polar opposite of what you were/were not to me.
Because of you, and your mistakes, I was able to be and do better for my own kids. And, because of you, I ultimately became that mother that I had been searching for my whole life. I know that this sounds dark. And, that some might read a lot of pain and bitterness in these words, but I mean them. I don’t feel bitter anymore. I feel a deep sense of gratitude for what the experience of having you as a mother has taught me. Of the obstacles, I was able to overcome, because of you. Not because you supported me, or helped me overcome them but because I had to learn to do these things on my own. And, as difficult a lesson as it may have been, beginning life in this way, built a strength and tenacity in me that I would never have had, had you not been who and what you were/weren’t to me.
Because of you and your failings, I knew to strive for better.
Because of you and your losses, I was able to handle grief.
Because of you and your graveyard of dreams, I not only fought to make my dreams come true, but actually achieved almost all of them.
Because of your lack of attention, affection and your inability to show love, I learned how to be okay on my own. It took me many years, many losses and many failed relationships to get there, but I got there and it was even more powerful and beautiful when I did.
Because of you, I have also learned forgiveness; I have learned how to forgive the otherwise, unforgiveable, and love the otherwise, seemingly unlovable And, because of you; and the life that you never lived, the people you never loved and the things you never got to do, I have lived, loved and experienced. And, I have done so for both myself, and for you.
And, despite all of the darkness, pain and suffering, I am grateful for having had you as my mother. Because, despite all of the darkness, pain and suffering, you were special to me even when you failed me. And, you had a great deal more to give than you gave. I saw what that was, and I learned from your good traits, as well, even when you didn't actually mean to share them with me.
Either way, I am grateful that;
Because of you; I exist. You gave me life.
Because of you; I live. You showed me how not to live it.
And, despite everything, I loved you.
Because regardless of how you played the role, you were my mother.
I feel sorry; not sorry for you but just sorry. I feel sorry that you never got the opportunity to live your life the way that you wanted to. I feel sorry that you never got a chance to be close with us; your children. I feel sorry that you never had the chance to be the mother that I now know that you could have been. I feel sorry that I never had a chance to have the mother that you could've been; because knowing how much I am like you, and how passionate I am about motherhood,I now know what you could've been like. Because, like it or not, I’ve come to realize that I'm almost identical to you in so many ways. And, I feel sorry that you never got a chance to be authentically you, and to show the world your truth and light.
That you never got a chance to show the world what was truly inside of you; like I have. That you never got a chance to show the world; your art, and your beauty. Or, that you never got a chance to do all of the wonderful things that you were capable of doing.
I did them; because I am so much like you. I did them, because you couldn’t. I did them because I wanted to show the world what we could both do, when given the chance. I did them, because I knew that you would never get the chance to. Because of your suffering; out of the darkness, I shone a light, on and for, both of us. And, I shone a light for others as a way of showing the world that there is always peace to be found within suffering. Always something good that can come out of all of the bad. And, always light in the darkness.
And, because I watched you suffer. Because I saw your dreams disappear. Because I saw you compromise yourself and your values. Because I saw your losses, your bitterness and pain. Because I watched you lose yourself in the mess and chaos of your life; in your relationships and in your suffering. Because I saw you make life-altering mistakes and lose even more. I found a way of seeing you through my 'mother' eyes, myself. I found a way of having empathizing and having compassion for you and all that you endured. I found a way of recognizing all of the good in you, and seeing through all of the darkness.
Because of you, I learned that there is always light in the darkness somewhere. And, when you can't find it, you have to be it.
Because of you, I learned to be the mother that I always needed, and the light that we both needed. Because of you.