The Art of Relationships - Letters of Gratitude Series
Like most of the rest of the world, 2020 has turned my life upside down. It’s seen me pondering every decision I’ve ever made, and forced me to take a very honest and hard look at my life thus far. It’s got me thinking of things I haven’t thought of, and people I haven’t heard from, in years. It’s made me dig really deep; into the pain, into the joy, into the heartache and tears, and into the love and happiness I’ve experienced. And, although because of all of the loss that I’ve experienced in my 50 years on this planet, I’ve always known how brief and fragile life is for us, it’s also driven home just how precious each and every moment truly is. It’s made me realize my own mortality and question my own humanity, and even though I always seem so strong, it has highlighted the truth of my fragility. And, even after 7 years in solitude and thought; of being single and alone and practicing the ‘Art of Aloneness’, COVID and its resulting lockdown has pushed me deeper into solitude and thought; and forced me to take an even deeper look at myself, my life and all that that entails.
Sorry if this sounds morbid, and don’t worry, I’m not suicidal again, but I’ve also been thinking about death a lot. Not that I want to die yet. Not that I’m afraid of dying as a result of this virus. But the sheer unpredictability of this year so far, and what could and likely will still come to pass, has me making preparations for my inevitable demise (whenever that may be). It has me completing tasks like; working on my will, sharing passwords and what my final wishes are, with my kids. It has me going through my belongings, downsizing and reminiscing. And, I find myself recalling my life from a perspective of all of the relationships that I’ve had.
Odd thing to focus on for the author of a blog named, “Art of Aloneness”, it would seem. But not really odd at all; on the contrary, in fact. The blog is named as such, as an illustration of the need for solitude, in order for us to work through some of life’s toughest challenges. The need for our quiet spot, in which to sit in prayer and meditation (or whatever your faith calls the same act of stillness and mindfulness). It is named as such because of my 7-year journey; from chaos to calm, from panic to patience and from fear to faith. It is aptly named because of my many years of troubled relationships and broken love templates. Beginning with my first, and most convoluted and difficult relationships of all; with my parents. Relationships that are designed to form our relationship templates; that ultimately determine how we will interact with others in our lives, in our relationships with them. Ones that, for me, were what created my path to further dysfunctional relationships, and the inevitable ensuing loneliness that lasted throughout most of my life, as a result. Aptly named, for my search for love and a search for ‘home’, that ultimately took me right back to where it all began, in the first place.
And, after 7 years of solitude and thought; after 7 years of introspection and meditation, I finally found that place of stillness and peace; that place where loneliness no longer existed, and where I didn’t need to seek others’ love, attention, affection or approval any longer. Where I felt secure and safe, and at home, in my own skin; without someone else in my life to help me see my worth or make me feel like I belonged. A place where, my faith was sufficient for peace and for understanding; and where I felt loved, without having to lean on my relationships for that kind of comfort and approval any longer. And then COVID happened.
Even with the absolute uncertainty of life, love and mere existence that 2020 has caused globally, I still have that feeling of peace, joy, comfort and love in my life now. In part, because I took that 7 years alone, before this all happened. And, that helped me to deal with the isolation and lack of connectedness that the lockdown caused for everyone. But also, because the isolation resulting from the pandemic forced me to look even harder and dig even deeper. And, it has been in the looking and digging that I finally discovered how little I truly need. Where I found myself grateful for all that I have had and have, instead of being ungrateful for all that I missed or am missing. I discovered reasons for gratitude in everything; reasons to be grateful for the relationships in my life, the experiences I’ve had, and even in the losses I have suffered. The light inside of all of the darkness, if you will. And, this renewed sense of gratitude that I felt/feel, as a result of a sense of impending doom, has me looking at life completely differently; with a new and more positive filter. It has me looking at my relationships with a deeper understanding of both, the person I was, and the people that I was in a relationship with, at the time were, as well. It has me looking at aspects of each relationship from different perspective; about what I learned, how it changed me, how it challenged me, the joy I felt and how different I would be had I not experienced it.
Inside my solitude, I not only discovered the’ Art of Aloneness’, but also the ‘Art of Relationships’; being that we can literally choose what we make of each relationship. What we take from it. What we learn from it. And how we can find gratitude in having had experienced it; regardless of what it looked like when we were in it, or what feelings it elicited when it ended.
If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that life, itself is an art. And, we are the artists. We can choose to paint it all black and be bitter that we don’t have the right art supplies to make it beautiful, or we can choose to make something beautiful out of nothing. We can choose to find that proverbial light, inside the darkness, or we can sit in the darkness and dwell there. I choose light. I choose gratitude. I choose art.
With that in mind, I’ve begun a series of letters that I will share with you here, over time. Letters of love and gratitude to each person, with whom I have had some kind of relationship with throughout my life; parents, children, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, foes, lovers, and more. Each letter, explaining our relationship and; what it meant to me, what it taught me and how it changed me, and my life. There is no order to the letters. I am writing them, as I think of them. And, I will share them with you, here, as they come.
In the meantime, I leave you with one of my favourite quotes; by my favourite artist, Leonardo da Vinci ,“A painter should begin every canvas with a wash of black, because all things in nature are dark except where exposed by the light.”
And soon, I’ll spread some light, as well. Stay tuned…