Who Can Say Where the Road Goes, Only Time
"Who can say where the road goes Where the day flows, only time". - "Only Time", Enya
Someone mentioned the other day, that what they are going through right now, because of the pandemic and the isolation, feels like it did when they lost their mother. And, I told her, that is because she is grieving; we all are. Except, instead of grieving the loss of a loved one, we are grieving the loss of our way of life. We’re in the fight of our lives, to save the human race. And, even when we win this battle, that way of life may be forever lost. We may not go back to the way things were before. In some ways, that is a tragedy, but in others; it’s actually a good thing – but that’s another blog.
Either way, we are grieving. And because we are grieving, we should have an idea of what that looks like.
There are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages are not linear however; so, despite that the cycle begins with denial, we can cycle through all stages. Sometimes, repeatedly, and sometimes, simultaneously. But that’s completely normal and it’s okay to feel the emotions associated with each stage, at different times and in different ways. But in order to do that, we first need to know what these stages are and look like.
Denial – The first stage of grief is Denial. In this stage, it’s common for people to refuse to believe that whatever is happening, is actually happening, or has happened to them. We saw this with this pandemic; even I was guilty of doing the same thing. We saw the denial stage of this, where people were downplaying the seriousness of the situation; it’s not that bad, it’s just a flu, we’ll be fine, it won’t affect us. Not knowing whether or not they should stay home, and thinking that they'd be alright. Not worried about themselves but not realizing and refusing to understand, that it wasn't about them.
Many of us continued life as normal, without really listening to what the ‘experts’ were saying, initially. Because we were in denial. Nothing of this nature or magnitude had ever happened, in our lifetimes; not on this scale. Not globally. We didn’t want to believe that it could, let alone that it already had. This is normal. Denial has no timeline; and, in this situation, neither does this pandemic. We don’t have a timeline for this to be over. We don’t know when things will go back to normal; if ever. Our lives have been seriously uprooted and we don’t see an end in sight.
Denial can continue throughout all of the other stages, particularly when the loss involves lives being so greatly and adversely affected, like this. So, we remain in denial; or in hope. Hope is healthier, but we still have to feel the emotions associated with denial and process them. We still have to go through that stage. But when we recognize this is where we are at, we need to hold on for hope. Faith over fear, patience over panic and calm over chaos.
Anger – The second stage of grief is Anger. We are all upset that this is happening and angry that it has caused everyone so much harm, and on so many levels. People’s lives are in complete disarray and will be forever changed, as a result. The potential for loss; lives, health, relationships, jobs, investments, homes, vehicles, businesses, etc. is too grand to fathom. Trying to understand it and put it in perspective is too big. It’s easier to just be angry. To feel the emotion, rather than try to process the outcome; trying to face the consequences of these losses. We become angry at the disease and ourselves for not taking it seriously. Yet, we direct our anger anywhere and everywhere else but at ourselves, and the circumstances; at the country where it originated, and the people who didn’t immediately self-isolate or quarantine, at governments for not being strict enough, at people hoarding essentials, and the list goes on. We direct our anger anywhere but where it should be directed. But this is normal too.
Bargaining – The third stage of grief is Bargaining. This is where those grieving; in this case, the whole world, begin to reach out to God and the universe. Trying to make deals; if I start living better, if we go back to simpler times, if we’re nicer to one another and to the planet, as a whole, can you make this stop? We’ve learned our lesson, please make it stop. I’ll be better, I’ll go to church more, I’ll stop living so selfishly. Whatever the promises; we’re all making them. We’re all begging for this to stop, and for life to go back to how it was before all of this. But no amount of bargaining is going to put an end to the suffering. Unfortunately, we need to find a way of adapting and overcoming. In my case, it’s my faith.
We all need to have faith; whether that is in God, or in the idea that this will eventually end. And, that despite whether or not things change, we will adapt to the changes and find a way through to a new and fulfilling life and society either way. Human beings are resilient. We've been adapting to a variety of circumstances for thousands of years. We will overcome. Only time will tell what that looks like.
Depression – The fourth stage of grief is Depression. Not, clinical depression but episodic, or situational, versus chronic. Despite the fact that we think our initial reaction to loss is depression, it’s not, it’s shock. The ensuing depression may take some time to develop. Usually appearing once, the finality and or the seriousness of the loss and its consequences are realized. In this case, the depression takes the form of loneliness, isolation, and fear. Loneliness because we are all forced to distance ourselves, socially so our normal support systems are no longer there for us to fall back on.
Isolation has become our reality, and we have difficulty adjusting; particularly those of us who are social, to begin with. I’m okay with it but, as you can see from the title of this blog, I’ve had some experience with being alone. But it’s taken me seven years of being alone, to learn how to be happy and at peace alone. I’ve learned to deal with the quiet, and turned isolation into solitude, and quiet into peace. Many people aren’t used to being quiet, being still and being alone. They don’t like the stillness and quiet, because it leaves them alone with their thoughts, and makes them face things; makes them face themselves. It makes them face all of the things that they have been hiding from, by keeping busy and surrounding themselves with life’s noise.
I’ve been through this, and it’s not pretty. And, anyone going through other trials, and/or with a pre-existing mental health or addiction issues of some sort, suddenly finding themselves isolated and unable to get the support they need, will experience exacerbated symptoms. Clinical depression is a possible outcome; or worse. This is a scary stage to be at, when forced to be isolated. That is why it’s so important to connect on some level, with others. Whether it’s telephone counselling sessions, or simply reaching out to friends.
Connection is the key, throughout any loss, to getting through this stage. And, connection is more difficult, since we cannot see one another in person. However, this does force us to make a more concerted effort to connect, in the first place; work on family relationships and friendships, marriages, and other relationships in our lives. And that’s not a bad thing.
Acceptance – The fifth and final stage of grief is Acceptance. Where we see the grieving, person realize that life will never go back to where it was before but that they will still be okay. And when acceptance happens it's the; I accept this, I know things are going to change, I know things needed to be changed, and I’m oddly okay with that. The; I’m going to behave better, I'm no longer going take things for granted, or take people for granted, I’m not going to ignore the planet, or ignore relationships, not going to isolate myself anymore. Where we say; I’m going to be excited to be able to connect with other human beings, I'm not going to cancel plans, I'm going to look for God in every aspect of my life, I'm going to go to church, I'm going to do the things that I'm supposed to do or that I feel that I'm supposed to do, to be a better human being. Where we say these things; because we accept our circumstances, and we sincerely feel and mean them.
Things like; I'm going to accept that this happened and accept that I have to grow from it and change from it and, let you know that I now understand everyone else who's been through difficulties, better now. And now, I’ll be more patient, understanding, empathetic and compassionate, with others, as a result. And, I will make my footprint on this planet; softer, gentler and more loving.
This isn’t healing; healing begins after acceptance. Healing is when we all begin to implement these changes that we promised that we would implement; while we were bargaining, and after we reached the acceptance stage. In the meantime, while you are going through these stages, throughout this strange and difficult time, remember that; these stages are universal. Everyone will go through them and everyone will be experiencing the emotions associated with each stage. That, they are normal emotions for people to feel, throughout times like this. Understand that you’re not alone, in this. We, as counsellors often express this concept, to those going through difficulty; because it provides people some comfort to know that they are not the only ones going through what they’re going through. In this particular scenario, it’s truer than ever before. This is global.
There is not a single human being on the planet, unaffected by this. Let yourself sit with that for a while. There are people who, have never been through difficult things; not many because everyone has a story to tell, and more often than not, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. But even those people, are now experiencing this pandemic, and they’re feeling the loss of normalcy, as well. They’re experiencing the same emotions. Understand that, and let yourself feel these emotions, as well. Also, know that, as I said earlier, these stages are not linear. That you will cycle through these stages and their accompanying emotions; and that is okay. Each stage has its purpose and each stage is necessary. And, the only thing that is going to get us through all of this is Faith. In God, and in humanity. And, time.
Time will see us through this. Time to fight. Time to win the battle. Time to process everything and time to rebuild from what remains. And, time to heal, after we’re through this trial.