"They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some. And right now, right now I'm losing bad. I've stood on this stage night after night, reminding the broken it'll be alright. But right now, oh right now I just can't. It's easy to sing, when there's nothing to bring me down. But what will I say, when I'm held to the flame like I am right now" - Mercy me, “Even If”
I’ve been trying to write for nearly a week now but have been blocked; because, “right now, I just can’t”. It’s easy to write, “when there’s nothing to bring me down”, but that’s just not the case right now. Despite my faith, despite my chronic positivity and my normal ability to see the good and beautiful in everything, I’m not there; not right now. It’s been a hard week. And it’s been a test of my faith, and of that chronic positivity. It’s been a test of everything, otherwise good and beautiful in my life; a test of my resolve. A test of my faith in everything and everyone, actually. It’s been a hard week, because I’ve been trying to write a narrative about a few of my traumatic experiences. And, I’ve been reliving these events because of it.
I’ve been trying to write a narrative, as part of a settlement process for a class-action suit that I’m a plaintiff in, and this week has been very dark, as a result. The stress from which, has manifested itself in me as; aches and pains, disturbed sleep, troubled dreams, self-isolation, and rotating bouts of anxiety and depressive episodes. In other words, I’ve been taken right back where I was when all of these things were first happening; and albeit temporary, it feels almost as horrible as it did then. It’s made me realize a few things; the greatest revelation being, that healing cannot happen when we dwell in the past.
That, dwelling forces us to re-visit and re-live the traumas and chaos of our past. Dwelling, re-visiting and re-living causes all of the negative emotional responses that we lived through, throughout these experiences, and often derails our progress. The other being, the sheer importance of living in and for the moment. That healing exists by living in and finding beauty within each moment that we are lucky enough to be granted. That we cannot live in the past, without depression and sadness; sadness when thinking about the difficulties that we experienced, and at missing the blessings that we once had, but no longer have in our lives. We cannot live in the future either; because when we do, we worry. We worry about what the future looks like, and; instead of having hope for the future, we often focus and dwell on the areas in which we’ve had troubles before.
Having hope for our future usually comes when we learn to live in the moment; when we learn not to dwell. Peace comes in these moments, when we learn not to dwell, either in the past or in the future. With peace, comes a cessation of the somatic emotional responses; like the aches and pains and worsening of chronic illness or pain. By living in the moment, whatever ailments we have; mental or physical health-related ailments, can be managed better. It makes the body, mind and spirit connection obvious. The necessity to nurture all three aspects of our being; because of how one affects the other.
I’ve been trying to do that, throughout this experience. I’ve been trying to nurture body; by eating right, getting sleep and dealing with my injuries and chronic pain, as best as possible. Resting when I need to, and not overdoing it. But I’ve not succeeded. My mental state affected my physical state, when I got frustrated and tried to “power through” again, one day. This put me on the couch for an entire 24-hour period, again; like when the injuries first happened. The physical stress, exacerbated the psychological stress, and disturbed my sleep. Which exacerbated the psychological. I’ve also tried to meditate through it, but just can’t, right now. The pain affected my focus, and my mood. My focus and mood, threw off my usual ability to achieve stillness and quiet that I needed to meditate; which stressed me out more. Which caused more pain; which created an imbalance in my entire being. And, the never ceasing cycle of ‘un-wellness’ continued for days.
Mercy Me says it best, in their song, "Even If", “It's easy to sing, when there's nothing to bring me down. But what will I say. When I'm held to the flame. Like I am right now”. And, this resonates more than I can ever explain. After having just gone through days and days of trying to write; to feel good, to inspire, to vent. It’s easy to write when I’m feeling okay; when things are clear. It’s easy for me to write from a place of healing. But this sorrow and hurt, that’s been brought back to the surface through re-visiting these traumas, and temporarily seeing me live in the past, has blocked my writing. It’s taken me from mindfulness; living in the moment, seeing the beauty in the little things and practicing gratitude, right back to this anger, sorrow, pain, grief and bitterness. It’s taken someone who is healing and re-injured them; pumped poison back into their life. But at the same time; it’s driven home the importance of these things. It’s revealed that I’ve healed a great deal more than I realized.
It’s revealed HOW I’ve healed, and how I can get back to where I was the week before I started working on this narrative. It’s driven home the importance of living in the moment. It’s driven home the absolute necessity of gratitude; for everyone and everything I have that is good in my life, and for the gift of living and breathing another day. It’s also showed me that, “even if”, things like this happen, I have a way out of the difficulties. That, “even if”, it impacts me like this again, there is an end to the suffering. And that, “even if”, I don’t see that end clearly, or cannot find the strength to drag myself out of the pit when I fall in like this again, that there is always going to be hope. That there will always be something and someone to pull me back out. What has acted as a test of my faith, has simply served as a confirmation that I’m on the right track, and as a way of strengthening my resolve. So, that, “even if”, I can’t see it, I now know that there will always be a way out of the darkness; "even if"...