My Song - Parts Written, and Parts Unwritten
“My gift is my song, and this one’s for you” – Elton John, “Your Song”
I’ve just spent yesterday, creating a playlist on Spotify, with the songs I’ve used in my blog posts. A playlist that tells the story of the last several years of my life; and follows the stories written throughout the past year, or so. I’d originally created this playlist to listen to while driving, yesterday and ended up going on a journey in my mind throughout the drive, because of it. Beginning with, “Love Song”, by the Cure. The original title of what was going to be the book of me, telling the story of how I learned to love myself; by being alone for many years. Telling the story of what I set out to do, by being alone; fall in love, have a healthy relationship and build a healthy life. I did this; with myself. The rest of the songs, tell this story; illustrate the remaining miles in this journey of mine. Each one, a small piece of the puzzle of me, and my life. All told through lyrics I didn’t write, and music I didn’t play, but telling my story almost as well as I could, myself. Each song; my song.
Everyone who knows me well, knows how much music means to me. It is why I use a song in each of my blog posts; art imitates art, and music is, and has always been, my greatest inspiration. It’s why, even when I was barely functioning as a human being; after trauma, loss, divorce, suicide attempts, compassion fatigue and compound injuries. Even when I suffered such severe social anxiety, I could barely leave my house to walk my dog, I still made it out to small venue, music shows and concerts. It’s why, after I had lost the camaraderie of my ‘brothers and sisters’ in blue and green; the aftermath of reporting what had happened to me at work, I found new camaraderie. I found a new tribe; brothers and sisters through music. Both they, and the music we shared together; some who played, some sang, and some, just listened but all, shared the beauty and magic of the music, itself. In doing so, all shared a connection strung together by guitar strings. An impenetrable community of inspired connection; with a soundtrack. Much like the soundtrack I’d made yesterday, to go along with my blog; to sing the song of my life.
Everyone who knows me, also knows how certain songs have; inspired me, some have inspired my art, some have kept me going in times of struggle, some have pushed me further than I ever thought I could go, and some, some have even saved my life. One such song, “Unwritten”, by Natasha Bedingfield, saw me through literally, a decade of challenge and change. Which, is actually quite beautifully ironic, considering the theme of this song being, that the future is unwritten. It became my song. I began my fitness journey to it; at 30+. I listened to it while I ran, while I worked out at the gym, and while I did any kind of physical exercise. In fact, when I had a particularly trying workout, I would put it on repeat. I listened to it, to psyche myself up to apply for college; at 38 years old. I listened to it when studying for exams, or doing difficult projects. I listened to it to psyche myself up for my valedictory address on graduation day. I listened to it every time I had an argument with my husband, and listened to it again when he and I split up. I listened to it, when I was in military training, and didn’t think I could keep going. When things got harder than I could have ever imagined them getting. And, I listened to it with every change that resulted from all of these decisions, and their resulting consequences. I put thousands of miles, on hundreds of roads, while listening to this song; both running them, and driving on them. All the while, being inspired by a song that suggested that my future was unwritten, and that my life was still worth fighting for. All the while, the artist and writer in me; the creative in me, wondering if the singer, songwriter, Natasha Bedingfiled, had any idea how her art had touched, inspired and lifted up some random girl. If she knew how greatly she had affected a life; my life, with a song.
Last night, while posting excerpts from my past few blogs on Instagram, I posted the one I had written that was inspired by her song, called, “Unwritten”. A homage to her song, titled the same. And, I got a nice surprise immediately after posting it; the artist, herself liked it. Now, I don’t normally go all, ‘fan girl’, when things like this happen. I mean, I’ve met hundreds of celebrities thorough the years; doing security for some, attending functions along-side others, and being friends with a few, as well, I’m usually happy to chat with the ones, whose art I enjoy and not bothered either way by the others. In fact, back in October, I was volunteering with a convention in North Carolina, surrounded by actors who had played characters in a television show that inspired a great deal of my art. Most of the staff and volunteers there were of the same mindset as I normally am; they’re just people. Some really talented and some rather famous people, but just people. Which is why, it was surprising to see one of the female staff members at this convention go all, ‘fan girl’ about a female soccer player, who happened to be at the same hotel as the convention was being held. Every time she saw her, she would do a little happy dance, and talk about how she hoped to get a picture with her.
Here she is, surrounded by famous actors, and she’s getting excited about a soccer player. The thing is, this soccer player had inspired this girl. She had been a role model for this girl, as she grew up, and had given her something to aspire to. Someone asked me if there were any celebrities that, I would react the same way to, if I met them. At first, I said no. But then, I realized, like this girl, I do have a few. A few who had inspired me. A few that I looked up to. And, a few who had unknowingly made a difference in my life; some when I was a small girl, and some, as I battled some of life’s greatest challenges. One was Lynda Carter, the original Wonder Woman, and the other was this singer/songwriter, Natasha Bedingfield. This girl was doing the, ‘fan girl’, because this soccer player was both, her Wonder Woman and her Natasha Bedingfield.
Last night, after posting this blog excerpt and after having her like it, I have to admit, I went a little, ‘fan girl’, myself. The same way this girl had done over the soccer player, last October. Because this woman, had inspired a kind of strength and tenacity in me, that I needed to make it through some of life’s toughest challenges. She had unknowingly brought out that Wonder Woman in me, that I needed to get through these things. Her art had reached me, each time I needed it the most, and touched the tenacity inside my spirit. She had, pushed me through and helped me lift myself up, and fight through. She illustrated the power of art; to inspire, to lift spirits, to give strength, and to help someone carry on in the face of adversity. All this to say, that her gift was her song, and this one’s for me. For me, to make me see that, no matter what obstacles I might be facing, that; just as my book is unwritten, so is it’s ending. There is always hope, and even when the story of your past is full of trials and tribulations, the future is unwritten. Your story untold. Your song, unwritten.