Body, Mind and Spirit
I’ve been struggling hard these past few weeks and I am beginning to feel like it’s some kind of test. Normally, when I go through trials and tribulations such as these, I lose my faith and ultimately end up stressing and over-analyzing, in its place. In the past, despite that I would always tell others not to do the same, I’d go dark and start feeling sorry for myself. I’d start feeling; even though I’d been through these kinds of trials before, and should know better how to prevent them, like I’d failed to prevent them from happening again. Not realizing that, I actually didn’t have any control over situations like these, sometimes. In the past, I would crawl into a dark hole and not come out for days or even weeks; or until the troubles were over. I usually failed to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or an end to my difficulties. I certainly didn’t see the lesson in it all; not until it was over and I was okay and stable again.
This time, I’m staying faithful and trusting that there is a reason for these things happening in my life again. A reason; that I’m having difficulties with certain people, that I’m struggling to make ends meet, that I’m going without some things and making due with what I have. A reason; for me to be grateful for what I have and, to see the sheer and utter unimportance of material things. A lesson in not taking things or people for granted; and for feeling complete gratitude for everyone I have, who loves me for exactly who I am. A lesson in the magnitude of each and every moment, the importance of seeing things as they truly are, and not as I wish they were. In making everything count for something; every second of every moment, every dollar and cent that passes through my fingers, every resource available to me, and every person, place and thing that I am lucky enough to have/meet/experience moments with. It is also teaching me the most important lesson of all; about faith.
Awhile back, someone asked me what had changed in me, and about me. They could see the change in me, and were intrigued by where that change had come from. They had been trying to make changes in their life, as well, and it was slow going for them. Going to the gym, eating better, drinking less, volunteering, taking on new hobbies, nurturing relationships, etc. but still not seeing big changes in their life, other than more energy and less fatigue. They were still not happy, still not grateful for the things they were given, or the people they had in their lives. They still didn’t feel good about themselves; were still battling depression and still having long periods of self-absorption. Still not showing gratitude to those who helped them, or brought something good to their lives. So, when they saw this change in me, they wanted what I had. They wanted it as seemingly quickly as I had, as well. The problem being, they didn’t want to do the same work to have it.
They were seeing life as a two-part journey; of the body and of the mind. The problem with that, is that we are more than that. There are actually three pieces of our being that need nurturing; body, mind and spirit. The difference in me wasn’t from doing the things that they were doing to ‘feel’ better; I’d done all of those things before and, although they were helping with my body, and mind, they weren’t changing or effecting my spirit. Over the years, I had changed my diet, exercised more, hydrated properly, worked on better sleep patterns, and taken all steps I could to ‘feel’ better, physically. I had also worked hard on my mind; through neuro feedback, counselling, meditation, and everything else I could do, to ‘feel’ better, psychologically. But it was never enough and it was never lasting. I needed more. I needed to work on my ‘whole’ self. Instead of ‘feeling’ better, I needed to ‘be’ better.
I’d had a chance to make this change before. I’d been offered grace by being given blessings that enabled me to make life more bearable. I’d been offered an opportunity to see them as such, and use these blessings wisely. Instead, I’d made a series of bad decisions, and not seen them for what they were; not seen these blessings as blessings, but as what I ‘deserved’ for having weathered the storms before. What I deserved for being a good human; for serving my country and my community, and having been broken by the institution I served. I felt I ‘deserved’ these things, because I’d given everything I had; or so I thought. So, I took them for granted, and nearly lost them, in the process.
What had changed in me, was my ability to see this; to see what I had, and to stop taking it all for granted. What changed in me, was my sense of gratitude for these things, and the people in my life. The ability to see my blessings for what they are and to be thankful to the force that allowed them in my life, in the first place. What had changed in me, was that I was finally able to recognize the importance of that third piece of my being, one that I’d tried to nurture, but that always took the back seat in times of trouble and strife; oddly enough, since it was actually the piece I needed the most throughout tribulations. But, for a time, I couldn’t see that. For a time, I was happy in my blissful ignorance about the importance of this piece of me. For a time, I achieved happiness in the same way that this person was trying to; by looking outward, seeking pleasure and comfort in people, places and things. Instead of looking inward. Instead of seeking spiritual fullness.
What had changed in me, was that I had finally found that balance. I had finally found my faith, once again; this time, with a clearer vision than I’d ever had. I had always had what I thought was faith, but never really nurtured this side of me properly. I had, like so many others, done my ‘due diligence’, by living in such a way that I thought was pleasing to God, and the universe. In a way that I thought would find me favour; by living a life of charity, volunteerism, service to others, and through love. Trying to ‘buy my way’ into heaven, for lack of a better term. I thought, that by doing my piece, that this was enough. I didn’t feel I needed to do, know or learn anything more than that. I was living life as a good person, wasn’t that enough? But I was a broken worshipper. I needed to find a way to live my life with faith, hope and love, in its purest form; and I did, through humility.
This time, my trials and tribulations; this painful time and period of troubles in my life, exists to show me that I cannot fix my life through efforts of the flesh, alone. That I need to see the importance of body, mind AND spirit. To drive this lesson home for me. To demonstrate not only the importance of nurturing my spiritual side, and of living life with faith, hope and love, but also to help me learn to trust. To trust the inner voice that says things will work out; and that will eventually explain how. To become a focused and passionate worshipper; to thirst for spiritual fullness, and give of my entire being. Instead of just giving of myself to others, in a way that I think is enough. To serve a higher purpose other than that of living, strictly for myself. To help others and serve them rightly this time; through love, versus for compensation or reward. To ease the suffering of others, in a broken world full of suffering and despair. To earnestly seek water, in an otherwise parched land, where there is no water. To be fully satisfied and grateful with the blessings that I am given, and to see them, as such.
To see life, rightly; through the eyes that see only beauty and light. To speak rightly; with lips that speak only love. And, to hear rightly; with ears that hear only truth. And to use this sight, hearing and other gifts and blessings I am lucky enough to have, to help others, instead of greedily keeping them all to myself. And most importantly, to learn not to lose this faith when things get hard, and when I go through trials and tribulations such as these. To trust that everything is as it should be, and that I will make it through by Grace, if I trust. And, that I am; different now, and that's a very good thing!