God Shaped Hole
If you’ve ever watched the Jim Carrey movie, “Bruce Almighty”, you will have heard the song, “God Shaped Hole”, by Plumb; where the singer suggests, “there’s a God-shaped hole in all of us.”. Also, if you’ve watched Bruce Almighty, you’ve seen the character, Bruce, struggle and blame his struggles on God. Suggesting that God has rebuked him or abandoned him because he’s not got the job he wants or the house, or car he thinks he needs, to be happy. Partly because he has put too much onus on the material element of his life and partly because he has forgotten what matters; balance. My favourite part of this particular movie, is when Bruce is begging for a sign from God. A truck full of signs pulls out in front of him, and instead of taking it for what it is; in this case, an answer to his prayers, he gets frustrated that the truck is blocking him and tries to go around it. When he goes around it, he ends up getting into a collision; for which, he also blames God. Just as he blames everyone but himself for the apparent ‘problems’ in his life.
I've been guilty of this in the past. In fact, while I was writing this yesterday, I had constant interuption and distraction and got frustrated. Then, when I tried to publish it on here, it wouldn't publish. Again, I got frustrated. I finally got it to publish, using two separate text boxes but then, when I went to post to my Facebook page, it wouldn't post. Again, I got frustrated. This time, losing my temper and blaming something other than myself, and something other than a bad internet connection for these issues. I literally had a truck full of signs in front of me and there I was, trying to go around them. It was like "God" or the universe was trying to point out that there was something wrong about what I was trying to post. That it was hypocritical. And, so, pointed out that I was a hypocrite by way of my meltdown about it not posting.
Have you ever done this? Have you ever hung onto something even when all signs pointed for you not to? Have you ever refused to listen to that inner voice inside you?
Have you ever had a relationship that you kept returning to; even if it was toxic, because you didn’t have something to replace it with? Or, you didn’t know what to replace it with? Have you ever had issues with someone you loved but not known how to fix them? Did you abandon the relationship and try to find love or companionship, elsewhere? Did walking away and, in turn, leave a hole in your heart and life? Have you ever felt abandoned, betrayed or left alone; and had that feeling leave a hole in your heart, as well? What happened when this happened? Did you stay and try to work it out, or did you walk away? What did you fill this hole with if and when you did leave?
Did you fill it with spirituality; things of love and faith and hope? Or did you fill it with distractions; material things, events and experiences, travel and entertainment? If you filled it with these things; of a material nature, and with a price tag, what happened when the money ran out? What happened when the vacation ended? When the quiet set in again? Were you grateful for the experiences, or did they leave you wanting more? Were you happy with what you still had; did you feel grateful for what you had left, after all was said and done? Or did it leave you feeling empty, ungrateful, lost and bored?
Have you ever been on a health journey; where you were committed to making your physical body stronger, more fit and healthier? What happened when you had some success, in doing so? Were you happy with the results and willing to maintain what you had, through hard work and self-control, or did you back slide? Why did you back slide, if you did? Was it because you had plateaued and were now bored, or unwilling to change it up, to keep fighting through it; fighting for your health? Did you lose hope when you looked in the mirror and still saw flaws? Did you begin to focus on those flaws vs, on the positive changes and progress you had made? Instead of focusing on how much weight you had lost, how much healthier you felt, how much more energy you had, or all of the good things that you had done to better yourself; your physical self, did you focus on what you hadn’t changed?
When you had thoughts like this, what did you do? When you saw this hole in your life again, what did you fill it with?
Have you ever been on a mental health journey; where you’ve committed to making your brain healthier? Making your psyche a friendlier place; for you and for others. Where you have worked hard at not thinking the negative thoughts, or not using the substances that harm you. At not feeling shame over something you had no control over; not feeling shame, at all. Where you spent countless hours, days, months, years, trying to process and feel emotions; instead of ignoring them, burying them or, feeling anxiety or depression, in their place. Where you have committed to living in the present and taking each moment as a new opportunity to feel better and live better. What happened when you had a bad day? Did you think of it as a lapse or a complete relapse? Did you give up because you felt shame and guilt? Were you able to see that it was just a bump in your road? Or did you treat it like a cataclysmic event that completely derailed your progress?
Have you ever said, “I would never”; take another drink, smoke another cigarette, focus on what I don’t have, feel ungrateful, take someone or something important in your life for granted? Have you ever; taken another drink, smoked another cigarette, focused on what you didn’t have, felt ungrateful, taken someone or something important in your life for granted? Have you ever felt guilt and shame for having done what you said you would never do? Or did you congratulate yourself for having tried and keep moving forward?
What would motivate you to move forward?
I’ve always wondered what motivated others to do or not do certain things. I’ve always wondered why people, in general, are so hard on themselves and so bad at focusing on the right things; the things that matter. I’ve spent years studying human behaviour; at work, in life and in school. I’ve only recently, realized how, despite how much more together some of us may seem, at times; we’re all just human beings, struggling in one way or another. We all have that element of hypocrisy in us, like I mentioned earlier. Like I did yesterday.
We’re all missing something and trying to fill some kind of hole in our lives. I’ve often wondered why we spend so much time and effort focusing on our body and mind, but not on the spiritual side of our lives; not allowing balance to exist between the three. I’ve often wondered if there is anyone out there, who feels fulfilled, without this balance. And, what that really looks like.
I’ve often wondered why we fill the holes in our lives with things of impermanence; things that will eventually pass away or deteriorate. Why do we try to fill in the gaps or use bandaids to ease our pain, instead of seeking a cure? Why do we default to using things that will corrode, instead of something more impenetrable; like faith, love and hope.
Maybe it feels easier, to work on our physical strength and endurance, rather than, to build our spiritual muscles. We know what to do to for our bodies; to strengthen them and shape them as we want them to be. To feed them right, rest as needed and hydrate them. The same goes with our minds. Except in place of; exercise, nutrition, stretching and rest, it's counselling, medication, meditation, and brain training.
The thing is, I never found it easier; it was always harder. It was harder, for me, anyway because with every success I had, I was left wanting more. With every positive experience, I was left feeling worse about the negatives. Every time I saw progress, I was left believing I deserved more; better. If I worked too much on one element of myself and my life, however; if I ignored the need for balance, I was left with a hole. A hole that I could never completely fill; a God shaped hole - or faith shaped hole.
We tend to think we can do it alone; I know I was guilty of this for a time. That we don’t need to nurture that side of ourselves. Some of us don’t even believe that side of us exists. Those with faith, are scorned for believing that there is more to life than good food, good friends, good art, good sex and other good ‘distractions’. We’re called, “religious”, if we admit we have faith in something larger than ourselves; and then get ignored from thereon in. Personally, though, I would rather believe in God, and be wrong; than not believe, and be wrong, in the end.
I am not religious; however, I do have faith. And, like a good friend of mine always says, and with which I agree; Faith, is a combination of belief and trust. Belief in something bigger than me, and trust that this ‘something’ has my back. I didn’t always trust. I didn't always understand what faith really was, despite feeling called; partly because I didn’t truly know who it was that was calling me, in the first place. That left a hole in my heart and life. I tried filling the hole in my heart with people, places and things, as well. People, who no fault of their own, couldn’t fill that hole for me. Not because they weren’t enough; because love of the kind that I needed was never going to be as pure as I needed coming from them.
I also tried filling it with things; things, that ultimately ended up making me feel emptier. Things that I wasted money on, and felt badly for having done so. Because, I could have been sharing that money with those less fortunate than I at the time; or could have saved for a rainy day, like today.
I filled this hole with travel. Places that I travelled to; that made me sad to leave, left another hole in my heart when I left them. Places that I still long to return to. I’m not saying that these people, places and things didn’t also bring me joy; on the contrary, they were beautiful experiences that brought me momentary happiness and with them, some wonderful memories of those moments. However, they were all impermanent. Meaning, the happiness they provided was also impermanent; temporary and fleeting.
I know I’ve said, life is just a series of moments; precariously tied together that make up our lives. That, this moment, is truly all that exists. It’s true, but you also have balance in your life to be able to live life moment to moment like this. To live within the moment, and find peace and joy in that moment; without the depression associated with dwelling on the experiences, traumas and losses from the past. And, without the anxiety of worrying about the future. You have to have something that you have faith in; a belief in a possibility that things will work out – whether by chance or by divine intervention, or that you can make it happen somehow. And, a trust in whomever, or whatever will make this happen in your life. Without which, I felt lost.
What I didn’t realize, is that the reason I felt lost, was because I was trying to fill a spiritual hole in my life and heart, with material things. And, that it had the same effect on me, as drinking water and chewing gum when I'm hungry does. It satiates my pangs for a bit, but never fills me, completely. It can make me feel like I'm not famished, for a short while but that doesn’t last, And, it doesn’t do anything for me, nutritionally. It certainly won’t prevent me from starving to death, if I don't eventually eat something nutritional and with some substance.
As is the same with living fully in the ‘physical’ element of life. At least with mine, anyway. I’ve always needed the spiritual side of me to grow; I’ve always defaulted to that side of me when things got darkest in my life. But I’ve not always fed it properly; until recently. I had belief, but not trust. So, I thanked God for my blessings but got angry and blamed God, when I was lost in the wilderness. Like Bruce, in the aforementioned film, I didn't know how to listen to that inner voice trying to give me a proverbial sign. I fed my spirit with junk, and did whatever I felt was good for me. I was never fully nourished; I was never full. Nothing in the outer world could give me what I needed to, inwardly, permanently satiate that pang inside me. Nothing else ever could.