Not Your Fault, but Mine
"Weep for yourself, my man, You'll never be what is in your heart Weep, little lion man, You're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself. Take all the courage you have left. And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I...?" - Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons
I’ve been doing really well these days. I’ve, let go of the things that were weighing me down; not that all of my troubles have suddenly disappeared but that I’ve changed my priorities and my perspective, where these troubles are concerned. I fixed my focus, and have been able to see myself and the world around me, rightly. I have been practicing forgiveness and spreading love and light, instead of holding onto anger or resentment for those who have hurt or done damage to me, in the past. I’ve let go of the people, things and behaviours that were causing me pain, and in doing so, made room for those who bring peace, light and love to me, as well. I’ve realized the power in telling my story; for everyone who shares their story, as well. How freeing it can be even to simply write it down. I’ve written it down, put it out into the universe and then let it go, freely to whoever needs it more now than I do.
I’ve realized that I’m not always okay, and that this is okay. That it’s okay, not to be okay because it’s usually throughout our darkest times, that we see the brightest lights; like how, in complete darkness, we see the most stars in the sky. I’ve accepted the darkness of my past, and sat at the corner of grace and shame, trying to love myself despite this darkness. I’ve shared my scars with others; allowing them to see their own for what they are, as well as, allowing me to recognize that mine are no greater than anyone else’s. And, that it’s in our scars, and our broken bits that the real light shines in; to us, for us and through us, for others.
I’ve made changes in my life; chosen light and love, and chosen happy over this darkness. I’ve decided to be brave in moving forward in my life’s path and committed to not giving up on this path; even when the darkness overwhelms me, and tries to swallow me whole. Which, is exactly what’s been happening lately; test after test, after test. Tests and trials that are seemingly trying to break down my resolve. Temptations that have been put in my path, for one reason or another, to derail my progress. For the most part, I’ve done well at fighting this, and finding the peace, love and light that I deserve; that I, myself have been trying to spread, as well. But there have been days of severe struggle; yesterday was one of those days.
I’d had an argument with someone a few days before, and it brought everything to the surface again. Brought things back to where I was before, it seemed. It brought back the emotional attachment I’d once felt for that person; the thoughts of a what could have been, of what once was, and of what they once meant to me and my life. It brought back the feeling of wanting to be accepted and loved by them, because I thought that was what I need, and how I wanted my life to be.
It brought back feelings of un-wellness, and feelings un-worthiness. It made me react in a negative manner, in which I was perpetuating the hatred and bitterness that exists in so many ways and places, in the world; that I hadn’t even realized, existed in this relationship. I said something honest, but kind of cruel, at the same time. Which is not like me. I mean, I always try my best to be my most honest, but I don’t usually wield that honesty cruelly. They were cruel, first, but that doesn’t excuse my being cruel in return.
When I’m met with cruelty, I always try to respond in, and with love. When I am met with darkness, I usually try to spread light. When I’m challenged, I usually have such resolve that I don’t need to fight others, in this way; I usually just stand my ground, peacefully. I have truth, love, light and forgiveness in my life and, I don’t normally feel the need to justify this. I am usually so strong in my resolve; especially these days, that I don’t need to even respond in situations like these. However, for some reason, this got to me. This wore me down more than it normally would have or really should have, especially considering the source; considering the role this person played in my life and in my suffering. But I’ve worked hard at putting that aside, and still wishing them, and others who’ve done damage in my life, well.
I’ve worked really hard, despite that, at being the best version of myself; for both myself and others. Practicing forgiveness and spreading love, regardless of the circumstances. I’ve put the past away and have consciously started living in the present moment; without the depression caused by the difficulties of the past, or of the anxiety of worrying what the future holds. I’ve worked at understanding, forgiving and loving; meeting and accepting people where they are, and loving them anyway. By loving, I don’t mean in a way that allows them into my life again, but in a way that spreads light that they clearly need in theirs. By forgiving, I don’t mean excusing their behaviours, or letting them continue to hurt me or others, but lifting the burden, caused by the hurt or damage they’d done.
Despite all of my work, however, this one got to me. This one took me down for an entire day; a whole day of wallowing. An entire day of thinking about how I’d been cruel; of thinking how that made me unworthy of the light and love that I, myself so often spread. Twenty-four hours of dwelling in the past; on all of the things I’ve done wrong. Thinking of these experiences as mistakes and, in turn, feeling like a bad human. A whole trip around the sun; with light shining brightly in my face, but only seeing darkness. A day, I would normally see as a mere lapse but, that felt like I’d slipped right back into my old ways, from the previous days of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.
I thought about one of my previous blog posts; about the power of words. Of how words literally, have the power of life and death. A post where I penned of the importance of being careful with your words, because of this. One that I feel is important to share here again, because of this; “They [words] are amazing tools, that have the power to both harm and heal. One word can change a person’s life; for the better or the worse. One word or sentence can drastically alter a person’s life path. The words within the books we read, the words we speak to one another, and the words that are translated from language to language, throughout the ages, literarily illustrating history, and mankind’s creation; have been the cause of wars and strife, and in contrast, have also healed hearts and saved lives.”
As I re-read these, my own words, I realize why this argument hurt me so much; why it nearly derailed my months (possibly years) of progress. Not because of the words that were said to me; not that this person said something cruel and malicious to me, but that I said something equally as cruel in return. That I had, instead of responding by spreading light and speaking with and through love, reacted in kind, to their words; with words like theirs. I was almost derailed by words because of their power; of life and death. But it was my own words that nearly derailed me. It was the fact that, I felt like a hypocrite. Painting a picture of myself, as though I’m all about love and light, and then almost intentionally reacting with bitterness and contempt. I suddenly didn’t feel worthy of the light because of this hypocrisy.
Ironically, however, what snapped me out of this place of darkness and self-pity, was actually the very love and light that I was denying myself because of one moment of unintentional cruelty; of hypocrisy. That I was denying myself because of the words that had passed from my lips, to another. Words that didn’t come from the same place of love as the ones that were given to me to snap me out of this darkness and regret. Words that were given to me to realize the love that existed in my life; that I deserved this love, and deserved the light, despite the fact that I’d said something cruel and dwelled a little too long in the darkness once again. The realization that love is a much more powerful force than fear. That truth will always be more powerful than misinformation; that feeling that we are undeserving of love and light.
When the truth is, we are all deserving of love. We are all loved; some of us just refuse to see it, and allow it in our lives. That love, like words, has the power of life and death; that the abundance of love, creates life and, the lack thereof, can bring forth death.
Realizing this, and recognizing how important love is to life, I realized the importance of allowing it into my life, properly. Of feeling worthy of it, and accepting it, in its purest form. That we will all fight battles like this. There will always be days where we fall short, and feel like we’ve failed at spreading that love, ourselves. Days that we will feel undeserving of this love and days where we allow ourselves to wallow too long in the darkness. We will always have that darkness in our life that we need to battle but, that we can win these battles through love; through putting on our spiritual armour – love.
That, in order to fight the battles of this kind; the kind darkness brings to our lives, we need to consciously choose, each and every day, to put on this armour. We need to put on and wear this armour everywhere, every single day so, we can fight these battles through love. That we can fight darkness this way, with light; versus fighting darkness with darkness. So, we can do all things through the strength we find in this love.