Family Tree
“You didn't ask for this - Nobody ever would - Caught in the middle of this dysfunction - It's your sad reality - It's your messed-up family tree - And all you’re left with all these questions. Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? Do you have to carry what they've handed down? No, this is not your legacy - This is not your destiny - Yesterday does not define you - No, this is not your legacy - This is not your meant to be. You're gonna find real love - And you're gonna hold your kids - You'll change the course of generations.” – Matthew West, “Family Tree”
I had a visit with my sisters this weekend, and got to thinking, as I often do, about how greatly our origin family influences who we are and what and who we become. This isn’t something new to me; I’ve been dealing with the repercussions of my childhood and helping others with theirs, for years now. As an adult-child of a broken, dysfunctional family, myself. As a cop and as a crisis responder; dealing with the darkness in people, that results from adverse childhood experiences, along with a number of other things. And, as a counsellor; trying to help people cope in healthier ways, with this kind of darkness and brokenness that exists inside them, from these experiences. Darkness and brokenness that is not really theirs/ours to claim, as it results from the things people did to us; things they did to us that come from a place of brokenness, within themselves.
Although, not excuses, there are many reasons for this; different facets to our humanness. Many facets to how we are made, and why we are who we are. There are the biological aspects of our lives and facets of our mind, body, spirit; of how we’re made. Of what is genetic, and that we have received from those who made us, and those who made them, and so on and so on. Also, our chemistry; body and brain, alike, and how that effects our perspective, and how our perspective effects our biology. Perspective, coming from our psychology; how we see the world around us and interact with others. How we receive and perceive and decode messages from those around us, and what that means for our ability to communicate with others; so, how that effects our relationships.
And in this case, speaking about family, how we perceive and process the effects of our families. The familial history and background, being a part of our sociology; that effects, in addition to our biology and psychology, how we see the world, how we develop relationships, how we interact within these relationships and how that forms who we become. All these things in mind, the things that occur in our lives; how we are socialized and how we are treated, and what we see/experience, form who we are and how we continue to interact in the world. That’s a lot of pressure to put on parents; to help give us a good start, and protect us and mold us as best as possible. It’s also a lot of work for us, when we don’t have a good start. When we experience childhood trauma; when we are exposed to adverse childhood experiences of any kind.
Psychology says there are ten types of “Adverse Childhood Experiences – ACE’s”. Five are personal; physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. Some include witnessing this type of abuse, and others, experiencing it. Other ACE’s include; divorce in the family, suicide in the family, history of incarceration, mental illness or substance use in the family, poverty, etc. I experienced all of these things, throughout my childhood. ACE’s are linked to issues later in our lives, such as; chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance use disorders, and can negatively affect our education career opportunities, and relationships in our lives. When you think about it, these are all areas of our lives where stress is most prominent. And, even as adults, we have difficulty getting through these things and later, in processing them. Even after our brains are fully developed, our personalities fully formed and our sense of self; self-esteem, self-love and self-efficacy formed, by our experiences. Even those, with a lower ACE score (those who haven’t experienced as many things on the ACE questionnaire; experienced less adversity and trauma as a child), still have difficulty within these kinds of experiences, later on in life; difficulty throughout and in processing them later. Difficulty in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and in coming out the other end.
Imagine being a child, with a child’s brain and a child’s biology and psychology; trying to process and understand what is happening around you. Imagine being that child, unable to feel safe, or trust in the adults in their lives, not only to protect them, but sometimes, to not hurt them, themselves. Where would that child’s strength come from, to help them through these things?
Another facet of our personality; of how we are formed and how we later see and experience the world around us, and the people in it, is spirituality; without which, we are battling everything from the mind. Without which, we are fighting these battles, alone and unarmed. Without which, as a child, I wouldn’t have found that safe place, or the strength I needed to push through the troubles in my life. My child’s mind couldn’t comprehend what I was going through, let alone battle the demons in my life, home and family.
Spirituality; without which, we cannot always be in balance. We need the balance of body, mind and spirit to fight our demons. We need divine inspiration to help us have greater purpose and meaning in our lives; to help us to understand our battles and the reason behind why we have to fight them. Without meaning and purpose; without understanding that there may be a reason for all that you’ve gone through and a way forward from each, we can get stuck on the problems and not see any solutions. We can get stuck looking at the darkness and wallowing there, instead of seeing the light that exists to help us out of this darkness.
I didn’t ask for a, “messed up family tree”. I didn’t ask to be caught in the dysfunction while I was trying to develop and grow. I couldn’t have carried what my family, “handed down”, to me; not without spirituality. Not without divine inspiration, strength and love that I found within that element of my life. I wouldn’t have made it through childhood, if I thought that I had to carry it all alone; that yesterday, and its trials and tribulations, were what life was about. If I felt that it was my burden to carry, and my legacy to pass on. That I had to be like my father and mother were; and pass down more dysfunction and trauma from my family tree.
But, as a child, I was tapped into the divine; even more so as a child, than I was later on, until recently. I felt strength and love that I couldn’t identify as coming from my surroundings. It is the only reason I made it through; and the only reason that I am not like my parents. It is the only reason I had the tenacity and resilience to survive and, “change the course of generations”; knowing that yesterday didn’t define me, that there was a greater purpose for me, and that when I grew tired or weak throughout my journey, I had back up to help carry me through.
What of those children who didn't have this in their lives? What of the adults that still don't? What reasons can they identify as to why they have had to go through these things; as a child, and again, as an adult? What of those who don't have this kind of balance in their lives? This is why mental illness exists in our world; why there is substance use disorders, mental health struggles, addictions and other struggles. People are fighting their demons alone; demons passed down from generation to generation, through their own, "messed up family tree(s)". Knowing this, why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are we so hard on one another? Not everyone has back up, to help them through these things. Why can't we be that back up for one another, then? Why can we not help others find the light that they seem to be missing, in their lives? Instead of adding to their stress and causing further battles for one another?
Everyone has a, "messed up family tree", as Matthew West calls it. Not everyone is able to prune that tree, or to allow the seasons of it to occur naturally. Not everyone is able to let go of the things that weigh it down; that weigh them down. Not everyone has the back up needed to help them do so. So, be kind to everyone; instead of pointing out the crooked branches on their family tree, offer them the support they need. Offer to help them trim off the dead branches and clear away the leaves as they fall. Offer them the help they need to clean up that family tree and learn to allow it to change with the seasons, accordingly. Instead of pointing out their sad reality, help them to change it. Be the light they need, and you'll find that you also find more light for you, yourself, through doing so. If you can't find the light to help your tree grow, or their tree grow, be that light. Help bring life back to your family trees and the family trees of others.