Because it's Worth the Wait
“If I accept the fact that my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Who we spend time with; who we partner with, who we are friends with and who we have in our lives, effects who we are and how we live. It determines both, our quality of life and the kind of love we have in our lives. We need to have people in our lives who are the right ones, not just someone to be there because we are lonely or alone. People who are equally yoked; who share the same values, beliefs and outlook as us. Not carbon copies of us, who we love because we see ourselves in them; that’s narcissism. Not those who will alter themselves for us; these relationships are empty. But those with whom we share the really important values and belief systems that make us equally yoked. Those with whom we can find fellowship and community; and who we can be our true selves with. Those who will walk beside us in our journey and love us, as we love them; purely and unconditionally.
But, just as we cannot appreciate the sweet without first, knowing the sour; the pleasure, without pain or light without darkness, we also can’t always see what’s good for us or meant for us, without first seeing, what is not. We sometimes need to experience the tests and trials that exist within the wrong relationships, before we can find and nurture the right ones. We can’t always see what pure and unconditional love and acceptance look like, until we have seen what it is not. We can’t always see these things because, sometimes our vision is blurred or foggy by the very weaknesses that reside in us that make us human, and in want of the things that the wrong relationships bring us. When our vision is not clear, we make decisions based on things like; loneliness, brokenness and desire. Instead of waiting for the right people and things; people and things that exist to fit us properly. That were made for us and meant for us.
It’s taken me a long time to find people like this to share my life with. I still haven’t found a partner like this, yet but I now know that, whatever and whoever is meant for me, is worth the wait. I’ve not always been this patient. My vision hasn’t always been this clear. My journey has been bumpy; and not without trials and tests. I’ve been exposed to a lot of hardship and pain. I’ve had many relationships that ended; some violently. But, that taught me some very important lessons. Relationships that weren’t meant to last, but to wake me up and open my eyes. It’s taken me years of being alone, living alone and learning to appreciate this aloneness; so, I could appreciate the pure relationships in my life. Learning to walk my own path. Learning to be patient. Learning to wait for what’s meant for me to come to me. Learning to quiet myself so, I could hear the voice that was trying to speak to me; to lead me in the direction I needed to go to do/have these things.
Spending time alone has helped me develop patience. I’ve been impatient before; tempted before and have given into temptation because I was impatient; because I was lonely. Because I didn’t like being alone; it was too quiet and this kind of quiet used to make me uncomfortable. I’ve been alone for seven years, since my last divorce. In that time, I’ve spent time with a few different people, but none of them the one I really needed; the one I was waiting for. None of them were the one that would come into my life with the piece of the puzzle I’d been missing all this time. And, until I found that one, there was no sense bothering with coupling again. I’d already got it wrong so many times; did I really want to get it wrong once more? I could wait. I’d waited this long.
After seven years, I learned to listen and I finally developed the understanding, and patience I needed to wait. My vision finally cleared. As I learned to be comfortable in the quiet, I started to hear the voice that I’d been impatiently waiting for, earlier; the one I couldn’t hear over the noisiness of my wants and desires. I finally realized that, my previous relationships were trials; they existed to show me what wasn’t meant for me; at that time anyway. They existed to wake me up and make me see what I really needed; versus what I seemingly wanted in a relationship. I was still friends with all of them. They were still a part of my life, because they were meant to be as such, but they weren’t meant to be my partners; not as they were, or as I was when we were together. None of them shared the same values and belief systems as I did, at the time; none of them walked along the same path as I did. We could not live our lives together or walk alongside one another on our paths, if we weren’t in harmony with one another. If we were not equally yoked, it would make us at odds with one another. Instead of in harmony with each other, as we all should be, to be partners; life partners or any other kind of partnership, really. Without this, something would always be broken between us and we would spend more time trying to fix one another and our relationship, than we would, reveling in the beauty of what a relationship should be.
It’s not my job to fix you nor yours, me. We all have our battles but they’re ours to fight. Our issues and struggles are ours alone, to own. It’s part of being a grown up human being. We can reach out and ask for help from one another but we don’t need to become someone else’s project or allow someone else to be ours. We can love one another, as we’re meant to do but that doesn’t mean we have to fix one another. Only we can fix ourselves. We should fix ourselves; especially if we want to find the right person to live our lives with later on down the line; if we want the patience to wait for the right one. But by not fixing ourselves, alone or by always trying to fix others, instead of ourselves, we can’t find the patience to wait; we couple with the wrong people. If we’re not whole, ourselves, we’re lonelier. When we are lonely, we have a harder time waiting for the right person to come into our lives. We take whatever attention and affection we can get, regardless of whether or not the other person is broken, also. Then, we have a project instead of a partner. And we still don’t have the one that fits us, rightly.
It’s difficult though, to wait for the right person to come along; or, if we've already met them, for the right one to fix themselves. Our world is a hot mess and we have become even more confused, conflicted and overwhelmed than ever before. It has become a place where, social media has destroyed communication, and relationships. A place where community no longer exists and where, anything we want can be found at our fingertips online, and instantly delivered to our doors; including human beings and love interests. We don’t have to be alone, when there’s always the option of finding a mate or a bed fellow we can ‘match’ with, right on the screens of our phones. We don’t have to wait, or even think about it; and this is dangerous. It’s especially dangerous without a community, or fellowship in our lives; without a tribe of some kind, with whom we are equally yoked and where we find the love and support we need to help us resist these self-destructive temptations. It’s even more dangerous if we’re not good at being alone; haven’t spent some time in our own company and learned to be okay with being with ourselves.
After we have spent some time alone, in quiet reflection, we learn how to be alone. We learn to appreciate the quiet, and learn to listen when it’s quiet. We need this time alone; whether, as I penned in an earlier post, that is in a relationship that allows for space and autonomy, or whether we are alone, alone. Not in isolation but in solitude. We need to know ourselves, to love ourselves so, we can figure out how to fix ourselves. And realize that it’s not our job to fix others. And no one else can fix us. We need that quiet, peace and solitude so that we can hear what our heart is trying to tell us, and so that we can be patient and wait for what is meant for us and good for us to come to us.
As I said, after seven years, I am finally to a place where I can wait patiently for the people and things that are meant to be in my life. I finally know and love myself, and am finally okay with being alone, in order to patiently wait for whoever, I am sent to be a part of my life. I’ve finally found a tribe where I fit and can be completely me. I’ve finally found a fellowship that fits with my values and beliefs; and can express myself without fear. I’m finally at a place where I can wait; for whatever good is coming my way. And, I can finally see clearly enough to know what’s good versus bad, what’s light versus darkness in and for my life. I can finally re-align with my true purpose and live the life that I’ve been waiting to live; taking the lessons that I have learned along the way.
I’ve finally got my heart right. I can finally live my life from the heart; without it leading me astray. I can finally, despite temptations that are sent my way, patiently wait for the one, with whom I will be equally yoked, and with who I will find pure, unconditional love and equal partnership. And I am where, after being alone for so long, I am able to be content living, and being alone. Where, with the fellowship of my tribe and the pure love that exists in my life, I am able to patiently wait for whatever will come to pass.