The Corner of Grace and Shame
I’ve sat at the corner of shame and grace my whole life. Thinking I was going in the right direction but somehow, always being misguided; well-intentioned, but misguided. Wanting to believe I was on the right path; that I was doing good, and that this was enough. That I was a good person because I was giving of myself and, that by doing this kind of work, good things should be given to me in return. But I couldn't see past the shame that I held within me, and within my decisions; shame that lived inside of me because of my childhood experiences and how they all shaped me. I couldn't see past this shame to help me see the grace that also existed; grace that could shape my life and decisions if I could just get to it; through understanding what role each of them played in our lives.
Not understanding why bad things happened in my life; everyone's lives, when I was/we are what we consider, good. Why bad things happened to good people, in general. I was blaming the darkness for my circumstances, instead of recognizing that I might, actually be on the wrong path for me; that I needed to focus on what the light was illuminating for me. I’ve always told others, that if they’re on the right path, they’ll know it. That if things are good, then they’re on the right path. If their journey is difficult and full of unexpected bumps, twists and turns, then they were likely on the wrong path. But I didn’t see that for myself, for some reason. I didn’t see that I was pushing too hard, uphill and going the wrong direction.
That, every time I went to go one way and was stopped dead in my tracks, that it was some kind of divine intervention leading me back; correcting me and putting me back on the right path. Instead, I blamed the universe and its negative forces working against me. I blamed the ‘dark’, instead of giving credit to the ‘light’. I blamed the shame, instead of the grace; for leading me astray, as opposed to leading me to my true path.
Regardless of our spiritual beliefs or faith, we always want to blame the negative forces in our lives; or our circumstances, for the bad things that happen to us. Or, when things don’t work out as we have planned. We sit at the corner of shame and grace, wanting to move but unable to see a way out. Unwilling to search for the right answers; focused on what we want, instead of what we need.
We work hard in our lives, we make progress and then, when the progress halts, we get frustrated and either give up or go our own way; against fate’s wishes; against the path that is set out for us. We choose a different path. We stop listening to God and the universe. Or we are stubborn and we tempt fate by saying, “no”.
I asked once, if I could be a police officer and soldier. I was called to do something different, but I wanted what I wanted, and did it anyway. This journey; my man-made path, took so much away from me. The path that I chose to walk on, myself, instead of listening; took away my marriage, family and my home. Losing my marriage, home and family saw my finances destroyed, as well, and had me start over with half the material worth I’d had before, and forced me to struggle through to make ends meet. It took my physical well-being and my mental wellness, as well; through illness, injury and trauma. It saw me assaulted and harassed, and broke my body and brain. It was killing me, it almost did kill me; I almost took my own life. And, yet I kept doing it.
I kept doing it, because I felt the need to serve others in my way and was behaving, like a small child having a temper tantrum when Dad says, “no”; kicking and screaming, and rebelling and doing it anyway. It was killing me, and yet I asked to be able to keep policing and soldiering. Fate said, “no”. I kept doing it and I broke my back and then, my brain, as well. I was so stubborn, that fate had to break my back to get me to stop.
And, did again, when I was in school while waiting to learn my career fate; whether they were going to release me from the military, I tore my knee apart and couldn’t return to that program. At first, I blamed the negative forces in the universe and in my life; was angry with fate for allowing this to happen. I kept thinking, “why does God or the universe (depending on your beliefs) allow bad things to happen to people who are trying to do good work?”, “why does it let bad things happen to good people?”. I blamed my darkness for my broken back and brain, and was mad at the light for not being there when I needed it; to help me keep doing what I’d been told me not to do in the first place.
This is where most people abandon their faith. This is where most people give up. Where people get stuck at the corner of shame and grace. Waiting for shame to leave so they can get acquainted with grace. I was stuck at the corner of shame and grace, myself. I wasn’t listening to the universe. And I was blaming the darkness for all of the hurt that had come to me, instead of seeing that when the universe said, “no”, it was trying to warn me that this outcome was the inevitable outcome, if I disobeyed. That it wasn’t my true path. I realized that, despite the fact that I always believed in and been able to see light, that I’d allowed shame to overwhelm me, and darkness to envelop me. I wanted what I wanted, and was being stubborn and trying to continue to do what I wanted to do, instead of accepting what fate knew I needed; what the universe needed from me, and had called me to do.
I was eventually medically released from the military, and had to choose another path. I asked the universe if I could become a counsellor, but didn’t really listen for the answer. I went back to school again, this time taking Mental Health and Addictions. I graduated this June but haven’t started working full-time yet because I’m not in the right mindset for this work yet. I can't seem to use my gifts, education and training in this way yet; to help others in this way, without, in some way harming myself.
I asked if I could be a counsellor. I didn’t listen for the answer. Then, I was assessed by Veterans Affairs to see if I could continue with my schooling, to get my Masters so, I could counsel veterans and first responders. They determined that by continuing on this path, I would do further, what they referred to as, “irreparable damage” to myself because of my own brokenness. I asked the universe if I could be a counsellor, and like my request to be a police officer, again, He said, “no”.
After delivering me this news, my case manager suggested that I rest and recover. That I had a pension now, and that I didn’t have to work anymore. That, I’d done good work and now it was time for me to think of me. But I don’t work that way. I wasn’t made that way. I was made with enormous compassion for others, to use to help them in their time of need. I was made as a helper, not as someone to sit idly by and watch, as others struggle.
I was born into a life of service to others, and knew it was my job; everyone's job to help the weak, when we're stronger, and the poor when we're given the gift of abundance. That it was more important to give than to receive. I was called to use my God-given gifts to help others. I just needed to learn how. I needed to put my stubbornness aside; to have the shame inside me and my decisions cast aside, and find the grace surrender to my real purpose; my true path.
I needed to stop pushing and allow what was meant for me to come to me, in its own way and in its own time. I needed to listen to the universe; stop blaming the darkness and to see that the light was trying to guide me in the right direction. I needed to allow the light to guide me in the right direction. I needed to see that what was meant for me was going to be much greater than what I wanted. I needed to believe that this would be illuminated for me; that if I quieted myself and my heart, I would be given ears that could hear and eyes that could see where that grace existed and what that meant in my life.