Sharing Scars
“Our scars make us relatable to others. We have to own our story, or our story will own us.” When you share your scars, you create a safe narrative bubble where others can safely process their own experiences.” – Scott Mann, The Generosity of Scars, TedX Talk
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, you know I’m in a period of great transition. Perhaps the greatest I’ve ever been in; which is saying a lot because of how often I’ve transitioned and how greatly I’ve always been able to adapt to change. Or, I should say, great change; as I seem to be okay with massive, life altering change. Change like, leaving a career, going back to school (three times), divorce, re-marriage, moving cities, starting over, again and again and again, but don’t ask me to change my bank or cell phone provider or I’ll melt down. And, even with all of these massive changes throughout my life, everything that I have done has led me to where I was supposed to be and where I am right now. Everything led to the helping profession and to service to others in some capacity. With this latest forced transition, I’ve been feeling lost and working hard at surrendering and letting go of the control that I’ve always been known for needing in my life. I’ve been working hard at allowing what is meant for me to come to me and to watch the ‘signs’ that will lead me there. This all manifested itself over the period of a few days and became crystal clear to me today; beginning with a conversation with daughter number one this morning.
This morning, we were talking about my blog and how so many people have reached out to me since I have been sharing my story; my scars. So many people can relate to my stories and have messaged or commented, sharing what that means to them. Some, have privately messaged me and shared pieces of their stories; their scars. Some have asked advice, some have given me some, and some have simply shared. All have been helpful in some way; whether as good advice or as validation that what I’m sharing and how I’m sharing it is of value to others, in one way or another. All, have helped one or all of us to process our own experiences and created a medium in which others could share their scars; with one another and with me. After this conversation, we went out for brunch. At brunch, we were discussing how I am finally beginning to agree with the results of my recent neuro-pschye assessment; that it would be detrimental to my well-being to continue counselling others because of the amount of empathy I hold for others and the scars I currently carry with me from my work. That, I thought that I was now too cut and dried and that would make me harsh with others; that I would be too frank or too forward with clients who were continuing to do the same things, make the same mistakes and repeating harmful behaviours, despite being counselled otherwise. And, that it would eventually tear a hole in me, seeing them continuing on a destructive path such as this. That I agreed that it was best if I change course but was waiting to figure out what that looked like.
After brunch, while still at the restaurant, I had a chat with a couple that I had gone to school with, in my most recent college program. They happened to be in the same restaurant at the same time as we were. They were now both, Addictions Counsellors and were both working hard within their new careers. I discussed with one of them, how I’d been given this news, recently and how it had changed my course completely. That I had to do something different and was thinking of teaching and training; in addition to speaking and coaching, as an alternative option to counselling. Then, speaking to his partner; after she shared her thoughts on work and feeling overburdened and exhausted by the work, while at the same time, elated at her progress and success, that I experienced the same things. I warned her to be very careful and practice good self-care, and explained that these were early warning signs of compassion fatigue and possibly burn out.
While talking to her, without even thinking about it, I just blurted out that I needed to create a program for counsellors and front-line workers on compassion fatigue and burn out. Not all the self-care and coping strategy specifics that they, as counsellors already know how to incorporate into their lives, but by teaching in a narrative format; using my own lived experience as a guide. To create a “safe, narrative bubble” to illustrate to others in the field what the early warning signs are and what to watch for. To share what it looked like for me; how it affected my life and what it’s taken from me. To share my scars with others, to either share something they can relate to; or better yet, help prevent them from having to go through what I went through. Train the trainers, and help the helpers through sharing lived experience; sharing scars.
I’ve already started this process, through sharing my experiences; sharing my scars through a, “narrative bubble” like that of my blog posts. And, I will continue to do this but I’m also going to use these scars, to create something where I can help others without harming myself further; without being hypocritical and adopting the, “do as I say, not as I do” attitude. A series of programs, workshops and courses; and speaking engagements, where I share my story and my scars with others to both show them that they are not alone, and to hopefully help them prevent them from becoming (further) unnecessarily scarred, themselves. To create a safe way of uncovering and sharing scars to and with others, to once again create something beautiful out of something ugly.