It's Okay Not to be Okay
It's okay not to be okay. No one is ever really completely, "okay". We are all hurt, afflicted stressed or perplexed in some way. It doesn't mean we're destroyed. We can be broken. Being broken doesn't mean we're unfixable. We can be shattered and still able to be put back together, in some way.
Sometimes, we're put back together differently and that's okay. It doesn't mean we're less than what we once were. It simply means we're different than we once were. And that's okay, too. It doesn't mean we should give up. There is always a way out of the circumstances surrounding our despair. Even if that way isn't the ideal outcome that we desire. Even if it means great change. There is always a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
Sometimes, it means trusting that things will work out as they're meant to. Even if it means realizing that we're only human; and, that being human means sometimes we're not always okay and that we're not always in control of our circumstances. And, that that's okay, as well. Sometimes, the things that happen to us, happen for a reason; as a way of teaching us a lesson. Some of these things are our own doing, and some are outside of our control. Sometimes, we need to let go of the illusion of control that we carry with us and surrender to the idea that often, what we want isn't meant for us. Sometimes what is meant for us is better for us than what we want. To realize that, when things are difficult, it's usually because we've strayed from the path we're meant to be on. And, when things seem to happen with more ease, it's because we are living authentically and following our true path.
I got news, myself yesterday, that the path that I've been on and the work that I felt I needed to do, wasn't appropriate for me anymore. That, what I want to do, isn't actually healthy for me to do. That I have to find another way of helping others and reaching out so, I don't destroy myself in the process of helping others. That I need to focus on helping myself, as well. That, in helping others in the way that I have always done, and wanted to continue doing, I will break my mind, body and spirit even more than I've already done. That it will do irreparable damage; that may not be able to be undone, this time. That I need to make a change; be realistic about my own injuries and my new reality. Take a real look at my current capabilities and adjust my plans to fit both, accordingly.
I have to realize that I'm not entirely okay, and that I'm not who I was when I did this work before; because I did this work and it broke me. That, I've repaired myself and aggrandized my broken pieces but that means I'm not the same person and cannot do the same work without breaking myself further. That I have to find a way of reaching others and helping them, without spoiling myself in the process. That it's okay for me not to be entirely okay but it's not okay to try to be when I'm not.
I have to surrender to this. I'm working on it but it will take time. In the meantime, I'm learning patience. I'm learning by sitting in quiet contemplation/prayer/thought and listening to the God. Listening for His voice; that's been screaming at me for years now; but that's suddenly gone quiet. Pressing my ear up against Heaven's door and asking for guidance. How do I continue to help others when I'm not okay, myself?
And a faint voice just whispered the answer; no one is really okay. And that's okay. Even though you've been hurt, shattered or broken, you're not destroyed. You may have been put back together differently but it doesn't mean you're less than who and what you were before. You can still make a difference. You can still help others. All you have to do is surrender. Be willing to do things differently than you had initally planned to do. Be adaptable and allow the new or alternative path to be illuminated for you.
In the meantime, keep writing. Keep telling your story. Keep reaching out and telling others to do the same. Keep telling others that it's okay not to be okay, and that sometimes they need to adjust in order to surrender, and adapt to their new truth, and that's okay too.