Dear Younger Me
“Dear younger me. Where do I start? If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far. Then you could be. One step ahead. Of all the painful memories still running thru my head. I wonder how much different things would be. Dear younger me, dear younger me. Dear younger me I cannot decide. Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life. Or do I go deep. And try to change. The choices that you'll make ‘cuz they're choices that made me. Even though I love this crazy life. Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride. Dear younger me, dear younger me” – Mercy Me, “Dear Younger Me”
I found the music video for this song the other day, and it got me thinking about what I would say to the younger version of myself, if given the chance to dispense some advice to her. What would I tell her?
Would I tell her to spend more time and less money? Would I remind her how short life is and tell her to make the most of it? Would I tell her not to dye her hair purple or pierce her nose? Would I let her know which relationship would fail, and which one would work out; at least for a time? Would I tell her to finish high school, while she was still a kid; so, she didn’t have to fight so hard to do so later? Would I suggest she not join the military so that she didn’t have to go through what I’ve been through over the past several years?
Would I warn her about how hard my life has been, and how difficult it’s been for me to get to where I am now? Or would I tell her to enjoy what she has while she has it? If I told her not to do some of the things that I’d done; or warned her that things would be so hard, would she do them? Would I be who I am, if she didn’t? Would any of us be who we are, had we not been through all we had been through?
How could I prepare her for something that she would have to endure without spoiling things or changing how her life; my life, played out? What a daunting task it would be to do this. How do you warn your younger self to prepare them for such things? If I told her what I’d been through, I could prevent her from having to experience a life filled with pain, loss and grief. But, in doing that, I would also be preventing her from becoming the me that I am now.
So, I decided instead, that I would tell her this; everyone will experience difficulties in their lives. Everyone will, at some point, bear the burden of having things not work out; of losing people and things that matter to them. Everyone will have things that they need to go through to get to where they need to be. It’s how we respond to these things, and how we move on that will determine the quality of our lives.
That, if we had a chance to write a letter, or reach out in some way to our younger selves, this is what we should tell them.
Dear Younger Me,
I’m mostly happy with my life now but it’s taken a lot of work to get here. There have been a lot of people in my life that have made this possible, and a lot of people who made me need these people, in the first place; because they did things to hurt me and then left me to heal, on my own.
I’ve experienced a lot of pain but I’ve also experienced a lot of pleasure. I’ve seen both, the dark and the light and, tasted both, the sweet and the sour. I’ve experienced both, poverty and abundance; feast and famine, both materially and spiritually. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been healed.
I’ve had many good friends, who have taught me to be a friend, in return. I’ve loved and been loved by partners, in an intimate way and yet, chose a life of solitude for a time because I learned the importance of taking time alone to figure out who I was and what I needed from life. I learned how time alone; time outside of a partnership or by having autonomy within a partnership, could teach me who I really was. How it’s difficult to know who you are and know your worth when you’re one half of a whole, within a relationship. How important it is to be a whole person, yourself; and, that only you can fix you, when you’re not. Only you, can complete you.
I’ve learned more from my children, than I could have taught them. I raised children; who turned out to be the most important people in my life. I never achieved the ‘white picket fence’ life I was always searching for but I realized that it didn’t matter as much as I thought it did. I learned having what you want was less important than wanting what you have. Having what you want only makes you want more. Wanting what you have means you appreciate what you have in your life and can be grateful; this is the real key to a life of abundance.
I learned to forgive the people who took something from me. And, to be thankful to those who gave something to me. How important it was to differentiate from these people and realize their importance; both of them. And how much more important it was to give than to receive. How each, teaches you a lesson that helps to form who you are and who you become. And, that giving provides more pleasure than receving, anyway.
I learned that parents are just people; just as flawed and uncertain as the rest of us. They make mistakes, and they do damage but we ultimately become responsible to and for ourselves, and eventually cannot blame them for our own character flaws. That we are responsible for repairing whatever damage they do to us, and that others do to us throughout our lives.
I’ve learned that throughout everyone’s life, they will experience the same things. Most of these things; at least once in their lives, and that they will be the most important experiences, and teach them the most important lessons of their lives. That a person’s experiences create their perceptions and that their perceptions gauge their experiences and determine their responses to these experiences. Like, one person who has never lost someone important to them, who suddenly loses a distant relative can grieve in the same way another person, who has lost many people in their lives would, the loss of a parent. The person who loses the parent may not consider the other’s loss as impactful, and the person who lost the distant relative couldn’t even begin to imagine the impact of losing a parent. I’ve learned everyone will experience these things, and that they will all be impacted as greatly as the person next to them, based on their perceptions and their life’s experiences at the time.
I learned that a relationship with a parental figure; whether their own or someone else’s, whether they’re adopted or born into this family will impact everyone, equally. That everyone of us will have our foundations built by these experiences, and will all develop our love and family templates based on these them. That we will all, regardless of how positive or negative the experience is, have healing to do afterward. That all parents do damage of some kind to their children, because they are all just imperfect human beings. And, that none of them come equipped to form another human being without both helping and harming them, in some way. So, even though my experience was as it was, doesn’t mean the person next to me, who appeared to have it better, didn’t experience the same or worse damage as I did.
I also learned the importance of having childhood friendships, as these set our basis and build our foundation for future friendships. Every childhood friendship we engage in teaches us both, how to have and how to be a friend; whether from modelling healthy friendships for us to mimic, or by showing us the polar opposite of healthy so, we can learn what not to do/have/accept. And, that every ensuing friendship will hold value of some kind in our lives. That everyone will be there for a ‘reason, season or lifetime’, as someone once said. All serving a purpose, and all holding equal value, in their own way to our lives, if not directly to us.
That everyone, whether coming from a healthy environment or not, will one day discover their sexuality, find and a lose at least one partner in their lives. They will fall in love and some, fall out of love, and some will lose this love. Everyone has to go through at least one loss, or break-up of some kind and everyone will experience some kind of heartbreak in their lives. How they respond; especially when it happens early on in their lives, will determine whether they love again and how that will impact their lives. These losses will hurt like hell but without them, you will not appreciate the things you still have left, in your life. Let yourself experience this; knowing that one day, you will have something better because you will be able to see it as such.
That this is teaching you not to take people or things for granted, and to be grateful for what you do have. And, that everyone will have their own journey; their own path to follow, and that it will be different for everyone. That we should be of service to others because, in helping others, we help ourselves but that we are only truly responsible for ourselves. No one else is to blame or to be credited for who we are. And, that we can’t judge anyone else’s journey based on our perceptions, as we are different paths and each person’s journey is their own.
Finally, I’ve learned the importance of attitude and perception. That by having an attitude of gratitude, we live a life of abundance; because when we see what we have as enough, we have more than enough. That by wanting what we have, instead of always wanting more we live in that abundance. That, by seeing the lesson in each challenge we learn what we need to learn, in order to be happy. By learning through the experience of loss, we appreciate what we have left and don’t take it for granted. By holding ourselves accountable for our own lives and perceptions, we don’t expect others to be responsible for our happiness; hence, we are happier. And, that everything that happens in our lives, happens for one reason or another; that even if we don’t believe in fate and all that it entails, we can believe that each experience can teach us to lead a happier, more purposeful and abundant life, full of peace, love and friendship.
And, that regardless of how difficult our paths are, this is what the journey they call life, is all about.
That’s what, “living your purpose”, and “being authentic”, really looks like.
That despite everything, I wouldn't change a thing. That, if we change one single thing, we do not become who we become. All we can do is be grateful for every single breath we take and not take a single one for granted.