The Art of Aloneness

My story; history, life after Military service, grief, loss, illness & injury. Mental & physical health journey. Learning to be alone, love again; myself & others. What I’ve learned by being alone, about being alone, while alone.

It's Not Easy... to be a Helper or Rescuer - Written for My Comrades and their Families

"I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find. The better part of me" - Five for Fighting, "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

First responders and military personnel most often experience higher rates of stress than the average person. They experience both environmental and occupational hazards in their work environments. They are exposed to traumatic events and the potential of being put in harm’s way. They have periods of hyperarousal, in addition to the exposure to trauma, loss and stressful events. They are exposed to overtraining; used to develop muscle memory responses to combat the fight, flight or freeze response that is the normal, human response to trauma and critical incidents. They work in dangerous and, often hostile environments; experiencing periods of prolonged stress, with the risk of being exposed to physical injury and, in some cases death. The overtraining helps to prepare them for these environments and the stressors within. It also makes them feel more competent; in some ways, powerful and limitless at work; but not at home.

"I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane. I'm more than some pretty face beside a train. And it's not easy to be me" Five for Fighting, "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

There’s nothing like the dopamine flood a first responder gets at the onset of a 911 call; and the ensuing adrenaline throughout each call. There’s nothing like the feeling of complete control, competency and almost ‘super’ (cap)ability you feel when you respond to a critical incident or potentially life-threatening situation and succeed in helping someone. The high you feel after you save a life, stop a crime from happening or fix someone else’s problem or issue. The problem with this, is that it doesn’t transfer over to our lives at home.

We aren’t over-trained in the art of intimacy, or interpersonal communication with our children or our spouses. We can’t turn it on and off that easily and we cannot help but respond in certain ways to certain situations because of our overtraining and muscle memory. We try; to use our conflict resolution and mediation skills at home but this often just creates more problems. We continue to take on the role of the protector, or the person in charge. This creates issue within our relationships and a power imbalance in our lives; and, when the adrenaline wears off or the dopamine dump happens, we’re back to feeling powerless, limited and incompetent in the ‘normal’ parts of our lives.

This is part of the reason we have so much trouble maintaining relationships with others; even without complex PTSD, depression or anxiety diagnoses.

"I wish that I could cry. Fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie. About a home I'll never see" Five for Fighting, "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

It’s hard to explain these things to our friends and family members who aren’t first responders. It’s not their fault; if they don’t do this kind of job or have no exposure to these environments, they cannot understand what it’s like or why we respond in such a way. And, most of us who do these jobs will tell them that we don’t want to see them put in that position, anyway. We don’t want to see our loved ones exposed to the same kind of darkness that we are regularly exposed to. We want to be able to protect them from it; and able to protect them, in general.

The problem with that thinking is that we often fail to do so, because we think we have control of these things. We don’t. We don’t have control of anything; we're not actually superhuman, and we panic when we realize that.

We want to fall to our knees and cry out for help sometimes but won’t do this in front of our loved ones. More often than not, we won’t do it at all. We will keep it inside and try to control it; not realizing it’s a normal response to abnormal situations. We won’t show them this response though, because we don’t want them to see our weakness; our humanness. Because, if they see that we are human, we’re afraid they won’t believe in our ability to protect them. That we, ourselves won't believe in our ability to do so.

"It may sound absurd, but don't be naïve. Even heroes have the right to bleed" Five for Fighting, "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

We don't want to show our humanness because we don't want to believe in our own fragility and mortality. We want to be better, stronger and more... just more. But we have the right to be weak; the right to be human. We have the right to bleed the same blood everyone else bleeds. We just need to learn this, and to embrace this. We need, ourselves, to believe this.

"And it's not easy to be me. It’s not easy. I'm only a man in a silly red sheet. Digging for kryptonite on this one way street. Only a man in a funny red sheet. Looking for special things inside of me. Inside of me." Five for Fighting, "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

We’re taught not to bleed. We're taught to see this normal response as weakness. We’re taught to cloak ourselves; in our, “silly red sheets”, and to be superhuman. To hide what is inside of us. Once we retire, we have nowhere to feel this way anymore. No job that makes us feel capable or competent. No-one to 'save', nothing to conquer. We lose our meaning and purpose, and we suddenly see our true fragility.

This is part of the reason our depression, anxiety and PTSD responses are so exaggerated. Part of the reason we lose hope. Why our emotional damage and psychological scars are so overwhelming. Our illness and injury, exacerbated by the lack of purpose and meaning, along with our inability to have meaningful interpersonal relationships with our family and friends, in many cases.

I've spent alot of time on me; alot of time alone focusing on my physical, emotional and psychological well-being and I still struggle with these things. Imagine how difficult it must be for my comrades, who either haven't realized these struggles, as yet or, who haven't done the work. Some, never will; realize the work they need to do, or do the work. Because, it's not easy. It's not easy to be them. It's not easy to be me. It's not easy living with the consequences of being a helper and rescuer. And, it's not easy to live with us. It's not easy to understand us. Which makes it difficult for our family and friends to reach us, and for us to have meaningful relationships with them.

It takes work; on both of our parts, to make our loved ones understand us, and for us to see things from their perspective. It takes work for them to see where we are at, and love us right there and vice versa. And, it takes work for us to level the playing field; to either create a more appropriate balance of power within our relationships again, or to be more raw and real in front of them. Without the work; however, we are alone. Considering that we don't live in a bubble, and that we all need others to be well, remaining alone means we remain unwell. To be well, we need to show our true selves and our humanness and show compassion for ourselves.

To admit that we are, "only a man in a silly red sheet", and that this is okay. 

And, to realize that there others like them out there; others who love them, get them and who have their six.