The Art of Aloneness
A friend posted an article on social media this morning, detailing how people who like to be alone share six personality traits. It talked about how people who like being alone aren’t actually anti-social, they simply enjoy their own company and are able to get joy out of solitude. Some enjoy it, some thrive on it and some actually need it to live well. The author, Penelope Wilson, explained her thoughts on the difference between ‘loners’ and ‘lonely people’ by saying, “A loner is a person who does not desire or seek human interaction, while a lonely person is one who has a deep craving for unavailable human connection”. A sentiment I not only agree with but that resonates deeply with me.
I’ve been asked so many times, by so many people throughout the past six (almost seven) years, while alone; or without a relationship, if I’m lonely. In part because people think that not being in a long-term, committed relationships makes a person lonely. And partly because people are uncomfortable alone, themselves. What these people seemed to fail to recognize is that many people are lonelier in a relationship than they are when alone, by themselves. I know I certainly was at one point or another, within all three of my marriages. There were times where I felt what this author describes as a, “deep craving for unavailable human connection”, more so when I was in a relationship than when I was alone. I felt more at ease outside of a relationship, and on my own than I did when I was married. And, I think the reason people find this difficult to understand is that very few people take the time to be alone. Very few people are comfortable with being alone.
I get that; it’s difficult being alone, at first. After a long-term relationship breaks up and you find yourself trying to ‘fill the void’ that other person once filled. That’s why I jumped back into relationship after relationship (and in some cases, bed after bed) after each of my break-ups/divorces. Because I wasn’t good at ‘filling the void’ at first, either. It was suddenly quieter; and many people are uncomfortable with silence. It was suddenly more still; and many people are uncomfortable with stillness. I was suddenly left alone with my own thoughts; and many people are uncomfortable being left to hear themselves think because they allow others to fill that silence with their thoughts instead of sitting with their own long enough to find out what their truest desires, beliefs, values and thoughts on life are. I found myself, suddenly sleeping alone; and many people are not comfortable sleeping alone after having had someone next to them for so long. They’re uncomfortable with the space they now feel they need to fill.
To fill the silence; I watched television, or listened to music and then, ventured out with friends to movies and live music. Then I eventually learned to appreciate the silence. To avoid the emptiness of the stillness, I kept busy. I worked too much, or worked out constantly. I found ways of entertaining myself and keeping myself from having to be still. Eventually, I came to appreciate and crave the stillness and find peace within it. I meditated to quiet my thoughts so that I didn’t have to listen to them. After having quieted them, I started hearing the ones I’d been longing to hear for so long. The thoughts that couldn’t make through to me, without quiet and stillness. Eventually, things became clearer and I found my true inner voice and learned more about myself. I found out what my truest desires, beliefs, values and thoughts on life really were; and I found out who I really was. Always having been with someone else, I’d never had the quiet or stillness to discover which thoughts, beliefs, or desires were my own. Being with someone else made me inauthentic.
Finally, to fill the space that their (in this case, J's) body had left when we separated, I bought a smaller bed; not allowing room for them to exist there or sleep there anymore, anyway. I slept in a single bed for almost a year, to avoid feeling the space inside the void my last husband had left. Eventually, I started to enjoy the space and crave more. So, I bought a double bed, at first and then eventually a Queen. Little by little, I had made space, time, quiet and stillness in my life, for me; finally.
I read this article this morning and it got me thinking about my first few years alone. I reflected on my marriages and how it felt to be lonely within them; how I craved that human connection more, while in a relationship than I did when on my own. I reflected on how my childhood saw me spending copious amounts of time alone because of bad parenting and lack of socialization outside of our home. I thought about how much I enjoyed my alone time, and how I was always loneliest when attempting to connect with people in my life that I didn’t fit with. Trying to connect with those who weren’t really there for me. I preferred being alone; even as a child, over being with someone who I didn’t connect with on a deep level. I preferred one true friend over many acquaintances; quality over quantity. I reflected on what that meant for my previous relationships; that, if I felt lonely within them more than I felt a connection, then I’d never been true to myself about the relationships I’d had. I didn’t know that until I’d spent some time alone, though. Now, after so much time alone I can see signs to tell me whether or not a relationship is going to be enough to make me feel enough of a true and authentic human connection within it, in order for it to be worth losing my alone time that I now desire, love and appreciate so much.
I read the article and reflected on what the author described as the six special traits of a person who likes to be alone. She lists them as; one, they are more self-aware. Two, they make loyal friends. Three, they don’t seek approval from others. And, four, five and six; that they tend to be more creative, more focused and more open-minded. My thoughts are that this is because, being alone helps you to nurture all of these things within yourself. They may already exist, and that may be what keeps you craving that aloneness; to nurture these traits, and master your art of aloneness and its ensuing arts, as well.
Being alone helps your self-awareness because you are allowed the quiet, stillness and space that is required to hear yourself and listen to your own voice. It makes you a more loyal friend because you love this aloneness; the space, time, stillness and quiet within it, so much that you don’t allow others to interrupt it or enter into this bubble you have created unless they add something special to your life. Unless they make it worth you opening the door of your bubble to them. When you do, you are fiercely loyal to these people because you know that they are special and you don’t want to risk losing them. You appreciate what you have and you wouldn’t do anything to harm them or see them leave your bubble.
Being alone makes you care less about what others think of you because you are able to see your own worth and value yourself. If others don’t feel the same way, it’s because they don’t see you in the same way. How they see you no longer effects how you see yourself. So, you do not seek their approval because the only approval that matters, is your own. You care for your family, friends and loved ones; you are loyal and love and appreciate them, but what they think of you doesn't matter as much as what you think of you. What they think of your personality or your decisions or anything in your life that you are doing/living/loving in a way that is true to you and your own needs or desires, only needs to be understood and approved by you. That’s not to say that you don’t seek the affection, love and attention of others, with whom you share a real connection. It just means that you are confident that you make sound decisions on your own, can stand on your own two feet. And, that you will always ensure that you consider others when others can be affected by your decisions; but not when they’re not.
Finally, being alone allows you to be more creative, open-minded and focused because of the freedom of thought and expression found within the space, time, quiet, and stillness that those who don’t spend time alone don’t have access to. Again, not to say that those who are in relationships don’t have this. Being alone, doesn’t have to mean that you are single and live alone. Being alone can mean that you are in a healthy enough relationship that you are given the space, time, quiet and stillness to have this level of autonomy and self-care, as well. And, that’s the only kind of relationship that I will ever be a part of now. Now that I’ve had enough of my alone time to realize that I desire this and deserve this; and why.