The Survivor's Climb
“If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.” - Richard Bach
I spent three hours at the doctor’s office yesterday. Initially to get a couple of referrals as requested by Veterans Affairs, and to look into another health issue I’d been experiencing for the past few days. I hate going to the doctors. I feel ill at ease in doctors’ offices and at the hospital and, would rather not talk about my (rather complex) issues if and when I don’t have to. In this case, I obviously had to; just as I’d done throughout my recent physical and neuropsychological assessments. I feel drained afterward. I leave feeling sicker than when I went in. I know it’s somatic but I still feel it. I got to thinking that this might be, because I have to talk about my health issues while I’m there. It is the purpose of going, in the first place. But I’m not comfortable discussing all of my ‘problems’ like this, as it makes me feel them; it makes me focus on them and what’s wrong with me. It’s disheartening and exhausting at the best of times. Most times, I’d rather simply deal with them quietly, rather than incessantly talking about them. I would rather survive them and move forward than to dwell on what’s wrong with me, and become a victim to these issues and problems. I’d rather view them as things that needed attention but not things that define me.
Like the idea that someone with an illness, is not their disease. And, that they should not be defined by what they are going through; but instead, should be seen as someone with that illness. A person with an alcohol disorder, versus an Alcoholic. Or a person with Schizophrenia, versus a Schizophrenic. As someone who is seeking treatment for whatever illness or injury they have but who don’t allow that illness or injury to become the central focus of their life and being. That when they dwell on their injury or illness, they become a victim of these circumstances; and often, because of the mind/body connection, this thinking exacerbates their existing condition(s).
I have a back injury; among other things, that has changed my entire life. It saw me leave a career, make some very big changes in my personal life and modify how I live and function daily. It was the central focus of my existence for the first few years after the initial diagnosis. I was unknowingly a victim to my circumstances because I felt sorry for myself. I talked incessantly about what was wrong with me and how compromised I was, as a result of this injury; ‘less than’ the person I was before.
I lived like this, dealing with this and other issues and making major changes in my life but not feeling ‘well’ for much longer than I’d like to admit. Until my daughter forced me to snap out of it and to look at it like this; you are not your injury. There are others who have the same, similar or worse conditions. It affects your life and has forced you to make some big changes, but you’re still alive and you can still do most of the things you need, and some of the things you want to do in your life. Do those things. Be this new person. You don’t stay the same internally; you change and grow and evolve, as you age. Allow yourself to be the same, physically; accept that you’ve changed and that, that is okay. Focus on what you have overcome. Focus on what you’ve still got to live for. On what you can do, versus what you cannot. Do those things, as well. Find something to be grateful for and stop being a victim. Harsh, but truthful; and very helpful.
I realized that by having had a victim mentality, I had been limiting myself. There are fewer benefits of being a long-term ‘victim’ than of working toward becoming a survivor. Victims require attention, assistance, validation and in some cases, need others to take control for them when they’re in the thick of the victimization. They need support and they need that extra hand for a time. But sitting there too long grows tiring; for the victim, themselves and the people assisting them. Helping a victim through something should involve giving the required attention, validation and assistance but also, must involve empowerment. If you are the one supporting your own inner ‘victim’, you need to find a way of empowering yourself to help you switch roles, from victim to survivor. Maintaining the victim mentality creates a vicious cycle of self-victimization. Of not allowing yourself to move forward; to survive or thrive.
So, I changed my perspective and my life changed for the better. I still have chronic pain and I still have to do things differently than before, but I’m still here and I’m surviving; and in some cases, thriving. I did this by taking responsibility for my own life and accepting my new circumstances. Telling myself that I am not my illness or injuries but that I have to adjust and modify my life to accommodate for these things. Allowing myself to be a different person and started seeing myself not as, ‘less than’; simply different. I practiced gratitude; being grateful for what I still had, what I could still do and what I now had because of my illnesses and injuries. Started seeing that everything happens for a reason and to be grateful that it does. Were it not for these, I’d not have been able to go back to school; twice. I’d not have moved ‘home’, and bought my dream home. I’d not have met some of the people I’d met or found my true tribe.
I also started practicing forgiveness; forgiving those who harmed me, forgiving myself and my circumstances. Forgiving those who had harmed me in one way or another gave me peace. I knew I would never forget what they did or the effect this had on my life but the more I could forgive, the more I could let go of. The more at peace I would be with who I was now, as a result. Forgiving myself; for putting myself in harm’s way, for being affected by what I experienced and saw, and by being different now, as a result. Most of all, forgiving myself and my circumstances – before and after these experiences.
And of course, forgiving myself when I have days like yesterday, where I allow myself to be overwhelmed and drained by things like visits with doctors and specialists. Allowing myself a bit of space and leeway for days when I’m feeling like a victim or feeling sorry for myself. Because forgiving myself for this, and allowing myself those small lapses now and again, means that I don’t stay in that place for long. I stand back up and move forward again with more gratitude and peace. Knowing that I am no longer a victim of my circumstances and can both survive and thrive, regardless of my illnesses or injuries; regardless of my circumstances.