Hold On Tight... It's Only Life
"Tears are forming in your eyes, A storm is warning in the skies, The end of the world it seems, You bend down and you fall on your knees, Well get back on your feet ,yeah, Don't look away, don't run away, hey Baby it's only life... I'll be your stepping stone, Don't be so alone, Just hold on tight, it's only life" - Kate Voegele, "It's Only Life"
**Trigger Warning**
I’ve seen far too many soldiers, veterans and first responders die by suicide over the past few years. I’ve lost too many comrades, and a few very good friends this way, and I’m so tired of feeling this overwhelming, and never-ending sense of loss. I’m tired of grieving, and seeing families and friends grieve these losses. I’m tired of feeling like I could have done more, had I known. Tired of seeing brothers and sisters feel the same. Tired of seeing brothers and sisters not reach out because they’ve lost hope that there was a way out. Tired of seeing them take their own lives because of this hopelessness and despair; because of the constant, chronic pain and suffering and, sense of un-wellness, that far too often accompanies the helpers and the peacemakers. An un-wellness that far too often sees them take their own lives to end this pain or suffering.
Some have taken their own lives because of physical injuries or illness, some because of mental health illness or injuries. Some, because of first-hand trauma, others because of vicarious trauma. Some, because of constant, chronic physical pain, and others because of psychological pain. Some, because they felt alone, misunderstood and taken for granted or taken advantage of. Some because they felt let down by the organizations, institutions and services that were supposed to support them; many were. Others, because they experienced such guilt or shame resulting from having simply done their job; their duty, that they felt overburdened by it and didn’t feel they could live with such a burden. Some, because of the deep shame at having something terrible and dark done to them.
I’ve seen some who have suffered from addiction; losing everything that mattered to them in their lives because of this, and losing the hope of ever being healthy again. Some, psychologically, some physically and some, even financially unwell as a, direct or indirect result of their service. Service to their community, and to their country; and service to one another.
Some reached out and weren’t heard by those in charge or those capable of effecting change; individually or institutionally. Some were ignored or ousted for speaking up. Some simply gave up and didn’t reach out because they lost all hope and didn’t see a way out. Some gave up because they were let down too many times by these institutions and services. Some gave up because it seemed, “easier” than fighting the battle; most, feeling like they were fighting alone.
I have tried to kill myself before; more than once. More than once, I’ve lost hope and felt such desperation and despair that I didn't believe there was any other way out of the situation/circumstance/feeling that I was experiencing, and sitting too long in; dwelling in. More than once, I’ve almost succumbed to the darkness that seemed to envelop and surround me, at the time. The time that I came closest to being ‘successful’; the darkest I ever got, I was snapped out of it by a song. A song reminding me to, “hold on tight”, and that, “it’s only life”. A song saved my life and reminded me to keep on going, keep on trying, keep on fighting, just to keep on.
That wasn’t the last time I thought about taking my own life. There have been far too many occasions to count. It’s a constant battle every day; especially when it takes five minutes to get out of bed, fifteen minutes to get dressed and another half hour to feed the animals and let them out and back in because of pain and body stiffness that never stops. It gets pretty dark sometimes; especially when, after you finally get that portion of your morning taken care of, and then have to spend another fifteen minutes trying to remember and cognitively process all that you have to do/take with you/remember before you leave the house because your brain is broken, as well.
Days can be challenging when you have to fight through the pain and brain fog and do something productive every day just to feel you can justify your existence. When you are in constant fight and survive-mode just to get through the day, some days; when you seem to be trying to find reasons to stay alive and find some kind of meaning and purpose in your life. When you lash out because you’ve had enough; of the pain, of the frustration and anger, of the fight and survive mentality that seems to be keeping you alive some days. When you lash out and someone asks, "what's wrong?", and you can’t explain because it would take too long, and you don’t believe they would understand anyway. Days when you feel like it’s too hard to keep holding on.
These battles begin while you’re serving, and continue after you release/retire. It’s a constant battle when you’re in it, and trying to keep doing your job. It’s a constant battle after you’ve been released and are transitioning. And again, once you’ve completed your rehabilitation process; medical procedures, psychological rehabilitation programs, educational courses or programs, that you are hoping will restore some kind of meaning and purpose to your life. Ways of restoring hope and giving you a reason to hold on because you’re used to being of service to others, and feel useless and hopeless without that in your life anymore. It’s a constant battle to stay strong keeping moving forward. And, it’s a constant battle to feel and be healthy again, after all of the illness and injury you’ve experienced. You need support and a hand to help you back up when you’ve fallen and can’t find a way back up or a light in the darkness.
That’s what your comrades are supposed to be there for. That’s where we find our strength and support while we’re serving. So, should it be where we look for and find the same after we’ve transitioned. Our ‘battle buddies’, or ‘partners’, are those who help us to keep going in times of difficulty, or when things are challenging; both on and off duty. Both in and outside of the institutions and organizations in which we serve(d). We need to look to them to have our six in times of trouble. We need to reach out and allow them to have our back. Until then, we need to, “hold on tight”, and remember that “it’s only life”; and both ourselves and our lives are not static; they are dynamic, both constantly changing and evolving, and we need to be open to that change. And, when we find ourselves in that darkness and despair, we need to reach out and take some of the help that we have available to us through these and other relationships in our lives. We need to call on each other.
We need each other to keep us alive; to help us survive, and sometimes, even thrive. We need each other, as we are taught that we do, while we are serving. To help a brother or sister up, or to help one another see that it’s, “only life”, and to, “hold on tight”, while the storms pass. To hold on while we wait for the light to return. To help one another hold on while we restore meaning and purpose. While we find a way to manage the pain, or silence the voices that tell us we can’t. To hold on to one another and not let go until we can find a way out of that hopelessness, helplessness and darkness. To help one another and hold on to one another until we can stand on our own again.
I’ve said this before; both here and in other forms of communication. I’ve said it directly to comrades and friends, and said it as an open invitation for support to others in similar situations as myself. But I’m going to say it again; I’ve got your six. I may be broken, myself but I am still here for you if you need me. We need to hold onto one another; hold each other up. Help each other get through and help each other fight these battles day to day. One day at a time, together, we stand. Have one another’s backs. Have each other’s six. I’ve got yours. Reach out. Ask for help. And, I will do the same. We’re meant to be there for our brothers and sisters; as they’re meant to be there for us. We’re not meant to fight alone! We don’t need to fight alone. So, let’s not!
True Patriot Love is all that Remains