Get Real
I watched a Ted Talk by model, Cameron Russell, where she talked about image. One of the first things she did after beginning her talk was to change from a fitted, little black dress and dressy high heels into something more casual and more of an ‘everyday girl’ look. She said, “I just totally transformed what you thought of me in six seconds”. She explained; something that we all know – especially women - that, “how we look has a huge impact on our lives”. She also explained her belief that “fearless means being honest”. In order to show her fearlessness, she answered the questions everyone always asks her but with an honest twist.
The first question, she explained, usually being, “How did you become a model” – answer 1 – “I was scouted” but that the honest answer is really, “I won a genetic lottery” [by being tall, and slender]. She said that she was barely a woman; hadn't hit puberty yet, when she started modelling, and that she’d never been with a man when she posed for a rather erotic looking photo of she and a man together - that she’d never had a boyfriend in real life, at that point. She explained that she had to be told by the photographer how to pose - to arch her back and put her hand in his hair – to make it look sexy. She also stated that she’d not even had her period yet, when she posed for the first picture taken of her as a model, in a bikini. She also explained that it was the first time she had ever worn a bikini.
With the next question, she explained that what she and other models were often asked was, “do they re-touch all the photos”. She answered, “yes, they do – they are not pictures of me; they’re ‘constructions’, by a group of professionals, by hairstylists and make-up artists, and photographers and stylists and all of their assistants and pre-production and post-production, and they build this. That’s not me”. She then went on to explain that she gets, “free things for how [she] looks”, and that, “there are people paying a cost for how they look”. She said, that when doing research for this talk, she had learned that, “of the 13-year-old girls in the US, 53% of them don’t like their bodies, and that number goes to 78% by the time they are 17”. She explained that having shinier hair or thinner thighs won’t make a difference because she (like most models) is insecure, anyway. Suggesting that she, doesn’t feel as beautiful as how this team of professionals make her look in the photos – just like most of the rest of the women in the world. Just like I’ve been most of my life, despite the fact that I am actually quite pretty.
I don't say this from a place of arrogance; on the contrary, I've been insecure just like her, most of my life. I say this from a place of confidence; a place that has taken me forty-nine years to occupy, and that comes at a time when I am the oldest I’ve ever been, have more grey hairs than I’ve ever had, and show more signs of aging than I’ve ever shown. A place that has taken me most of my life to come to and occupy because of these ridiculous beauty standards our society has created; one’s where, even the most beautiful, tall and slender women in the world still need make-up artists, photographers and other professionals to make the end result look this beautiful.
Where the end result is a piece of artwork but not a real woman. Where our beauty standards are set by these ‘artists’, instead of by us. She’s not saying anything new. I am not saying anything new, either. These things have been said so many times, by so many people; everyday women and celebrities, alike have all advocated for a change in our beauty standards. Some, like Demi Lavato, have gone as far as to show their ‘real face’ through videos like the one below, where she removes all of the things that apparently make her, “beautiful”, by societal standards.
Some have advocated for and even introduced, “plus-sized models”. The problem with that, is that we’re calling them, “plus-sized models”, instead of, “models”, which is saying, someone can still be beautiful when they’re overweight but that being overweight doesn’t afford them the privilege of being what would be considered a true representation of ‘beautiful’ by societal beauty standards.
It’s funny, when I was researching the definition of a plus-sized model and what ‘size’ constitutes plus-sized, I came across the great plus-sized debate. That being, is it healthy to be plus-sized. Every single one, highlighting that first; they believe everyone size 10 and over to be plus-sized, and that everyone over a size 10 is then considered obese. That, by being obese (so, size 10 and up) you put your health at risk. There is no mention of, or consideration for those who are over a size 10 but are fit and work out regularly. There is no consideration for those who are fit, functionally fit, muscular, or who; despite the fact that they run and or workout several times a week still don't have the body type that is considered beautifu. The tall and slender ideal, that society says 'beauty' is.
Funny thing is, what is never mentioned throughout these debates is that skinny doesn’t mean healthy. That, some are anorexic or bulimic, and not getting the appropriate nutrients they need to feed their organs, skin, hair, brain, etc. Or, that being thin doesn’t mean fit either. That, it’s actually just as unhealthy (and in some cases more so) to be thin but not fit; that if you’re not working out regularly and you’re that thin, that all of your fat is actually stored around your major organs and can cause more damage than that of fat stored in other areas of your body; in my case, on my ass.
The term, “plus-sized”, simply implies that you don’t fit within the size requirements of a normal model; plus-sized being anything over a size 10. All it’s really suggesting is that if you’re bigger than a size 10; even though the average size of women in North America is 16 to 18, you are “plus-sized” aka “fat”, but you’re ‘pretty’ or you ‘have a pretty face’.
I remember being told that, when I was a teenager. As someone who always had large thighs and powerhouse glutes; something that made me a great gymnast and sprinter but didn’t allow me to fit within the tall, slender standard of beauty, I consistently heard things like, “you’d be pretty if your ass was smaller”, or, “you have a pretty face, it’s a shame you couldn’t lose that ass”. It’s no wonder I was bulimic for so long; no wonder I hated my body so much. I even had a gymnastics coach body shame me for having a such a big ass; ironically, the very thing that allowed me the ability to do the tumbling required to win competitions.
None of this is new, it’s all been said over and over again, and yet, nothing has changed. Our beauty standard remains the same because our models remain the same. Our society’s overall self-confidence remains the same; body dysmorphia, self-criticism and self-loathing, because our beauty standards remain the same.
It’s taken me forty-nine years, a few suicide attempts, innumerable losses, illness and injury and the realization that life is short and none of this shit really matters, to get to the point where I no longer care what I look like. If someone finds me attractive, they do. If they don’t, they don’t. I’ve even recently started letting my grey hair come in, naturally and not ‘touching it up’ with dyes. I’ve recently starting eating for health and wellness, instead of for the purpose of being thin and ‘beautiful’. I’ve also, recently started going through old pictures of myself, realizing that regardless of my size, there isn’t a single picture taken of me where I actually like my body. Most of them, even when I was a size 3, I actually thought I looked ‘fat’ in.
Realizing that the body dysmorphia that I have always had, doesn’t allow me to see a clear or concise true representation of what I look like no matter how thin or, ‘not thin’ I am so, what’s the point of dwelling on my size anyway? Realizing that we all see ourselves in the same way; body dysmorphia or not. We all see ourselves through distorted mirrors, in part created by society and their idea of what beauty is supposed to look like. Realizing that, if my mirror is broken and I cannot see a true representation of what I look like, then maybe it’s time to stop looking. Maybe it’s simply enough to be healthy; a concept that I tried to sell to clients, when I was a personal trainer but never truly bought into, myself until recently. I hadn't bought into it because of the unrealistic standard of beauty that we all buy and sell. Because no one is ever satisfied with how they look or how other’s look. And, because we are all overly critical, both of ourselves and of others. But a concept that I now, finally understand and embrace."
I’ve started trying to see myself through others’ eyes; those who love and care for me, and those who see my true self, and see my beauty, anyway. Trying to allow myself the same leeway and compassion and empathy that I allow for and I show to others. I've started ignoring the naysayers; including my own inner voice who sometimes likes to be cruel and judgemental like those in the above video. I've started trying to fix my inner mirror to reflect what I really look like, and not care about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve come a long way in how I view myself, and I know that I have more work to do but I’m so much better now that I’ve ‘got real’ about me.
