In Restless Dreams I Walk Alone (was the title but I've changed it to, "Sound of Silence")
"Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping. Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain. Still remains. Within the sound of silence." - Original lyrics by Simon and Garfunkel, "Sound of Silence"
My PTSD Diagnosis
I sat down to pen this blog post this morning after having been recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); a diagnosis resulting from my first-hand traumas, vicarious traumas and all of my sexual traumas - historic and more recent. After I'd had more nightmares last night, again. Nightmares that I’d not experienced in months until after my latest loss; until my newest itching to start over again with something healthier. After my renewed commitment to listening to the universe to help me decipher what my next steps would be. I penned a thousand words about my traumas and losses and how I’d always known that I’d had darkness inside me; from as far back as I could remember. How I’d known that this darkness existed; how I’d acknowledged it, sat with it and, at times even (almost) let it consume me. How I’d always known it existed because of what I’d experienced, and what I’d witnessed throughout my life; both first hand and vicariously.
"In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone. 'Neath the halo of a streetlamp. I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light. That split the night. And touched the sound of silence" - Original lyrics by Simon and Garfunkel, "Sound of Silence"
I penned a thousand words; about how I’d worked so hard on myself; worked to fight this darkness and to find the light that I needed inside myself to be that beacon light for myself and others; to help us out of this darkness when things got black. I penned these words, and was just about to share them with you, when things went sideways again. Things went black.
A thousand words penned to explain to you how it was for me, seeing and experiencing these things, and how I had managed to keep going. How I’d cared for myself throughout all of this darkness. It was sad, beautiful, raw and real; or so I thought. As I went to save it, it disappeared. All of my words and sentiments, swallowed up by the universe; in this case, the word editor within my blog. All of these words; gone. I screamed and cried and threw my fists in the air and thought, “I picked the perfect music video to go along with this post; this IS the sound of silence”. I searched my caches for any bit of it that may have been saved, but nothing. I tried re-writing them and couldn’t remember any of what I’d written. Both, “brains” had done a complete and total information dump.
I got a text from my Real Estate Agent; we were supposed to look at two homes today, telling me that the one I liked most had sold last night. Every single house that I’d wanted to look at with her had sold before we’d had a chance to even look at them. All but the ones like the one I’m in now – century homes that required a great deal of maintenance that I could no longer do by myself. I was getting angrier by the minute. I could feel my blood pressure rising and the ringing started again, in my ears. My head, started to ache. I went to make myself another coffee, and the cream was spoiled. It spoiled the remainder of the coffee I had made earlier in my French Press. I thought, “do I make another one and drink it without cream, or is the universe trying to tell me something?”.
"And the people bowed and prayed. To the neon god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning. In the words that it was forming. And the sign said, "The words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls. And whispered in the sounds of silence." - Original lyrics by Simon and Garfunkel, "Sound of Silence"
The darkness was saying, “hello” again but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I was going to give up. And, then I realized that I was literally doing exactly what I was suggesting I didn’t do anymore; what I would suggest you do/not do, as well. I was dwelling in the darkness. I was angry that I’d lost what I thought I needed to share with you; about my life, and my struggle and about my latest diagnosis. But I had shared, I guess. I’d shared it with the universe. It was somewhere out there. Someone or something would see it, or hear it. Maybe it didn’t matter whether or not I shared it with you, as long as I shared it. Maybe it didn’t matter if you knew that I had recently been diagnosed with PTSD. Maybe it only mattered that I finally knew and acknowledged what I’d always assumed and not wanted to acknowledge. Maybe it was me that I needed to explain it to. Me that needed to hear what I thought about all of this; how I needed this darkness to find and acknowledge my own light, how I needed to find the balance between the two. Maybe I needed to sit with this darkness, listen to the sound of silence (both the song and the silence, itself), and figure out what it was trying to tell me.
Maybe you needed to see and hear how I’m not all sunshine and rainbows, myself, either. Despite my education, training and career experience in the helping profession; that I have dark days, as well. That I experience nightmares and sit a little too long in the dark sometimes. That I struggle finding balance sometimes, as well. That I acknowledge that, when the universe is telling you something and you don’t listen, that it screams at you like it’s doing to me today. And, that when you don’t listen; to the universe or your inner voice (call it what you may), things get hard. And, when things are hard, maybe they’re not meant to be.
When a thousand words vanish into the universe, maybe they’re not meant to be shared. When the house you really like sells before you get a chance to even look at it, maybe it’s not meant for you either. And, maybe despite your latest, “news”, you are going to be okay. But, maybe you should start listening to the universe to decipher the message it’s trying to give you and to see what, “okay” looks like.