Let it Go
"Tryna push this problem up the hill When it's just too heavy to hold. Think now is the time to let it slide" ~ James Bay, "Let it Go"
Sometimes holding on seems like the easiest solution but often causes the most grief when something no longer fits you. Holding onto something that isn't meant for your or doesn't fit you can overwhelm you and cause you pain or discomfort. Letting go takes enormous strength but is most often what brings you the most peace.
This past year feels like some kind of exercise in patience and a huge learning curve for me. Like, I've been trying on experiences and relationships like someone does, clothing when shopping for something that fits them, looks good on them and gives them joy to wear. I feel as though, after so long being alone; like without that comfy pair of leggings or warm sweater that fits so well, I've been aching to try on new things to see if I can find something that brings me the same joy; comfort, and warmth. I've tried on a few new things; buying my dream home, being a fur parent, dating, travel and even one attempt at an [almost] relationship for a bit. Some have brought me comfort and joy, and others, like the new leaves that come in on the trees every spring, covered what needed covering for the 'season' in which I needed them. Some, I had to shed like the tree's leaves. Some, I tried desparately to hold onto; even though they didn't fit me and some, even caused me pain and discomfort.
I said, in an earlier blog post, "I've been pressing my ear against the door of the universe for some time now". I've been feeling great discomfort in my life and experiencing alot of anxiety about what is to come. I've been trying to decipher the messages that I'm hearing by making small changes and doing things that bring me peace or joy and discarding those that don't; or that cause me further pain and discomfort. One of the things that has been a huge stressor lately has been my living situation. I've not felt at home in my own home (my dream home that I bought for me, alone and was so proud of) for some time now.
At first I thought that it was because of all of the travel I'd been doing; that I was experiencing the 'after vacation depression', or that I was feeling squeezed and choked by all of the responsibilities of owning and maintaining a heritage home. Particularly considering my inability to do most of the tasks and work by myself because of all of my injuries, and the cost associated with these tasks when you have to hire someone else to do them. Then, after X came to stay for a fortnight, I thought it was because I was missing him and that, his lingering energy was causing me anxiety. That, if he wasn't here I didn't want to be either. I considered that, maybe I needed to live somewhere else completely; a different town, city, country or even continent. That, instead of just travelling to and vacationing in my favourite places across the Atlantic, that maybe I needed to live in one of those places. I'd felt that sense of belonging both, in Scotland and in North Carolina; in fact, I experienced a 'sign' of sorts in Raleigh with the witnessing of a bright neon sign (created by someone with my own family name), stating, "you belong here", and thought, "that's not a sign, it's a kick in the ass by the universe if I've ever seen one", but still didn't know what to do.
I'd returned home from my last trip; Raleigh, with a new outlook on things. That I was going to downsize my life and simplify things to allow me to travel and explore more. That, I'd loved my experiences and that the road was still calling me to join it in further healing journeys like Ireland, Scotland and North Carolina had all been for me (multiple times each, over three years). However, I returned home to more responsibility, more frustration, more confusion and more desperation to shed myself of the things that were either holding me back, weighing me down or restricting me from doing and being exactly what I needed to be happy.
X had come into the equation again, despite that I'd tried to let him go while I was in Raleigh, for my own sanity. I loved him but I hated the way I felt and didn't want to maintain false hopes for something that might never come to pass. Out of respect for his privacy, I'll not detail anymore of our communications but suffice it to say, it was decided that it was a good idea for us both to take time and space to figure out our own lives; needs, desires, healing journeys. We both had things in our lives that needed attention and neither of us were yet, in a position to make such an enormous life change that moving to or from another continent would entail. At one point, I had thought this decision would be enough to feel, 'right' and 'at home' again in my own surroundings but all it served to do was to make me re-think everything; home, work, education and future endeavours. I needed a major life change.
I'd already flirted with the idea of selling my house, and I'd even attended an open house the previous weekend; which turned out to be the catalyst in and for, yet another major decision I needed to make. While at this open house, I met a lovely young girl, the Real Estate Agent who was hosting the open house, and decided to no longer, "firt with" the idea of selling, buying a new home and moving, but to bite the bullet and just start the process. So, I started looking at new places (in the area) online and sent her listings I wanted to see. I also made a list of everything that I needed to do to prepare this place for sale and started working away slowly at doing them. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted, and I hadn't even sold the place or moved yet. The very idea of downsizing; discarding things that were choking me or holding me back, and of starting anew with fewer bills, less responsibility and more freedom was already bringing me joy.
Some would say, "but it's your dream home... dream life... dream job... why would you let go of it/them?" But just as I've said before; I bought it, lived it, experienced it, owned it. In the case of my dream career; I worked for it, I lived it, experienced it, and it broke me. I didn't want my dream home to break me too. I wanted fond memories of having had it like I finally had of my dream career (but had had to work really hard to let go of and see in this light). I dreamed it, I lived it and now I had to let go of it, like I had the career.
Like I said, sometimes holding on seems easier but like trying to squeeze into an article of clothing that no longer fits you, it can suffocate you and cause you great discomfort. Letting go or shedding what no longer suits you or fits with you and your life is difficult in the beginning, and as I said, takes enormous strength but brings you the most peace. Letting go; like the trees do each fall when they let go of the leaves they no longer need, makes room for new things that will ultimately come into your life in the next season and fill your life with something that suits you more, or fits you more comfortably.
So, I'm off to look at houses today, and then I'll be back to do some more downsizing. Stay tuned for the miminalisation chronicles that will likely follow.
Wake Me up When September Ends
“As my memory rests. But never forgets what I lost” - Green Day, “Wake Me up When September Ends”.
I drove by my former mother-in-law’s house the other day; J’s Mom and Grandmother’s house, on my way back from looking at houses in the area. Both, Mom and Grandma passed away several years ago now, and were J’s first real losses. As I drove by, I noticed the house looked to be in the exact shape it was in the last time I was there (when they were both still alive). In fact, J’s Mom’s Jeep was still in the driveway and her plate, registered in her name when she was living, was still affixed to the front bumper of the vehicle. I felt a pain in my stomach and heart for a man, who had cheated on me and cheated me out of everything we had tried to build together when he left; and yet, I felt compassion and empathy for him.
I know we all grieve differently. I am painfully aware of how I grieve, since I’ve had far too much experience doing so. But this seemed one of the saddest of all. When J and I broke up I couldn’t watch GOT anymore because it was something that we had shared, together. I remember when I first knew that he had cheated; because he had started watching PVR’d episodes without me, instead of waiting for me to come home from Petawawa. Then, after X left, I had a hard time listening to songs, singers and bands that we had listened to together; mostly, Coldplay and Frank Sinatra. It was hard but after I went to Ireland and saw, firsthand some of the filming locations for GOT, I came back with a renewed interest in the show and watched the entire series all the way through – more than once. I felt the healing happening as I watched it without any emotional attachment associated with J and I, with the show. It’s still difficult for me to listen to Coldplay and Sinatra. I’ll know when I start to heal though, when I can listen to this music without the pain I feel in my heart right now; just like I can now watch GOT without it hurting now.
Like I said, we all grieve differently and on our own timeline. When I drove by Mom and Grandma’s house, and saw the Jeep there, I thought, “this is how he is dealing and coping with the loss of his mother”, as so many people I know have done in the past. Pretending like they’re still there, or trying to hang onto their energy. I was guilty of that with my most recent loss, X. I know it seems very different because X didn’t die, he just went home but a loss is a loss and grief is grief and you never know how it will affect you and your life. When he left, I left my bed the way it was when he was there, and left my office as he’d left it. A lot of people do the same thing, where they leave a coat hanging on the coat rack where their loved one left it, or a sweater draped over a chair, or blanket on the couch, as it was before they left. Whether they died or left the country, like X. They do this so that it feels like they are still around.
I guessed that this was the premise for leaving the house in the same order (at least what I could see as I passed it from the road), and leaving Mom’s Jeep in the driveway, parked as though she had just come home for the day. It made me sad. Sad for him, despite the way things had ended with us and the way he had treated me throughout our separation period. And, sad for me because it brought it all back to the surface for me, again. It reminded me of this loss and so many others before her and since her. I had lost so many people throughout the years. I had lost she, and her Mom and sister all within a few years of one another. Three exceptionally strong women, who for better or worse, had a huge impact on me and my life, at one time. Since I drove by and saw this; since it was all brought back to the surface for me, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and darkness.
Looking at homes in the area, taking strolls down memory lane was enough, in itself to bring back memories of lives I’d lived, people I’d love and those I’d lost while living in this city. That experience was, yet another reminder of this. I started questioning if I could even stay here; where I’d been married to three husbands, raised five kids, loved and lost so many. A place with so many ghosts attached to it, that I could barely breathe sometimes, even though I called it my hometown. I was going through a major transition in my life, yet again. The third in three years, and the tenth in ten. I had some decisions to make; about where I really wanted to buy another house when and if I sold this one. If I wanted to buy another house, at all. What I wanted to do with the time I had left on this earth; settle down and live a quiet life or continue to travel and explore; or both, at the same time? I didn’t know what the answer was, or would be but I knew that I couldn’t stay somewhere that elicited this much sadness and anxiety from me.
Yellow - For You I Bled Myself Dry
"I swam across. I jumped across for you. Oh what a thing to do. 'Cause you were all yellow." - "Yellow", by Coldplay
I said in an earlier post, that because I've lost so many people; because I've become an unofficial expert at grief and loss, that I always know when I'm beginning to feel a little better. When it hurts too much to look a picture, listen to a song or specific band, visit a place or watch a movie or show that reminds me of the person I've lost or who I'm grieving for, for one reason or another, then I'm not ready and need more time to process and let go. When I can look at the picture, visit the place, watch the movie or show, or, in this case listen to the song or band that reminds me of the person then I know I'm starting to heal. I had written about X, and how it had been difficult for me to listen to Coldplay because of the memories their songs elicited from me after he left. Right after I wrote that post, I went to my regular music night; walked in the door, and the house band was playing, "Yellow" by Coldplay. And I felt nothing.
"For you I'd bleed myself dry" - "Yellow", by Coldplay
I wasn't sure if it was because of a recent spat we'd had, where he was angry with me for an earlier blog post. One that he felt painted him as a villian for not knowing what he wanted. Or, if it was that I was just 'over it' and needing to move forward. Either way, it didn't really matter. I felt nothing, and as sad as that was, it was better for me and my mental health than continuing to grieve yet, another loss. Continuing to feel the weight of missing him; missing what we'd had, brief as it was, or missing what we could have had. Continuing to feel the heartache and emotional pain of not having what I thought it could be, at that time. Continuing to cry myself to sleep, and having anxiety attacks when I awoke and he wasn't there. I'd cried enough tears to fill the ocean that separated us. I'd primal screamed so much that my throat was raw. I'd thought of every possibility that existed; all changes I could make in my life to have him in mine, somehow. Now, I felt nothing. I was numb to it all. I'd bled myself dry for him, and there was no coming back from it.
I'd decided to put my house on the market, in part for him. I had made this decision based on my own inability to do the work that needed doing and on the fact that I couldn't really afford to keep it, as it stood by myself without help. He didn't want to move here unless we lived somewhere else. Partly because, with his health as it was, and my health and strength compromised as well, he didn't want to live with me in a house that needed work. Also, because he wanted something that was both of ours. I understood that, and agreed that it made sense; however, I'd unwittingly allowed him to take part in a major decision-making process because of how I thought he felt about me/us. Because of how I thought I felt about him.
I realized how many times I had done this in my life. How many huge compromises I had made for those I loved, or thought I loved. I realized how many decisions I had made to make others comfortable, or to give them what they wanted or needed; how few times I had made a decision with only me, in mind - me and my children, at least. Even this house had been somewhat of a joint decision. Not so much a compromise, as it was my dream home but a decision made because of one of my kids and their needs. I didn't mind having my decisions swayed or affected for the purpose of helping one or all of my children because they were and will always be my biggest priority; however, this decision again, hadn't been solely mine.
The decision to sell, downsize and to move, yet again needed to be mine and mine alone this time. All decisions affecting my life needed to be solely mine; at least until there was someone worth compromising for. Someone willing to compromise for me, as well. Someone ready, willing and able to be a part of my life in such a way that my decisions affected their life, as well; and theirs, mine. In the meantime, I needed to listen to myself for the time being and listen to the universe, instead of listening to someone else who was only willing to be a part of my life with conditions.
"Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do" - "Yellow", by Coldplay
I needed to keep pressing my ear against the door of the universe. I needed to look at the stars and see how they shone for me, and what they were trying to tell me. I needed to continue loving myself, caring for myself and putting myself first. And, if I were to find someone I wanted to be with, and were I to enter into another relationship with them, I needed to wait for the one who would love me the same way I loved myself; unconditionally and without expectations. Someone who wouldn't bleed me dry and who wouldn't make me swim across and jump across for them, if they weren't willing to do the same for me.