A Different Side of Me
"Soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be..." - Unwell, Matchbox Twenty
While attening my Functional Capacity Testing today, (part of the required testing to determine if I fit into the "Diminished Capacity" category for pension benefits) as requested by Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC) I had a mini breakdown. I was asked to lift a fifteen pound crate, turn and walk with it. I tried, and I couldn't do it and, instead of trying again (like the tenacious me would have done so many times in the past), I just burst into tears and slowly walked back into the treatment room, head down and feeling defeated. The Physiotherapist/Ergonomist followed me into the treatment room to check on my well-being, which only made me cry harder. She asked if I was okay, and enquired as to what had set me off. So, I explained to her that I had always been 'strong'. A Mom of five for a decade (two step-children), and single Mom of three children (my own three) for a number of years before and after the other two came into my life. I was a survivor, a fighter, a mentor, a teacher, a police officer and a soldier. I had always been strong and independent. Always been capable of defying odds and achieving more than my history, body type and physical strength, age, gender, or opportunities in life dictated that I should be capable of. I was also, always capable of doing things on my own, and now I was broken and dependent on others because of illness and injury. Because of a career I had chosen.
She listened empathetically; with sincerity and deep concern, and suggested that I didn't always have to be physically strong. She said, that we often think we are travelling alone, but that everyone has someone willing to help us our this journey. This resonated strongly with me because, when I look back on my life; trials and tribulations, joys and achievements, losses and grief, and gains and abundance, alike there was always someone, somewhere near me to be a part of it - even it they weren't right by my side. Alone, but not lonely. Solo, but not completely abandoned. She also shared her thoughts on what I had done, and how I was feeling about this career; that I had done something out of the norm for a 40+ year old, and that I had lived my dream and lived to tell the story.
After I left the office to drive the forty-five minutes home, I pondered her ideas, and continued with her train of thought. I started thinking how, that even though I have always thought of myself as strong and independent, I never saw myself as well until the past couple of years since my illness and injuries. That, throughout my struggles and the ensuing chaos in my life, I always felt like something needed 'fixing' or 'healing' until now. And I realized that it wasn't until I was on my journey to being 'well' that I realized how 'unwell' I had always been. I realized that it was possible to be 'strong'; tough it out, power through and soldier on, without being 'well'. And, that often, it was the powering through the trials that created this 'unwellness' in me - in everyone. I realized that most people were the same.
That, most people were never quite 'well'. Especially those with complex backgrounds, unresolved traumas, or compound stressors. Most people 'power through' adversity with strength and tenacity but it's one hell of a psychological and emotional workout. And, just as a physical workout leaves you tired and in need of rest and repair after you're done, so does a psychological or emotional workout. You can't be well if you workout 24/7 without rest and recovery. You can't 'power through' physical workouts without the rest, recovery, proper sleep, nutrition, hydration and hygiene practices. And, it's the same with psychological workouts. You need to allow yourself time and practices that help you to heal; rest and recovery, sleep, proper nutrition and hydration - for the mind, body and soul. If you don't, you're not well. You're just strong. You need balance.
I realized that I was strong and had always been but that was all I had been up until recently. It wasn't until my journey to wellness that I realized that I was unwell. It wasn't until I suffered injury and illness that I realized that I needed to be well. I didn't truly know what wellness looked like. It took illness and injury to help me realize what wellness looked like. It took finally being well; albeit broken and scarred, to realize that I had never been so well - that I had always been unwell.
So, I could no longer lift fifteen pounds without modification and/or assistance. I couldn't run 10 kms a day or remain in my career as a police officer anymore. I couldn't do my own home and yard maintenance, alone either. But I had lifted hundreds of pounds, run hundreds, of thousands of kms and I had lived my dream of being a police officer. Like she had said to me today; I may be more broken and less physically fit and capable now than when I started that journey but I took the journey and I did what many others hadn't. I was broken but I was well, finally. And, since I had lost so much throughout that journey, I finally appreciated what I had remaining. And, that I was well enough to recognize it. That, I may be physically broken and scarred but I was finally in balance and truly well.