Love Song - by The Cure
Love Song by The Cure
My favourite song is and has always been, "Love Song" by The Cure. Having been a Cure fan since 1981, it makes sense that their lyrics have affected me and my life so dramatically. They've seen me through so much and will never know how many times they have helped to save my sanity, inspired me, and in some cases, saved my life. "Love Song" is one such song. This, and "Somebody" by Depeche Mode have been the soundtrack in the background of my love life and search for a soul mate my entire life.
"Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am HOME again Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am WHOLE again
Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am YOUNG again Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am FUN again"
Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am FREE again Whenever I’m alone with you You make me feel like I am CLEAN again"
I had always felt that some people could make me feel like I was home, some could make me feel whole. Others could make me feel young, and fun; few made me feel free, and until recently, I'd never felt clean.
I had always dreamed of finding that one person who made me feel all of these things when I was alone with them. Never realizing that the most blessed of all of us can find all of these things within ourselves; and can feel like home, whole, young, fun, free and clean – when we are alone with ourselves. But I guess it's not really luck. It's work.
Those of us who spend time alone, and work hard at being our true and authentic selves, and work at knowing, loving and caring for ourselves, only we, can find this within ourselves.
Home Again
After I was medically 'retired' from the Military Police and had moved back 'home', I had done little to connect with old friends. I had gone out once or twice but mostly, spent all my time between school and home, doing homework. It was my only source of meaning and purpose so, I poured everything I had into it. Until the college went on strike and I was forced to find ways of filling my time in a healthier manner. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was broken; body, mind and spirit. That, all that I had been through recently and because of my military service had not only damaged me but also exacerbated the existing damage that had been done by my origin family, and all of my subsequent relationships, losses and betrayals. The thought of connecting with others in this state was not only scary but a little futile. I didn’t feel that I was in a position to give anything to anyone else yet. I still barely had enough for myself.
I'd suffered so much and lost so much. I'd experienced so many losses - friends, family, both parents, and in-laws had died; partners and family members and friends had left, job loss and of course, complete loss of meaning and purpose througout the years following joining the military. I needed to rebuild. Which is why 'home' seemed like a good option. It seemed like a good place to heal.
It seemed however; that, every time I had experienced another loss, trauma or tragic event, it only served to bring all of the other ones that had occurred throughout my lifetime right back to the surface. Things I thought I had dealt with or at least begun to process. But apparently some things stay buried so deep that you don’t even realize they exist anymore – until you do!
All of my trauma, vicarious and secondary trauma and of course, re-traumatization throughout my military service had taken its toll on my already tormented psyche which was part of what forced me to be alone for a very long time after my last husband, J left me. That, and as a copper, it was difficult to find someone who wasn't either a fellow copper - which meant just as broken and rarely committal - or someone I hadn't arrested or had negative dealings with in my capacity as a first repsonder.Also, I recognized that I had some very serious work to do on myself and didn't really want to burden anyone else with that.
Everyone says love yourself like it’s that easy but how can you love yourself if you don’t know yourself? You don’t fall in love with someone you don’t know – not real and lasting love, anyway. You spend time with them, date them and get to know them. You learn what they bring to the table and you learn of their value. Then you either love them forever, or forever for now, or you don’t love them at all.
Those you don’t love, or who you fall out of love with, might be willing to do some work to make them more lovable again – or at all. So, should be the way with you, yourself. You spend time with you. You date you, get to know you and learn your value. You either like this person or not – you love yourself or not. If there are parts of you that you consider unlovable, then you do some work on those parts. You do the work to make you more loveable to and for you, first and foremost.
Once you do the work and you accept and value yourself; bad and weak bits and all – then you are ready for a true and lasting relationship with yourself. At that point, you can choose to add someone else to the equation or not. Not someone who completes you but who complements you or who adds to your life. You now know,value and love yourself enough to know what you bring to the relationship, at this point and won’t settle for anything less than what you deserve – an equal partner who brings the same and who feels the same about themselves. Who know their own value and accept and value both, themselves and you, equally.
That is the ‘dream’ that everyone is looking for and dreams can come true but you have to work for them. There is an art to relationships, just as there is [an art] to aloneness.
I'd been alone a long time, and had only done a small portion of the work because I had spent some of that time making poor decisions; unhealthy relationships, casual sex and promiscuous behaviour, unhealthy coping and alot of darkness. Now that I was home, I needed to start working on this art - I needed to write my own love song; about myself and for myself.
Only You
“There are two basic motivating forces; fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others…” – John Lennon
Everything begins with you – not others. Others cannot fulfill you, cannot fill you up. You have to fill yourself. The problem is, you cannot fill something without something to fill it with; like the idea that you cannot drink from an empty cup. In order to have something to give, you need to know what it is you are giving and know yourself enough to do so. And to do this, you have to give, first, to yourself and to love and care for yourself.
Self-love – includes self-care. Self-love means self-awareness, self-care, self-efficacy and self-esteem. There is no self-care without self-awareness. Self-awareness comes from doing things – things you love, things you hate, things that scare you and then things that make you uncomfortable. From experimenting with this to get to know yourself. And then you need to start doing the things that make you more you with everything you do, and every time you do them. So, I put myself ‘out there’ and started doing things that brought me peace and joy.
Being
It’s truly amazing how a random stranger can have such an impact on you without even realizing. How someone can reach out to you and through you - and touch your soul without even seeing you.
It was the first day after so many days in the dark that I saw light. It was a simple thing really, a random stranger who danced to the music without any inhibitions and without even looking around to see who was looking at him or caring whether or not anyone was looking. I was inspired and amazed at the confidence and carefree nature of this simple act. Dancing with a woman in front of so many people and not even being concerned with who was looking. Then after the dance, went and looked out over the water, as I have done so many times – pondering? Meditating? Contemplating his next move? I had no idea. As far as I knew he was content.
It wasn’t until I reached out to him that I realized that his life was also in a state of flux like my own. That his soul was also experiencing a darkness that I had been immersed in so very recently, myself – that he was also looking for answers in the light of the day, and dreading the darkness that night would bring when he was alone again, facing the demons of the previous days and nights. It was his new beginning, as well. His awakening.
Much like myself, he was struggling to find the meaning once again. Struggling to find hope for a better tomorrow, where the monsters didn’t come out at night and where he could find peace and solace within something better than what he had been facing daily since he and his partner had parted ways.
He was an inspiring man. Even throughout his darkest hour, he unknowingly brought hope to the hopeless and peace to the tormented. The simplest act of dancing with a stranger, in front of another stranger – something he would not even realize he had done until later – brought light to someone who had been swallowed whole by her own dark thoughts and illusions. The most amazing part about him, was that he didn’t even realize, himself what he did for others; simply by being – being present – being himself – being. He didn’t even realize he was being himself; just by not staying, not accepting, not fully changing or compromising himself for someone else.
I needed to take a lesson from him and learn to be mindful and truly 'present' in the moment, to get as much out each moment as possible. I needed to learn to see the beauty in everything, and to eat life. I needed to learn to love myself and to 'be', unapologetically and unabashedly, me - like him. I needed to cast aside self-doubt and self-destructive behaviours, and live. And that is precisely what I decided to do. One adventure at a time.
Fuck It List and Other Acts of Letting Go
Toxic People and My Fuck It List
The only self-help books I’ve seen that have truly been of value to me have the word ‘fuck’ in their title; “Unfuck Yourself”, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, “I Used to Be a Miserable Fuck”, etc. Books with the word fuck seem to be selling, and people who use the word fuck like it’s a life changing word are actually changing lives. With that in mind, I’ve written my own ‘Fuck-it’ List – because ‘Bucket Lists’ are great and all because they are all about what you want.
But you can’t have a ‘Bucket List’ without a ‘Fuck-it List’; because knowing what you want is important but knowing what you don’t want, is just as important and one cannot exist without the other. So, I compiled both, a ‘Bucket List’ and a ‘Fuck-it List’ of my own so I could decide my next steps in moving forward through letting go and holding on.
My bucket list consisted of places I wanted to travel; Scotland, Ireland, North Carolina, East Coast of Canada (again), India. And things I wanted to learn; Counselling, Mediation, Spanish, drumming. Things I wanted to do; attend a One Tree Hill convention and meet the people who have unknowingly changed my life through their art, drive through the Scottish Highlands, buy a house, find a new tribe, act in more plays, write a book or start a blog (or both), teach again and direct a play (all of which I have done over the past few years; with exception of travelling to India and the east coast, and directing a play - but I've Stage Managed and ASM'd three - and I still need to go to India and learn to drum.
Next, I created my - apparently much more comprehensive - ‘Fuck-it List’
This included saying a big hearty, "Fuck-it" to the following people, places, things, thoughts and behaviours;
Self-loathing
Negative self-talk
Negative people
Self-harming behaviours
Addictions
Energy sucking vampires
Energy sucking jobs, hobbies and other time-wasting activities
Bad attitudes; yours and others
Feeling shitty
Acting shitty
Crappy relationships and settling
Crappy food
Things that suck the life out of you
Clutter – in your home and in your life and mind
People who treat you like shit
Allowing people who treat you like shit to affect how you feel about yourself
Living in the past
Living in the future
Not understanding the beauty and happiness that exists in each moment and experience
Undervaluing yourself or selling yourself short
Settling – jobs, relationships, friends, lifestyle
Not having fur babies
Not appreciating what you have
Coveting others’ lives
Not realizing others covet your life – your home, family, job, career, education, opportunities, talent, creativity, your kids, your friends, fitness level, intelligence, beauty, hair, body, etc.
Not enjoying your drive to work
Taking short cuts – either in life, work, or on your journeys
Not taking the scenic route – through life or on a journey or travel
Not buying the dress, eating the cheesecake, having the wine, taking the trip, talking to the person you like, or dating someone you love spending time; saving yourself for a rainy day or retirement
Waiting for life to begin
Isolating yourself
Not believing in yourself and your abilities - proper self-esteem and self-efficacy
Not allowing yourself to be happy – or even realize where happiness exists – within the moments – some people seem to be comfortable being unwell, unhappy and uninspired.
It’s easier to stay where it’s comfortable than it is to venture out and try to find what 'happy' really looks like, what 'well' looks like. It seems that it will take too much work to be happy and well – but what people don’t realize, is that it actually takes more work to be unhappy and unwell.
I was unfortunately fortunate enough, because of all of my inumerable losses, to both see and understand loss, grief and attachment. It taught me alot about what was worth holding onto, and what was important to let go of. Now, all I needed to do was to figure out how to do that.
I started by scratching off items on my Bucket List, beginning with Ireland.
Belfast
Broke the Bonds and Loosened the Chains - Alone
I was medically discharged from the Canadian Military on August 23, 2017. I was divorced and had no-one to answer to; including the Queen, any longer and I had a couple of bucks, (or in this case, pounds) in my pocket and no responsibilities outside of my day to day routine to worry about for a few weeks. I'd never really travelled, especially not on my own. I had never even been on a plane. So, I took a look at my Bucket List and decided to scratch off one of the biggest items on it - travel to Scotland and Ireland. My daughter was in Europe and the UK for the summer on an agricultural exchange so, I looked at her schedule - where she would be when I was available to travel there - and decided on Ireland so I could meet her there. So, I bought a plane ticket and booked accommodations in an Airbnb, and less than a week later was on a plane to Ireland - alone.
I flew out of Toronto, to Dublin - a seven hour flight. Then I took a two hour bus ride to Belfast, where I met a man who was an extra in Game of Thrones. I arrived in Belfast hungry and exhausted, checked in to my room and then went exploring.
Soon after, I found myself in a pub on Ormeau Road, where I quickly made friends with the locals and chatted about what to do, while in Belfast.
I had a few pints and went back to my room to get some sleep. Jet lagged, and now a wee drunk, I unpacked, slept for a couple hours and then woke at 10 pm. I sent my 22 year old son a text, letting him know I had arrived safely and had rested. I said I didn't know whether to get more sleep or get up and go back to the pub. He responded with, "Mum, you're in Ireland. Go to the pub". Wiser words were never spoken.
I returned to the pub that night, and as kismet would have it, met some social workers and a history teacher. After hours of conversation about politics, social problems, religion and music; realizing that was not the conversation type you wanted to have in a pub in Northern Ireland but having not been the one to initiate said conversation, I needed to just listen and learn.
I had grown up watching the news about the 'Troubles' and remembered the haunting images from abroad. I knew it wasn't a topic I would have broached were it not for their apparent desire to 'educate' me. As strange and, at times somewhat uncomfortable as it was, I was grateful for this education, as it was first-hand accounts of their history. I was encouraged to do a Black Taxi tour of the Peace Walls, and to learn of the history from, "both sides of the walls". I did just that.
I was also invited to the Homeless Shelter for lunch and to do some 'work' with one of the Counsellors. I did that, as well.
I started my day in the pub and ended my day in the pub, like the proper Irish girl I later learned I was (part Irish, part Scottish, part sarcasm, wit and charm). I would get my 'briefing' on where to go and what to do, I would take their advice, and then report back on what I learned that day. From trips to City Hall, Peace Walls, Giant's Causeway and Carrick a rede rope bridge; castles, cliffs, ciders and tourists. Education on what not to say, where not to go and what not to do; including a hilarious discussion on what a 'Fanny pack' was, and why not to use that term in an Irish pub.
I travelled, I explored, I had educational and inspiring conversations, and I learned.
I met my daughter in Millisle, NI and had lunch with her host family. There, we walked on the beach and I got to experience a proper Irish lunch; course after course of delicious food, wine, cheese, chocolate, ice cream, coffee, more wine, more cheese. Hours and hours of food, drink and conversation that forced me to stop and 'taste the roses'.
Their lifestyle was slower. More intentional and apparently savoured. They loved their downtime, whether that was at the pub or a lunch in the country. The views were spectacular - I was in awe the entire time I was there. And meeting my grown daughter in Ireland, thousands of miles and an ocean away from home, was like a dream.
The next day, we explored Belfast together, and I gave her the 'history' lesson I had been privy to. On her final night there, we went to the pub together and got 'locked down', and had to stay in the pub. Hearing, "smokers go in the back but noone leaves until..." was a bit scary but equally as invigorating and only led to more questions.
That week in Belfast - in Ireland - changed me. This trip had served so many purposes for me; It gave me the sense of indepedence I hadn't felt since... well, maybe ever. It showed me that I could be adventurous. It served as a lesson; in history, politics and conflict but also a lesson about myself.
It taught me that, no matter how strong and indpendent I thought I was, I had been bound by commitment and an inherent need to serve others. I had to learn how to break my own bonds and loosen the chains that had been tying me down and keeping me stagnant my entire life, until that point. It did just that. I did that!
I did that by first; making the decision to go, by booking the flight, and travelling across the ocean to seek this new adventure. I did it by being open to whatever that adventure brought to me. I did that by experiencing everything within this adventure and not taking a single moment of it for granted. And most importantly, I did it by believing that I could and by taking steps to make it happen.
Only we can break our bonds and chains. Whether that is those that are put there by others, or those we impose upon ourselves. Only we can save ourselves; from others and from ourselves.
And we can only save ourselves by being open - to freedom, independence, adventure, and hope for the future. Only we can change our life. - alone.
