As You Were
There is a drill command used in Military and Para-Military institutions and organizations; “As You Were”, that is meant as a way of commanding their troops to return to how they were prior to the previous command. It suggests that, after the Commander, entering the room or the drill square and ordering whichever formation they were charged with to come to attention, or alter their present state to whichever command they are given, gives the “as you were” command, that they simply go back to the state in which they were in before the Commander entered.
This command is one of the most confusing and convoluted of all drill commands because it is suggesting to those, who are trained and have been socialized to respond instantly to others’ orders and commands, and who have learned that they are to 'do as they are told', can instantly think for themselves and go back to the way things were prior to being ordered to be, do, respond to, or think something else.
If you have ever been in a room after this order is given, you have witnessed the confusion that occurs amongst the formation after having been given this command; “were we at ease?”, “what were we doing?”, “what do we do next?”, “I don’t know where to put my hands”.
Much like the effect of this drill command, life after service in a Military or Para-Military environment can have a rather chaotic and confusing effect on those who have served. Leaving an organization that, for however many years someone has served, has trained and over-trained them to think, do, respond, adhere to the organization and its rules, regulations, commands, command structure and orders can leave a person lacking a sense of purpose, identity and structure. And, can create complete and utter chaos in their lives and in their minds.
Training someone to follow leaders, take orders and respond automatically to those orders, without thinking, takes away their sense of self and re-socializes them to feel like they are a part of something else and are no longer autonomous. Add to that, job related mental, physical or both mental and physical health injury that may or may not have been left unchecked throughout their service, and you have hundreds to thousands of walking wounded leaving these organizations each year.
As honourable service to others can be, and as passionately one feels about and carries out their duty to queen and country, it can still be the most body, mind and soul crushing experience someone can have.
True Patriot Love is All that Remains
Military recruiters are really good at selling that the Military is ‘family friendly’ and making you believe that they will support your family in your absence. They somehow make you feel like everything will be okay and that what you’re doing is worth all the headaches, heartaches, trauma and loss that you will experience throughout your career. I know I bought it, and needless to say was not only shocked but almost completely destroyed by the series of events that followed – beginning with Basic Training in St Jean, QC.
I left for Basic on 09 Apr 2011. From that day forward, my life forever changed. My first night there, I was awoken to a Master Corporal (MCpl) screaming at me to get under my sheets – apparently, I was sleeping in the bed wrong. I jumped out of bed, and accidentally kicked my locker in the process and spent the rest of the week - plus nursing a (most likely) broken toe. I didn’t get it looked at because I was forewarned by family and friends in the Military that going to the Base Hospital (MIR ) was a sure-fire way to get re-coursed (removed from your current course, made to wait in St Jean until you were well enough to be placed on another course and then start all over again – sometimes waiting six to twelve months to 'heal' and get on another course and not being able to return home in that time). Which, is why I didn’t have my toe looked at and why I only went to the MIR for serious injuries that required crutches, medication or likewise. And, is the mentality that remains throughout most people's service in the CAF.
Every day after that first day was just as strange and unique as the last. Prior to joining the Military, I was accustomed to working hard; working out regularly and to pushing myself beyond my limitations. I had just finished college, was a personal trainer and had been teaching Fitness and Lifestyle in the Police Foundations program. I had a pretty good regimented routine because I was committed to becoming a police officer. What I was now experiencing with this training - the loss of personal freedom, sleep/food/privacy/outside contact deprivation – made my earlier/civilian routine look sedentary, however.
We were up at 0450, out the door to physical training (PT) – and lead a regimented daily life from there. Marching here and there, to and from every class, PT, drill, weapons training, gas hut. Three minutes to shower and form up, ten minutes to get your food and eat it, five minutes to prepare for inspection after having done PT, showered, dressed in uniform, eaten breakfast and run back up nine flights of stairs to your barracks. Standing at attention for hours on end, random pushups anywhere, anytime and in any condition. PT twice a day some days, ruck sack marches, obstacle courses, weapons training, drill lessons – where I got screamed at a lot.
Literally blood, sweat and tears – no downtime other than in the evening after you had prepared for inspection, done your laundry, polished your boots, cleaned your weapon, done your homework, ironed your uniforms, etc. Lights out, in bed and asleep at 2300 hours – no earlier, no later.
It was a challenge, it pushed you beyond what you knew to be your limitations and created a better, stronger and more resilient you. I saw the purpose of all of it and was neither surprised by daily routines and mind games played, nor was I willing to quit. I had been forewarned about all of it. Told to, “play the game” and “hurry home”. I had been forewarned about the screaming, the lack of privacy and personal freedoms, about the games played within your platoons; forewarned about the long hours, the physical exhaustion and possibility of injuries. I had also been forewarned about not making waves, about not standing out, about not injuring myself, if possible and about not making any kind of complaint or causing myself to be seen as an 'administrative burden'. I was forewarned that, in doing any of the above I would put myself in a position where I could be re-coursed and I would not only get stuck in St Jean longer but would have to do all of this training all over again.
I was barely surviving the first round – social isolation, injuries, family problems, children’s struggles in my absence – there was no way I would survive a second round. Further to that, I heard horror stories told around the 'smoke pit' where people had been stuck in St Jean for two years and still weren’t on a BMQ course. Two years of being away from my family? Missing more birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations. I knew all of this was possible later on in my career – possible training, tasking’s and deployments that took me away from home for long periods at a time but to do it right from the beginning and to be stuck in the Mega for two years – not happening! I just wanted to get finished and get out of there. That’s precisely where my mind was when I was sexually assaulted by a fellow platoon member.
It was the night of our course party – the day before graduation. I had completed the course - everything was packed and ready to go. We were graduating and getting out of there. All that was left to do was our graduation parade, admin and final goodbyes. My family was coming – all in their uniforms – to my grad parade, my husband was picking me up afterward - to take me home. I was going home, finally despite all of the obstacles that seemed to want to stand in my way throughout those fifteen weeks. Our course party was at the Mess in the Mega. Most of the platoon attended, we all had a few drinks, danced a little and finally relaxed a little.
Our staff made an appearance throughout the night but it wasn’t as 'official' and regimented as every other interaction with them had been up until that point. We were graduating so we were officially members of the Canadian Forces and now, their comrades as well. We had made it through the big game that Basic is and were able to look back on it and laugh about the things we once thought were major stressors and recall how big these things seemed at that time but how small they really were now that it was all over and done with. We were getting out of there and could almost breathe a sigh of relief. Only hours stood between us and our 'freedom' – nothing was going to change that – nothing was going to stand in our way of getting out of there. Nothing was going to stop me from going home. And then he raped me.
I was a little drunk and a lot exhausted. I recall bits and pieces of the end of the evening and do recall him walking me back up to our barracks. The rest of what I recall could possibly identify him, and since he has never been formally charged because I left it too long, I can’t really identify him. I do recall waking in my bed half clothed and with him there, doing unspeakable things to me without having had my consent. I do recall calling out and him putting his hand over my mouth. I do recall someone asking what was happening and him, again covering my mouth. I also recall getting woken up to an air horn the following morning for surprise PT – yet another game played by staff – wait until everyone is hung over, exhausted and needing to sleep in and wake them with blaring sounds and make them run and sweat out the alcohol. I remember jumping out of my bed still half asleep and completely out of my mind. I remember one of my male MCpl’s coming to my cubicle doorway to yell at me to hurry and me covering up because I was only in my bra and panties, apparently – I didn’t remember why. I remember running – we all formed up outside in our PT gear and were lead on a run with our sister platoon. I ran and ran and ran and laughed and giggled and smiled. Partly because I was getting the hell out of there and now had more reason than ever to need to escape and partly because I was experiencing a post traumatic reaction to the incident the night before. I remember thinking I was going to vomit and not knowing if it was the PT, the alcohol or the assault. I remember thinking I should report him – tell someone. Then thinking the better of it and thinking that if I do then I’m stuck here and will be stuck for years in this hell-hole they call the Mega.
After our run, I went back upstairs to my barracks, hopped in the shower and vomited – and vomited – and vomited. Kneeled down in the shower with the hot water scalding my skin and scrubbed, and scrubbed and scrubbed – and cried – and cried – and cried. And then, I got out – I pulled myself together. Towelled off, brushed my teeth, put on my uniform and my façade of strength and I got on with my day. I would “soldier on”.
It took me several years to finally tell my husband what had happened to me. In fact, it wasn’t until he asked for a divorce that I finally shared this with him. Partly, I think because I felt guilt and shame, and was having recurring nightmares about my father and what he had done to me when I was a child and couldn’t bear to speak this all out loud. I had tried so hard to put it all behind me - to get on with my life and career and to attempt some semblance of normalcy in my never to be normal again life at the time.
My time in training had already taken its toll on our marriage – between the three plus months at St Jean, thirteen months in Borden and Meaford and then being posted to Petawawa despite his inability to move there with me, at that time. He just gave up. He had grown tired of my long absences and of having to be alone all the time. He had, as he so often stated, “had enough of being the [my] mistress” because I was, “married to the Queen now” and so he did what so many Military spouses do and found someone else to share his life with – while we were still together. So, when I finally told him that I had been sexually assaulted during Basic, not only did he express that he believed I was lying (because I hadn’t reported it) and thought it was a tactic to attempt to keep him but he also suggested that I was to blame and that I was a [insert choice words suggesting a woman of lesser character here]. His response was so hurtful and negative – suggesting I had an affair or cheated on him in some way vice that I had been sexually assaulted by this person, that I immediately retreated once again and was back to square one – hiding what happened out of fear and shame. I still didn’t come forward.
Suffer in Silence No Longer
When I think back on the past several years – how much my life changed, all that I lost and all of the traumas I suffered through because of a career choice – I recall the darkness of it all. I remember a few times where I almost gave into that darkness and allowed it to swallow me whole. I drank too much, thought about suicide – and even had a few close calls (almost) attempts more than once. I never told anyone I worked with or for at the time about these thoughts, for the same reason it took me as long as it did to report the sexual offences I had been victim of – for as dark an experience as it was, for as much as I lost, as a result, for as trying as it was on myself and my family - I didn’t want it to end.
I had given almost everything to pursue my dream of being a Police Officer, I loved being a cop and I loved helping people. All I had left after I lost my husband, our marriage, my home and family was my career. I had poured myself into it so much and worked so hard to make it meaningful despite all of the shit that accompanied it, that I couldn’t bear losing that, as well. So, I “suffered in silence” as I had been taught to do and slid further down the rabbit hole.
For two plus years, I put up with a Sgt sexually harassing me, sending me sexually suggestive text messages, making inappropriate comments and unwanted advances and holding over my head that he was my direct supervisor and outranked me to keep me silent. At one point, he even tried to kiss me. I was terrified to come forward for fear of repercussions and career implications, despite the fact that I was the Victim Services Representative and a trained Harassment Advisor. I vented to coworkers and suggested that maybe I would just leave the military and try to get a civilian position for another police service that valued its female members. I screamed and cried and had nightmares regularly. I cannot even recall how often I would bolt into the ladies’ change room to have a good cry.
I was a mess – and I was a bloody hypocrite. How could I keep advising others to report these crimes and advocate for those who did when I was living with these dirty little secrets myself and not doing a damn thing about it? When Madame Deschamps was tasked to investigate and compile a report on her findings on Sexual Misconduct in the Military, I participated in this study and gave my honest opinion based on real experiences; both mine and those I had been tasked to investigate. I hoped that it would make a difference – that what I had to say would matter and that, eventually it would get to a point where something would be done on a large scale to prevent what was happening to me from both continuing and happening to others. And then, her report was published – while I was on my Military Police Investigators course (MPIC) - with recommendations that made sense to me but to some of my comrades, seemed scathing and biased. I tried reasoning with some of them and even went as far as to say, “hey, it’s happening more than you realize, and to people in our own trade” without coming right out and saying that I, myself had been victim to this behaviour.
It was as though they thought Madame Deschamps was painting all male soldiers with the same brush. They didn’t want to hear it. Their attitude seemed to be that we needed to have each other’s backs at all costs. Yes, having each other’s backs is crucial and can be life altering in this line of work; however, having each other’s backs does not mean accepting, allowing, excusing and disregarding harmful, negative, harassing, abusive and unethical behaviour. We have to hold one another to a higher standard as much as we hold ourselves to that standard. We have a duty to do so and a moral code that we should all be living by if we are in these professions and wearing these uniforms. People of all genders, races, ethnicities, religious affiliations, sexual orientations, etc. should be able to work together without fear of bias, harassment, cruelty or abuse and should be able to have each other’s backs while still being ethical, compassionate, and law/regulation abiding.
During my MPIC my father passed away. Not only did this bring up all of the effects of the traumas from my childhood but due to the nature of those traumas, also brought about psychic aftershocks and more trauma reactions resulting from the sexual assault during BMQ and the still ongoing sexual harassment by my Sgt. I “soldiered on” and finished my MPIC – partly because I’m tenacious and stubborn, which is the only reason I’m still alive and somewhat sane after everything I’ve been through – and partly because I didn’t want to have to go home – alone – chancing spiraling down and out of control again.
Work had always been my coping mechanism during the challenging and difficult times in my life between 2011 and then so I felt I was better off there. Unfortunately, if you hold onto something too long you either corrupt it, or let it corrupt you. It wasn’t until I returned home from MPIC, had read the Deschamps report and the CDS’ statement committing to ridding the Military of Sexual Misconduct that I finally came forward.
First, I called a friend and comrade from the Military Police National Investigation Service (NIS) and reported the sexual assault. Then, I went to Ottawa for a victim interview. I planned the interview for the day following the MP Thunderbird Challenge, where I was surrounded by Military Police members, from all over Ontario for a full day of sport and range competitions. I stood there, watching interactions between these members, thinking, “if they only knew”, feigning camaraderie, trying to feel safe and normal and all the while screaming inside. When I went to NIS to give my statement there was one of the Chiefs that I had seen the previous day at the Challenge, he met me in the foyer as I came out of the interview room with snot bubbles and mascara smudges from crying. I didn’t tell him why I was there – the whole experience had been trying enough without having to share my stories yet again, with someone I should be able to trust – because he’s a fellow MP and soldier but I didn’t know who I could trust anymore – which would only get worse.
Following that experience, about a month or so later, I finally reported the Sgt who had been sexually harassing me. There had been an incident that I had been a witness to and was being spoken with by one of my female Sgt’s about this incident. My statement went from – “this is what I saw, heard, etc.” to “this is what I, myself have experienced”. To which her response was that I needed to report it and put an end to it. She asked if I wanted her to speak to the CoC on my behalf and have her advocate for me. I told her about finally reporting the sexual assault and that I felt I didn’t have the strength to go through it all again without help. So, she reported it.
What followed was a shit storm like no other I had seen before – and I’ve seen a lot! My initial complaint was made in August of 2015. The (acting) Regimental Sgt Major (RSM) requested that I attend for a victim interview with him and asked where I would like this interview to take place. I informed him that I was visiting my daughter in Petawawa on the Civic long weekend and could attend the Petawawa detachment on the Monday prior to returning home. So, we set the interview time and I went to meet he and another Warrant (WO) there. I gave my statement, was believed and was treated with respect and dignity. I felt better having finally reported it and I was assured that it would be dealt with expediently and with sensitivity. I felt like a giant weight had been lifted. Until the following day, when NIS took over the file – because there was attempted physical contact of a sexual nature involved, the RSM felt that NIS should be informed. So, they set up an interview time with me – to be conducted at my home the following day.
I was off that day, as well so the two investigators came to my house and conducted a victim interview. Throughout this interview, I was asked questions about an apparent Unit Disciplinary Investigation that they thought me to be the subject of – I let them know that I was only a witness and asked why that was relevant. The lead investigator interrogated me – and I called him on it, stating that I recognized the techniques he was using from the MPIC course I had completed only months before and thought it was an inappropriate technique to use on a victim. He questioned my motives for reporting my Sgt and alluded to the fact that he felt from what others had allegedly said to him, that I was simply mad at the Sgt for reprimanding me and that I was using this as a way of getting him in trouble – even though they had seen copies of the sexually suggestive and explicit text messages sent to me by the Sgt. I was not only made to feel like I was doing something wrong by reporting him but re-traumatized by this investigator. I asked how long this investigation would take and whether or not they had interviewed anyone else yet – and, of course as per protocol, I was the first interviewee which begged the question as to how he had come up with his 'theories' and who he had spoken to 'off the record' prior to interviewing me – and why? The investigation continued – they interviewed my colleagues as witnesses and, after having reviewed the content of the file that I received by way of Access to Information and Privacy Act (ATIP) request I recognized that they had led some of the witnesses with their line of questioning, again suggesting I was trying to seek vengeance of some kind against this Sgt. Needless to say, the entire investigation was a dud and all it did was serve as a way of ultimately getting rid of me.
Humanity isn't a Species, It's a State of Being
They interviewed the Sgt – basically informing him that I had made a complaint against him and then headed back to their respective bases leaving me to deal with the Sgt – who was not moved, and was eventually promoted.
By the end of August, with the Sgt still there and me having to see him and try to avoid him every day I tried to engage my Commanding Officer (CO) to see where the investigation was at that moment and what he was planning on doing. I had spoken with the RSM a day or so prior to the CO’s visit to our det and he (RSM) had assured me that the CO was dealing with it and that he was coming down and might want to talk to me. So, I waited all day for the CO to talk to me and it never happened. I did, at one point walk past the Sgt’s office only to witness the CO talking and laughing with the Sgt and another MP. Before he left, I asked if he was going to speak with me, and he said he didn’t need to and then left. Visibly shaken for obvious reasons, I went to the new Captain and asked if she knew why the CO hadn’t spoken to me and again asked where the investigation was – what stage and if she knew what was happening to the Sgt. She informed me that NIS closed the file and that it was being reviewed by my own CoC for administrative action, as opposed to charges under the National Defence Act (NDA). I told her I was going to go to the MIR in the morning and see about getting stress leave because I couldn’t be around the Sgt anymore – that he was still trying to engage me and was acting like everything was as per normal.
I ended up on two weeks stress leave after that, and while home was never once checked on by my CoC. I did have a few comrades visit – who informed me that my job was being dismantled and given away piece by piece to other members of the det. I also learned from my doctor that my CoC had contacted her requesting my full medical file so they could figure out how to, “proceed with [me]”. The pressures, the trauma, the re-victimization kept piling up and I was ordered to have a psychiatric evaluation, but still not checked in on.
After my two weeks off, I returned to the detachment for a meeting with the Captain and our (acting) WO. At this point she made it clear that she was dismantling my job, that I would be moved because the Sgt was more important to the detachment and I would likely be posted to the Joint Personnel Services Unit (JPSU/IPSC) - for the ill and injured to transition to civilian life or get fit and return to work - because she needed ‘able bodied’ Cpl’s and I was on a temporary medical category (TCAT) for a back injury sustained during a training exercise the previous January.
It has to be stated, however that I was doing the equivalent work of two plus fulltime jobs; Victim Services Representative, Community Relations Liaison and still conducting investigations throughout the entire time that I was on TCAT, and was productive and contributing a great amount to our detachment and our community. This was documented in my performance evaluation, and I received a kudos and coin from the Brigade Commander previously for all the work I had been doing. So, suggesting that I couldn’t do my job was not only insulting but also, inaccurate. But it was clear that they were going to use this excuse to “get rid of the problem”.
I engaged the Ombudsman but quickly learned that all that their office does is document and advise. And, that engaging the Ombudsman meant that when the CO learned of this, he was less concerned about the trauma I was experience and more concerned about how this made him look. He later stated he was, “disappointed and confused” by my decision to involve the Ombudsman. Well, Sir I’m disappointed and confused about your decision not to remove the threat [Sgt] from my workplace.
Further to that, normally, you’re not posted to JPSU while on a TCAT – postings are normally after you’re on PCAT and will likely be medically release or other special circumstances that will allow you to return to work. In my case, they seemed to be looking for a way to get rid of me instead of dealing with the Sgt appropriately.
After meeting with the Captain and A/WO, I went back to the MIR and got another two weeks off. I made appointments with IPSC and did an intake there to get ahead of them. If I was going to ultimately be ousted, I wasn’t going to let them feel like it was their doing. I wasn’t going to let them see me cry or break me. But they did. I later received (through an ATIP request) the memo attached to my JPSU/IPSC posting recommendation written by my CO, stating that it was in the detachments best interest to post me to JPSU/IPSC because my presence there put, “additional stress on the remaining members of the unit”. Then was informed that my presence was having an adverse effect on morale at the detachment.
It’s our job to do the right thing – even if it costs you something – even if it costs you everything. Well, doing the right in this particular case did cost me almost everything.
There were several meetings and tons of further BS after this and I was ultimately sent down to RMCC to work with the Sgt who had been helping me, and get me out of the det. While at RMCC, I created a Sexual Offences Reporting Matrix for RMCC units so that they could deal with sexual misconduct, assault and harassment properly. Why? Because I’m a helper, and helpers are usually those who have experienced things they needed help through and when help never came, they started helping others to help themselves. Someone had benefit from my crappy experiences. It certainly wasn’t going to be me.
But helping others doesn’t make the trauma you have experienced go away – it helps for a time – you feel better for a time, but it never truly leaves you. It’s always the victims that do the right thing. It’s between us, and them. It’s because there’s a difference between victim and perpetrator – the victims can survive because they have more humanity; whereas the perpetrators are heartless monsters.
The saddest people always try the hardest to make people happy and help others because they know what it’s like to feel worthless and traumatized and don’t want others to feel that way. Humanity isn’t a species’; it’s a state of being.
Battle Buddies and the 'Big Green Machine'
As I suggested before – they systematically pull you apart piece by piece and put you back together as what and who they want you to be. They love you when you’re working hard, treat you like a burden after they break you and can’t wait to get rid of you once you’re broken.
I joined the Military Police to serve my country, my community and my fellow CAF members. I joined with a great amount of pride and served with a great amount of pride. I got injured and wasn't able to serve any longer. It nearly broke me because this was a childhood dream of mine that I waited a very long time for - sacrificed some very personal aspects of my life, health and well-being for.
It was almost immediately after the Chief of Defence Staff (CDS) announced the proposed Operation Honour and his commitment to rid the Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) of sexual misconduct and deviancy that I finally came forward. About being sexually assaulted during Basic Training; and Sexually harassed by my Sergeant at the Military Police Detachment where I was posted.
Unfortunately, for me I believed that it was safe to come forward about what I had been suffering through since having joined the Military. I believed that, because the CDS was committed to ridding the CAF of sexual misconduct, that this attitude and commitment level would be passed down through the ranks and be taken seriously by my own Chain of Command (CoC). Unfortunately, not everyone was on the same page, as the CDS, or as me.
Don’t get me wrong, I did have some very strong supporters who helped me get through some of the pain of the process – other soldiers who acted in the capacity of ‘battle buddy’ for me throughout the complaint process and the shit show that followed. It’s sad when soldiers need a battle buddy to protect them from fellow soldiers – and it’s sad that most of the battle buddies are those who have been through much the same traumatic experiences throughout their careers.
That being so, the support is often, like in my case, short lived because when they see the damage done and the repercussions on the career of the victim they are supporting, they often distance themselves for fear of similar repercussions – and in my case, vicarious repercussions did affect my ‘battle buddies’.
Understand that whether you like to admit it or not, no institution is free of such harassment. And the institutions that are sworn to uphold the law, to serve and protect, to advocate for and protect others should most certainly not only acknowledge that this behaviour occurs in their workplaces but also take a firm stand against it – and mean it.
We cannot live in a bubble pretending that we are above the law and that our behaviour is better than those we serve/protect or advocate for. And we certainly cannot behave in a way that damages our personnel in such that they could vicariously damage others, without their being some appropriate repercussions for these damaging and toxic behaviours.
Some have suggested that, in order to deal with this endemic problem of sexual misconduct in the military, that segregation may be the answer. Segregation is not the answer – behaving like an ethical and compassionate human being is the answer. By segregating soldiers based on gender, you only create larger gaps between the men and women and more social isolation. Military environments are supposed to be all about teamwork and cohesion and uniformity. Segregation is anti-team work, anti-cohesion and anti-uniformity. It highlights the differences and creates a poisonous work environment where gender biases worsen. You cannot have a gender-segregated Military without creating chaos and further trauma.
By the time we all have a few years, a deployment or two – or for some trades, in-garrison traumatic experiences and have seen or experienced dark and difficult things at one time or another in our careers, we all cope differently. We also, all cope differently than those in civilian sector/non-front-line careers. Add this to the normal human response to trauma, feeling weakness and inability to speak out about their traumas and you have a recipe for disaster. Imagine how someone who has seen this kind of darkness in their career, and had to deal with difficulties and losses in their personal lives – some resulting from their career choice – would deal with these traumas. First responders and front-line workers being sexually assaulted and subjected to sexual harassment and sexual misconduct - and hating themselves for, “allowing” this to happen when they are supposed to be the ones that intervene when it happens to others.
Then there is the fear of losing their career, their comrades, their ‘family’ and their identity if they come forward. The fear of losing their only support system – because their career has driven away everyone else that they used to rely on. That is why it is crucial in this environment that these behaviours be addressed appropriately and that the damage these behaviours do be recognized and the members supported – particularly in an institutionalized environment like that of a military environment. Ignoring it, not acknowledging it and/or suggesting it doesn’t occur and re-victimizing the victim only adds additional pressures to those suffering in silence in the shadows.
Any form of harassment in the workplace not only poisons the work environment but also wreaks havoc on the life of the victim, particularly in an environment where autocratic leadership styles is prevalent. It makes it more difficult for victims to come forward because they know that it will have a potentially damaging effect on their careers and their relationships with colleagues – their ‘family’.
It is particularly important to deal with such abuse of power in an environment where employees and members are supposed to be held to a higher standard. If these “helping” professionals cannot care for one another, how then can they care for and help others. I recognized this, and I advocated for others who were dealing with similar behaviours to what I, myself had been subjected to throughout my short career in the military. The saddest part of it all was that I had seen so many other members not wanting to come forward – I had investigated files involving varying forms of sexual misconduct and abuse of subordinates and with each one, there were more members afraid to report this type of abuse than there were those who were willing to come forward – one of the reasons it took me so long to come forward. No one seemed to understand how difficult it was for victims to come forward in a military environment.
We were all afraid of the consequences; on our mental health, on camaraderie with our brothers and sisters, on our actual career. The CDS message was pretty clear that there should not be career implications for victims reporting sexual misconduct but either the message was not communicated effectively or it simply was not heard. And all of those people, myself included who came forward were treated as the enemy – treated as burdens and ousted.
We do not need to be defined by the sins of our father, and as such the soldier doesn’t need to be defined by the institution it serves, its sins or what it breeds; and their sins. We do, however have to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. We have to speak out for those with no voice. We have to serve and protect, and always do the right thing – for ourselves, for others and for one another. We have to be one another’s back up because who else is going to do that job?
Some people have asked me, since I came forward – and some while I was in the process of reporting these atrocities – why it took me so long to report these offences against me. Some understand how hard it is for victims of sexual offences to come forward in regular circumstances – in civilian culture – without their being the added stressors and uncertainties of Military sub-culture. Some understand why I didn’t come forward earlier and some used it against me, to their advantage. Some faulted me for suggesting that women were the only victims of sexual violence, and that the patriarchal environment bred that behaviour.
I have never suggested that, nor did I suggest that women are the only victims of sexual offences and sexual violence; however it did seem to be more predominant – particularly in military and paramilitary organizations for women to be the primary target. The problem in any culture is that, women have been objectified, sexualized and in some cases terrorized and subjected to misogyny and chauvinism for so long that often, they don’t even know their worth. Add to that, a culture that is historically predominantly male-dominant and filled with Type A personalities and Alpha males, and you are immediately setting your female counterparts up to fail if they are not as tough or ‘strong’ as their male counterparts.
People are considered weak in this subculture if they complain about what they consider inappropriate or demeaning behaviour. So, women – and some men, in the military take on the archaic male archetype – the Alpha guys, and we adopt masculine traits and take on similar attitudes. We hear things like, “drop your purse”, “man up” and “get the sand out of your vagina” and despite the fact that we are disgusted and insulted by these terms and these attitudes, we not only do not express our disgust but we participate in allowing this to continue so as not to be singled out. So; no, the institution, itself does not breed this type of behaviour. The attitude does and the unrealistic expectations do.